Autistic daughter - I need to offload

[Crushcuz]

I don't know where else to post. I feel desperately upset for my DD. She had an ASD dx last year, it didn't come as a shock. She is 10 yrs old.

She is struggling with everything academic. I've just finished reading her school report and I feel so upset. ""DD is considerably behind for her age.....etc" on every. fucking. topic.

She struggles with reading and is still on the slightly babyish Biff, Chip books. Her handwriting is like that of a 5 year old. Her spelling....awful and don't even get me started on maths. Literally not a clue. Struggles with basic adding and counting! Her SAT results were a sad read. Below average across the board. Her social skills are very poor. She can't hold a decent conversation. Eye contact is a major no-no. She doesn't understand life.

Her teacher has obviously tried to butter the report up by saying she's a very jolly child etc but my god it's a depressing read and I just feel so painfully sad.

She has nice, bright friends. But in comprehensive school they'll all be banded up top and poor DD will be down bottom. And as the weeks roll in terms, DD will see less and less of them.

She is the light of my life. She makes me laugh everyday, but my god I worry for her. I'm worry for her future. How will she cope as an adult? How will she manage a job and earn her own money?

I don't have anyone IRL to offload to. I have lovely friends but they don't get it, they listen yes, but they don't get it. Their DC are all confident, sociable high flyers. They don't feel that worry burning away.

This is feeling raw to me as only now I've had a chance to sit down properly and read her school report. Tomorrow it'll fade and I'll be back to soldiering on as usual.

I'm rambling. Sorry. Does anyone else have bad days like this as a parent? I just feel so....heartbroken for her

My DDs friends in high school high flyers have had

Long term illness and missed school
Anxiety - on a reduced time table
One was raped and is own hime schooled

High flyers are destined for great things .....

But that's not what you asked! DS is also unlikely to achieve in school, but I think he'll get an apprenticeship scheme, here we have charities that run workshops for disabled people to learn skills, wood work, gardening, crafts, they get paid a pittance but it's a great scheme

There are things out there I promise.

Oh OP! I can feel your weight . From one parent of child with SEN to another, it is a very lonely place indeed. Some commiserate but really don’t get that awful sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach daily.

Has she been assessed by an ed psych?

Thanks both. I pray that she'll find her way as an adult.

Yes she's been assessed by ed psych, it was part of the dx process last year. She's also an incredibly anxious child which the ed psych noted.

That knot in your stomach, yep that's the one

You mention SATs, so is DD going be starting secondary school and what process is being put in place for her there? Is it a school that will be able to provide additional support ?

She'll be starting secondary school in 2019. Her primary have already starting transitioning her (I work full time so they take her up during the day. I'm very grateful!). She'll be in the lowest band which are smaller classes with TAs to give additional support to the children who struggle. There's also a room she can go to for quite time if she feels overwhelmed t any time. All staff will also be made aware of her needs. Nothing else other than that that I'm aware of.

Yes it's scary isn't it. I looked round a mainstream primary school a few weeks ago and found it terrifying how capable the year 6s who showed us around were. Just can't imagine my DS being able to organise his own clubs, explain why he goes to a particular school and where he lives etc any time soon (he'll be in year 6 in September). His school report (he goes to a special school) puts him at about a six year old's level across the board. I feel I have to be optimistic as his self-esteem is low enough without any depressing prophecies from me. But I don't delude myself either that there are likely to be any sudden miracles.

I hear ya Shy. I often look at other DC the same age, and can never see DD in them. The way they talk, even the way the dress and the places they go. DD is so very young in every aspect of herself and as her peers develop that gap gets bigger and bigger between them and her.

All the best to your DS x

I have a son with Aspergers, so I do understand. Is it possible that your daughter could be provided with a laptop to do her schoolwork on? It took years for our son to get one, but it made such a difference to him.

Is her processing speed assessment and executive function included in the Ed Psych report or other reports?

Do school provide interventions for her and will the new school do so as well?

Her handwriting is like that of a 5 year old
Does she have hypermobility in her wrists, arms, fingers? An OT can check for this and offer exercises and pencil grips etc. to help.

Has anyone ever considered or assessed her for dyslexia or dyspraxia, they can be co-morbid with ASD

A SLT can assess how she communicates, her level of comprehension etc. It's a slight overlap with some of the Autism screening, you may have this info already, but she may also have specific needs that can be helped.

It's very common for kids on the spectrum to be emotionally immature, it's a very rough guide, but emotionally they can present as about two thirds of their chronological age, my dd did.

I also think that 10 years old feels like a bit of a cross-roads. 6 years since he started school. 6 years till GCSEs. Which at the current rate of progress I don't think are going to happen. Also, ironically, it feels like the more articulate he becomes the more he articulates the gaps in his understanding/knowledge. What I might have thought quirky/original at 5 or 6 you start to realise is a serious lack of understanding. Eg he had a write your own passport homework. I thought I'd better check he knew what country he was born and lives in. '[Town we live in]?' I explain (badly - it's actually quite hard to explain to someone who has no concept of it) what your country of birth and residence is. 'Los Angeles? Hong Kong?'. It's also becomes more glaring because I don't remember much what being 5 or 6 was like but by the time they're 10 you have a fair idea that you knew/understood that sort of stuff at that age.

Hi. A few things to think about that come to my mind.

Have you thought about adhd? She could be inattentive type (different to hyperactive/impulsive type). Often overlooked with asd diagnosis.

Could there be possibility of dyslexia? Iv started a great programme with my boy with asd called 'toe by toe' for his reading but heard 'word hornet' is just as good and that includes spelling. Ed psych suggested it as can easily.do it at home

Also I'm teaching ds to touch type as I feel he will need a laptop for written work as he gets older.

And also been recommended power of 2 for maths by Ed psych but haven't started it yet

Blank, her processing speed is incredibly poor and this is something that was flagged up by several different parties during her dx process. One of the recommendations was that she has plenty of time in class to grasp things. In reality, I don't know if she gets this (she's in a huge class and many of them are well above average). I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for the teacher.

Not thought about ADHD, she's ticks all the classic boxes for ASD especially the symptoms girls typically show. She does a lot of masking etc.

Her dx report also stated she has generally low intelligence, slow processing speed and the ed psych also mentioned possible pathological demand avoidance too.

I'm will look at getting a laptop for her, I didn't even think of that. Will look into toe to toe. So many things I've never heard of before!

I do feel a bit abandoned after the dx. We don't have support from anyone and I really don't understand the system and what's available. We fumble along. Anyway, today is a new day

Thank you for your help x

I really don't understand the system and what's available

We never went down the EHCP route, but here's a couple of reliable links to get you started.

www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

specialneedsjungle.com/get-prepared/

Thank you for the links x

One option is to really focus on domestic and vocational skills. Pump loads of energy into teaching all those practical things like following a recipe, doing laundry, cleaning, washing up. Also excellent for developing sequencing, and means that you are preparing her to take care of herself as an adult. You may find she develops skills that can lead to paid employment, and they may not be academic at all.

(We home educate, which gives us time to develop everyone's skills at a pace and in a direction that suits them, but I understand that isn't possible or desirable for everyone).