ASD, outward bound residential, DS doesn't want to go... wwyd?

[NumptyMum]

Scottish schools have just started back, and DS has just gone into P7 (his final year at primary school). The school has a residential outward bound activity week planned towards the end of September, for 4 days (3 nights). DS is dead set against going. He's not in the least outdoorsy, used to like cycling but now says he hates even that, and generally getting him out the house takes quite a lot of effort.
So already, before the summer, he didn't want to go. We talked it over with the school, and they suggested doing one of the activities with him. We did an instructed canoeing session a couple of weeks back, which appeared to start out OK but ended in a melt-down.
Today, a letter came home from school about the trip and what will be needed. DS is once again saying a flat no, he's not going.
What would you do? Are we best to listen to DS and support him about not wanting to go? (I don't think there will be any persuading him...). Does anyone have experience of this, or any thoughts?

What a dilemma! With a flat no, forcing him would surely only end in tears? (Well it would in our house) or at the very least expose all of our DS’ weaknesses and oddities to his friends.....

I there scope for just going on one of the days with a preferred activity of his choice? Could you do that and stay one night with you nearby with a back up plan?

I’d go for that rather than complete avoidance as that’s not a good lesson. We have to chop big problems into small chunks to build up competency very slowly..... It’s bliddy exhausting isn’t it?

Hi tartan, and thanks so much for your response! I'm not sure there would be a preferred activity... I'd thought canoeing would be the best one, to be honest, and that didn't go so well! But perhaps negotiation about a partial attendance might be the way to go.

Geniuinely, why do you want him to go? He doesn't want to go, so surely that's the end of it?

My do didn't go. No harm done. His choice and he was comfortable with it.

I suppose re not going, my thoughts are: 1) he'll have to join the P6 class for that week, so it may set him up for more issues from other kids at school regarding him being different (ie both P6 and P7 kids wondering why he's not going). 2) anytime there's something he doesn't want to do, he'll dig in and refuse rather than give it a go. So yes, I wonder if we need to negotiate a half-way arrangement, of giving it a go, but not having to do the whole thing. Currently, did your child get any negative feedback from classmates/others at school about not going? Or do you think it made no difference? I'm aware that DS already has v few friends (got his birthday coming up, so painfully aware...).

Ds didn't go to any residentials, and for Y6 (your P7) I managed to get authorised leave (educated off site) and we did some secondary transition work and a museum/London trip, all of which was far more beneficial to him.

I was forced to do residentials and absolutely hated them. It upsets me even now thinking back as they were awful, so I wouldn't force or cajole or bribe.

No negative feedback - also no friends really so no one really noticed probably!

Re going into the other year - ask for eotas from the head. Seems a reasonable adjustment. We didn't but could have. One boy went to butlins with his family one year! Ds went to his sisters year (three below!) and was basically bored all week, despite work being left and was used as a sub TA!

Thanks Polter, useful insight to take on board. OK, so we'll try and explore the option of a 1-day attendance for DS, with a possible overnight (we've been told that the centre are very helpful, and parents can be there on the quiet if it helps). We'll talk with DS about the possible benefits of doing it this way; if he's still dead against, I'm not sure if we can do the going away/educating at home thing (for a multitude of reasons) so he might just have to be in school if he doesn't go.

Re digging in. Well, force that and there is resentment. Better to work up to it. Maybe one night with understanding people, not a whole residential with people who will take the mick at the slightest diffference. He can do a week away with friends at his own, comfortable, pace.

Good luck - just to say if one day is also flatly refused I’d then try compromising with trying another non preferred activity that’s less of a challenge but might benefit. DS was not totally happy about going to a driving range first time but loved it and eventually might get him into golf (his motor skills might limit this a bit tbh) which I’m hoping is a sufficiently structured activity that it might encourage him out of the house as a teen.... We went for this as he’s enjoyed crazy golf in the past. I’m also wonder about trying a climbing wall after seeing him on some boulders at the beach this summer..... Anything you think your DS might go for if you need a plan b?

Lol, not climbing wall, that's for sure! I think the only activity he'd consider is swimming, he likes that, but it's mostly lolling around in the pool rather than actual swimming. No other exercise activity, which isn't good as it makes me concerned for his physical health. He'll grudgingly go for a walk. Trampolines are only OK if there's someone else to go on it with him, except it can't be his sister as then it turns into wrestling which turns into fighting... Activity-wise, the only other thing he's into just now is doing things in the kitchen. Except I can't really take 4 days off work to spend with him in the kitchen...

Oh yes no heights! Think traverse or bouldering is the extent of DS climbing! Will they do orienteering? Our man will happily boss us about while in charge of a map!

we had this with DS1 (age 9, ASD) a year ago. there was a residential trip for Y4, and on first being told about it he didn't want to go. however there was pretty much a year from being told about it to the trip itself and I didn't want to rule him out that far ahead and then risk him wanting to go (when his friends were all excited about going) and not being able. so I decided to pay the intial non-refundable deposit, and then the second deposit, as an insurance policy, with the full acceptance that I might lose it if he still said no.

turned out that by the time of the deadline for full payment, which was 2 months before the trip, he was fine with going. can't say he was excited but he wasn't opposed. there'd obvs been a lot of talk at school. he went and he had a good time. it was only a 2 night stay and local enough that had it been a disaster I could be there within the hour and get him.

I do understand it was mostly memories of my own FOMO that drove me to take the chance... I truly think he'd have been fine not going.

I did ask school what the children who were not going would do and was told there was the possibility of them being taken to the outdoor centre for the day to join in the activities, but as it transpired that didn't happen. I did explain to DS that if he didn't go he'd be at school as usual but with none of his friends... that might have helped him choice in the end. if the option had been to take two days off and be at home he'd have done that.

if he'd said no after paying - it would have been fine. well I'd have been a touch annoyed but would never have forced him.

I don't have asd (my kids do) I hated anything to do with going away with school. I didn't go on any trips esp overnight but at 16 decided I wanted to do an abroad trip. I wouldn't force him. Could he have their week off school and do things with you instead.

Well we had a chat with DS today. His concerns are focused on being away from us overnight, and the activities. We said that re overnight, we could take him there and back for a day visit (we can also even stay there overnight on the quiet, the centre/school confirmed this before summer). So we are still trying to encourage him to go along just for one day – but it's the activities that are likely to be the main problem. His take on it is that he's heard so much about the positives of the trip, that actually they don't get his attention now– he's more caught up with all the negatives that are worrying him. I've emailed school to see if we can meet up with his lovely form teacher, who has always gone on the week to the outward bound centre, so that DS can raise all his concerns and get the teacher's honest input on them.

Otherwise, he'd be staying back with the P6 class, which DS would be quite happy with (ie still going to school, not staying home). So, given the outward bound course is intended to widen pupil's experience and take them out of their comfort zone, we are wondering if there's something more appropriate he can do with the same aim, to build his confidence in what he can do – and also his independence. Things like going to the (very small and within walking distance) village/town centre on his own, or a sleepover with a local friend. Does anyone have other suggestions for small challenges he/we could consider? It would be great to hear from parents of teenagers about what helped their DC get more confident about going out on their own...

if He doesn’t want to go then that’s that. Surely there will be other kids not going and if not and he doesn’t care then I don’t think you should worry about it.