12 year old DS - high functioning autism? Unsure where to start!

[Lonelybutnice]

Hi All,

Just a bit of background. DS2 is 12 years old. Between the ages of 1 and 4 he was extremely challenging. Violent behaviour, massive temper tantrums, cruel to his brother and the dog. My DM begged me to take him to the doctors but I felt I didn't need to and could ride it out.

DS2 started school and the behavioural issues cease almost immediately. He becomes ensconced in the work and is no longer badly behaved at all. He made friends, had normal interactions etc. Had a few little incidents over the years but nothing I'd be particularly concerned about.

He's always found a subject and became obsessive about it until he knows everything about it. Some examples: the assassination of JFK, the Great Depression, high school shootings. He's always found it difficult to understand sarcasm and he also struggles to understand that not every statement is the absolute truth. Example: on holiday he got a take away pizza, the box stated 'the best pizza in the world!' DS couldn't understand that this was just an advert if you like and genuinely told people he'd had the best pizza in the world.

So now he's in comprehensive school and his grades are all amazing, his teachers really like him. I've noticed that he seems to face a few more challenges now that he's expected to be more independent (struggles to work his bus fare out among other things) and recently he has started wearing make up, false nails, my high heels whilst around the house. It doesn't bother me one iota but I casually asked my friend on what she would do if he asks to start wearing those things outside of the house. My friends DD lived as a male for two years between ages 14 and 16 so she has some experience in this subject.

She advised that her DD has been diagnosed with high functioning autism and that she personally thinks my DS2 displays some very similar traits and she had thought so for a while.

DS2 is currently having some bowel issues investigated and I was considering mentioning this to the consultant? Any thoughts from those more experienced in this would be most welcome. Sorry for the long post.

well you could.
the only thing i would say is that diagnosis can be a long path and you need to think about what you would do with the diagnosis. if he is doing well at school i might think twice about going down that route as there is no magic treatment.

To put the other side: although it is true there is no magic treatment, if you look online at autistic people who were diagnosed late most of them say they wish they'd been diagnosed earlier, because self-knowledge is a useful thing of itself, and they might have beaten themselves up less about being different, and been able to make more healthy judgements about how much to try to fit in and how much to go with being different. Even without any access to support, the knowledge could still potentially be a useful thing.

Obviously that may be a biased sample (maybe people diagnosed early who wish they never were are quieter about it?), but food for thought. Could you talk to him about it? He might be at the kind of age where he could make up his own mind if it's something he wants to pursue?

From again anecdotal observation online a lot of autistic people seem to have diverse sexuality and/or gender identification too, so that wouldn't be too surprising, and again he might find useful support online as he gets older if this it the path he is going down.

I would start looking up some late or teenage diagnosed people online (YouTube is a good place to start: e.g. try Aspergers from the Inside, Invisible i, Purple Ella, Agony Autie, CaseyJeanC (who has gender dysphoria I think and has transitioned then detransitioned like your friend's DD), Connor Ward, The Aspie World, Amythest Schaber, Autistic Not Weird, Sam Barnes (who is Trans I think), Not So Neurotypical (a teen who has some gender issues), Just A Skinny Boy). I think gender identification and autism interact in interesting ways that aren't fully understood yet, making this a difficult area to navigate.

You sound like a lovely Mum. I'm sure the fact he has you at home with a no-judgement approach will make a huge difference for the better, whatever challenges he faces.

Thank you very useful advice. I think some research is required first of all. I'll check out all of the above mentioned. Thanks for your help.

it definitely sounds like it could be worth investigating, considering everything youve said.

I don't know if this is useful, but thought I'd share my experience, as my ds (who is 14) was diagnosed last week with autism. It's been something we've umm-ed and ahh-ed about for literally years, and it hadn't quite felt worth it for a long while - he is academic, and was coping ok. Secondary school was a bit of a trigger for me feeling it was worth pursuing a diagnosis. Social/peer-to-peer stuff became simultaneously more important, and more of a challenge for him - and both the organisational and sensory sides of school were difficult. For ds (& tbh, for me) a dx (& the dx process) has been a huge emotional lifting - it's allowing us to see his challenges as something that isn't a problem, or a failing, but just an expression of who he is. He was so delighted to find an 'explanation' for the things he struggles - that means it's not him being 'rubbish' but him managing despite them being hard for him. It's been really interesting watching him own the space and the diagnosis - it's allowed us both to relax on things that don't matter and focus on what does matter to him, and where he does want to master skills.

Sorry, that may be a little inarticulate, but as a mum who has literally just been through the journey of getting a dx, I'm so delighted we did, so I hope that's helpful info for you.