Toddler Tantrums & ASD...I'm overthinking everything Help!

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My DD is now 2 and was referred for ASD assessment at 19 months along with OT support for lots of sensory issues.
It was me that's highlighted speech regression, sensory issues etc and I'm keen to support her the best I can. Problem is now I'm overwhelmed and overthinking everything. I've got completely anxious about the situation and feel like I can't work out how best to deal with tantrums, worrying about too much or too little routine etc

I'm losing my mind with worry and feel like I've lost all sensible thought processing and just over respond to every cry and whim then again she's only 2!

Can anyone give me some friendly but sensible advice on how to not lose sight of the fact that yes it's likely she'll get an ASD diagnosis...BUT...I need to remember I'm dealing with a toddler too
(Anxious first time Mum too )

Do you know the difference between tantrums that every child has and autistic meltdowns?
Recognising the difference will help you deal with each one.

www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/sensory-processing-issues/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-sensory-meltdowns

IF she's autistic, she's autistic, if she's not she's not. Please stop worrying and enjoy the time you spend with her, she's very little and needs you to be Mum, not someone looking for signs of things that may be different about her. Keep in mind at all times, 'different' does not equal 'wrong'.

Thanks blank, I think perhaps I've not articulated properly what I'm asking. I'm not constantly looking for signs as they're pretty obvious. What I mean is that I'm personally worrying when she has a tantrum it's because she hasn't got her own way it's definitely different to a meltdown I've read a lot about it, it's more how can I keep calm and remember I'm a Mum and Parent rather than put it all down to autism all the time

Does that make more sense?

I found reading lots about autism and sensory processing disorder helped me to panic less about every behaviour. Particularly 'the reason I jump' and 'the out of sync child'.

2-4 is difficult because they and you are getting to know who they are. My ds is now almost 5 and I find it much easier to tell when he is being naughty and when he can't help something.

Have you got anywhere in your area that does courses? We have a great resource that does courses on things like Sensory stuff, visual timetables and help with behaviour. There's Earybird which I think is nationwide. Speaking to other parents in a similar situation can be very helpful.

There are lots things you can do but you don't have to try everything at once!

Thanks liv (and blank apologies if I sounded a bit snippy) I'm just trying to learn what I can without overthinking all the time
I've read out of sync child and can pin point what she struggles with sensory wise, I've lots of professionals helping and everyone is being great but I think to 'deal' with my worries I've convinced myself I have to parent her differently if that makes sense?
Her lack of speech and strong willed personality aren't good combos!

That's definitely a valid worry.

I do parent my children slightly differently (my dd is younger and neurotypical) but there are things I do with my ds that are also helpful for my dd. Like makaton, visual timetables and simple sentences.

My dd will understand the word no and be able to understand a basic reason why not to do something. My ds used to have a meltdown at the word no. We stay firm on the important things for us (no hitting/kicking/biting, be kind etc) and the other things can slide a bit for now and be introduced later as he gains more understanding.

I think as a parent of an autistic child you need to work extra hard to build up the trust between you and your child in order for them to feel safe and confident. Before we knew my ds was autistic I spent the whole time telling him off and trying NT tricks like the naughty corner. As soon as I stopped telling him off and instead working on praising the good things and generally being more relaxed, the more open and confident he has become.

Sorry a bit long but hope that answers your question a bit more?

Thanks liv definitely helpful, That helps place into a perspective for sure. My DD reacts strongly and negatively to being told no and not being able to communicate other than crying or straining her body towards a vague direction I'm finding difficult to put boundaries in place e.g can't always just go on the bus at the drop of a hat
Once you do something once with her that's it

I remember that stage very well. I found 2.5-4 really hard. I wish I had started using Makaton and visuals earlier and more consistently. That's with hindsight though, at the time I was just trying get through it.

With my ds it was definitely a case of getting him to a point where he was less anxious and more relaxed. Then his behaviour was less challenging and his speech came on more.

A lot of the time I find parenting him is counterintuitive and not how I imagined I would be as a parent!

Interesting idea as if someone had told me prior to having her i would be doing some of the things I do so make her feel less anxious I would have gone for the old eye roll and thought 'really?!'
Fast forward to seeing what works with my wee one in terms of keeping her calm and relaxed and it's definitely not parenting by the books!

She's just at a tricky age of wanting to assert independence but can't communicate her wants as much and being told no keeps her the opposite of relaxed, which you're bang on, is when she comes into her own it's why I'm so reactive to her and also why I'm struggling to say no (to silly things like buses all day) without dreading the inevitable upset!

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me it makes such a difference even being able to chat to one person who has been there. Thanks

No problem!

My DD is 4.5 and autistic, and I still struggle with this (in the sense of never being really confident if I'm doing the right thing... though I suspect lots of that is just me rather than her autism!)

As Liv said, I do think it gets easier as they get older and you get to know them better (and also they can reason more). Although I do get the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, DD has very few meltdowns and the couple that she has had have been triggered by tantrums (albeit with obviously a lead-up of pressure building around that). So I always feel it's important to manage the tantrums right too.

For us that tends to mean backing off when my DD starts to lose it - giving her a bit of time to process, as I know it can take her longer to process her emotions. Then talking a bit about how she feels and getting her on an even keel, before we talk about whatever actually happened to trigger (e.g. why it's not OK to start rubbing your hands in the mud right before eating, or whatever just triggered the tantrum). If we went straight into "why" when she's super-upset I don't think it would land.

We also do little things to make her feel in control like trying to give lots of notice of transitions (and then almost a countdown: "5 minutes until we have to go", "2 minutes until we have to go" - obviously this also gets easier as they get older!), and giving her small practical choices (e.g. do you want this t-shirt or that t-shirt when she is insisting she wants a jumper in 30 degree heat: so she still has a choice).

I'm not sure how different this is to normal parenting really as DD is my first too. I think there are easier things and harder things. For example, my son (who I think is probably NT) is 1.5 and has started to do dramatic crying and lying on the floor when he doesn't get his way (e.g. yesterday when I offered him a breadstick but he saw there were Pom bears in my bag ... oops). I don't remember my DD ever even attempting to do being upset as a kind of "show" like that. I don't think it would even occur to her now at 4.5: all her emotions are very authentic! If she got really upset at that age she'd often just lie on the floor quietly rather than start crying. I think DD needs more "careful" parenting, but not necessarily harder (yet): just different.

Thanks Lighttripper. I do think her tantrums lead into meltdowns we tried a class this morning she loved before and she had a tantrum that soon escalated. She eventually calmed down and as soon as I left she happily skipped out door! But it was half an hour of rage and rolling about the floor. Half of me was internally screaming get her out of here to calm down but the other half was thinking if this is a tantrum she will calm down and get something out of it. She didn't really calm down and wanted held to the end so in hindsight I should have left
I suppose I'll figure out eventually but man Alive what a hard learning curve I wanted to lie on the floor and cry too! I just wish someone would wave a magic wand and give me the answers