Should I look into getting home educated dd a diagnosis of ASD?

[MissShapesMissStakes]

I’m pretty sure my 6 year old is autistic. She certainly has many of the traits of a girl with asd who fights hard to mask it.

She is extremely uncomfortable in the company of others (and that’s mostly everyone but me, her dad and her sibling).

She is very sensitive to being uncomfortable. Clothes and shoes are often bought and never worn. If she finds something comfortable I will buy a few of them as that is all she will want to wear until they fall apart.

She has one friend. She sees her a number of times a week (in different settings and alongside different children) but even so it takes her around 20 minutes to ‘warm up’ to her. Although she is very comfortable with her when they play at our house.

She looks, to me, to be scared of other children. A few times a week we meet up with around 8-10 children and she will stick to me. When other children come up to be friendly she will come to ask me the time, or make up some other excuse to escape. Even though we see these same people every week in the same situation.

She is very keen to spend time with her older sister. Luckily her older sister is pretty laid back. As dd can be very controlling and obsessive about playing with her and doing the same as her all the time.

Once you tell her a rule she will stick to it with a passion!

She easily becomes very emotional and shouty/angry. Will also then turn on herself and scratch herself (not enough to leave a mark). She is very loud and angry and will take a lot of careful, tactical calming down. This only ever happens at home. She will hold it in while out. As soon as we get home we see the frustration/anger/stress come out!

She has an incredible memory and eye for detail. She notices everything. Unfortunately at the moment that’s bugs in the house. She can spot one of hose barely visible, tiny daddy long leg spiders from the other side of a room as soon as she enters.

She HATES to be wrong. Ever!

I home educate both my children. It’s great and it works for us all. I honestly think a school would be way too stressful for dd. She would be one of those kids that holds it together at school and then explodes at home.

A few people have suggested I get her a diagnosis. But I’m not sure that I see the point.
I have worked with children with asd for over 20 years. I also know a lot of professionals who work in education or/and with children with asd. I can and do get support from them. She won’t need support in school as she isn’t in school.

Also she is such an anxious girl, and she hates being talked about in any way. She also doesn’t like being with most adults. She doesn’t talk to most of the adults we see while out and about. Even ones she sees weekly. There are some she will talk to me in front of. But not many.
I just think that talking to anyone about her will devastate her. And while I could get the ball rolling without taking her with me, she will need to be ‘seen’ at some point. I know that she will think I have betrayed her and that I think there is something ‘wrong’ with her.

She knows about autism. We have met a lot of people with autism. Adults and children. Most high functioning but some with many needs and learning difficulties too. One of my older dd’s friends is autistic and that’s not a secret. Two of my good friends are too. We talk about it very positively.

But I know as adults diagnosed my friends felt a great sense of relief. I don’t want her to feel how they felt growing up not knowing there was a reason for them feeling different and not a part of the world as they wanted to be.

If you have a child with asd when/how did you tell them?

As ever, it's a parental catch 22.

Does she realise she's different to other kids? My dd didn't at her age but many do and it causes them all sorts of upset because they don't know why they do things differently, but they are acutely aware that other people don't treat them the same.

If she realises and is concerned, then go for testing asap. Also stress that every person who has autism is different, there's no one size fits all, autism is a difference, there's no NT is right and autism is wrong. we are all people, some of us are different to others.

However, it takes so long to get a NHS dx these days, 18 months - 2 years can be average, sometimes depending on presentation then it can be 'wait and see' for much longer, so if you wait for her to voice her own concerns, then it can be a long time after that when she'll have a dx.

If she doesn't need an NHS dx for education plans etc. then consider going private, it will be much quicker.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply (I didn’t realise how long it was until I pressed post!).

What you say makes sense.

I don’t think she realises she is different from most other children yet. She is VERY self aware but I don’t think she has the ability yet to see what others are thinking about her.
When she loses her temper or becomes very anxious her assumption is that everyone else and the world is wrong, and she is being perfectly reasonable.

I think maybe it’s a wait and see for now. But we do have conversations about autism and how certain people we know are effected by it. How it makes some things quite tricky for them but that they have some great positives too. And that having someone tell them they are autistic doesn’t change the way they are.

I will ask around to see if any of them have received a private diagnosis and what the process and cost was. Also whether if she then went to school (I don’t plan on it but never say never) would she need an NHS diagnosis anyway.