Advice re an adult with possible SN

[thedogsbollox]

At the ballet school a few MNetters go to, there is a parent (male) who is borderline verbally abusive to his two DD's who are around 3 and 5 YO.

We are pretty much used to listening to some nasty bullying behaviour towards the DDs but today he excelled himself.

The elder girl (5) had been asked at home to check the ballet bags but had missed the fact that her younger sister's tap shoe was missing from the bag. When dad realised this he went ballistic. He ranted on and on and on, for about 15mins or so about the fact that she had not packed the shoe, had been asked to pack the bag and so on and so on. He appeared to be in a 'loop' that he could not get out of.

One of the other mums who goes there is medically trained and strongly suspects that he has mental health problems. There is no eye contact ever, he is 'nervy' in his delivery, and the tirades at the children are often in a 'loop'.

We as a group are wondering what to do. The children appear well cared for, mum is more normal but still hyper dramatic IYKWIM. We have thought about slipping a 'positive parenting' book into one of the children's ballet bag, or possibly even taking him aside to talk to him. We are worried though, that if he does have mental health issues that it could make things more stressful, and difficult to handle, for him. Or make him more abusive towards the girls.

It is one of the most heartbreaking situations I have ever witnessed and any advice on what to do (even if it is to do nothing) is very welcome. i didn't want to post on the main board, as I thought I would get a 'string him up' response [weak smile]!

BTW it is Soapbox here, posting with my new name.

sounds like a tough one.... every fibre of my being is screaming 'ring SS and have them do a check' but having heard some horrific stories on here that probably wouldn't be best.

Is the mother approachable at all? could you take her aside as a group and express your concerns in a supportive way?

That was my reaction today PT, but it seems a big escalation IYKWIM. We thought we might perhaps be able (through my medic friend) to track down their GP and thereby the health visitor. ALthough the ballet school covers a wide area which might make that difficult.

I tend to agree with tulips, i'd be tempted to leave it in the hands of SS. They arent total monsters (although admittedly they have made some very well broadcast mistakes).

Sounds as though the family need help, its unlikely anyone from your group could give the one to one support they'd need, so, ultimately, it would be SS to arrange help anyway.

Perhaps you could liase through the class teacher?

from what you say about him he reminds me of a man with a son in DS class.
he used to scream at the child if he forgot anything or if he got into trouble, he was SN not sure of the dx (his son that is).
eventually something happened because the son was placed in a special school and IIRC, SS became involved with the family.
The dad clearly had some mental health problems but to see the way he bullied his little boy was heartbreaking.
i was told a couple of months ago that his wife and him have split up with her keeping the children and she now has a new partner and they are very happy.
its hard to know what to do for the best, i know i used to squirm outside school, but eventually school did something about it.
does this man talk to his children like that near school?

Thanks VVVQV and Jenk.

I don't know how he is other than at ballet lessons on a Saturday morning, although I don't think it would be too hard to find out what school the DCs are at.

I would imagine he is exactly like it anywhere tbh, as he seems to be totally unable to control his behaviour - almost as if it isn;t him saying it. It is a monologue in someways, a ramble in others. Today he would not give up adn just kept saying 'who is to blame for this' his DD would say 'me' in a little trembling voice, which was a cue for him to start again from the beginning, until he got back to hte 'who is to blame' bit and off he went again.

It wasn't even the end of the world, the little girl could have done tap in her ballet shoes.

I'll have a chat to my friends about it, and see what they think. Perhaps SS is the way to go

the DB - I think someone actually gently but firmly needs to ask him to desist as he is upsetting everyone. Perhaps also discussion with Miss Principal there airing concerns- Just wonder if there should be a new waiting room parent etiquette notice!! about psychological long term damage inflicted by such behaviour

Are you volunteering then?

I'd talk to the principal confidentially. I think a positive parenting book is dreadful idea!

I doubt SS would do very much. If the children appear well cared for etc they're going to be too busy dealing with other stuff.

I can talk to the principal Gess, but I can't really see what she can do, other than tell him to stop it while on the premises, and that is a little unfair, as I don't think he can help himself IYSWIM.

It isn;t physical abuse, so I agree SS may not be interested, but it is some of the most awfully agressive behaviour I have have ever seen by a Dad towards his children. And it is upsetting for everyone to witness.

I suspect that eventually one of the other parents will blow a gasket over it all - and that would be far from helpful I think.

may have to... May give a ring during the week as am off.. they should know that there may be a problem just in case one of us loses our cool, although that would not be the right thing to do.
Am also going to chat to healthcare worker friend who has many years of experience and always knows what to do.
It may also pay for us to devise some way of distracting him ( like a toddler having a tantrum!!)so that he doesn't spiral as much. Could you pretend you fancy him DB?

oh dear - how awful. I think approaching via the mother might be the best way. Does anyone know who they are friends with? Might someone else know more about their situation.

I called adult ss about someone I was worried about. They called round, did some sort of assessment, recommended this adult needed help - sorted out the help and the adult refused it and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, they couldn't force it upon him iyswim.

I imagine it might be different if children were involved but they may be getting help already for all you know.

The ballet school would almost certainly have details of the family GP I would have thought? (Usually required information on application forms for this kind of thing). The school staff could contact the health visitor and flag up concerns-have the staff commented on it too?

I think I might even dress up in a bright red leotard and fishnet tights and fling myself at him, if it avoids a recurrance of today's awful scene!

You are right though, about pre-warning them just in case someone does lose it. I think it was definitely touch and go today!

oops, where I said 'unfortunately, they couldn't force it upon him' - this help would have really transformed his life for the better but he didn't want it. Obviously, that was his choice and not my place to force him to have it!

Surley the concern should be for his little girls though-presumably this behaviour does not just happen at ballet school? It seems more of an issue for the welfare of the family than the possibility that other parents may be upset?

Tiggi - I think you are right - I think the GP might very well be on the form.

Perhpas if FE talks to them during the week they could get in contact with the GP?

FIS - I think we will make some subtle enquiries in the waiting room over the next few weeks to see if anyone knows the family outside of the ballet school.

am now really looking forward to saturday mornings DB!!!
I don't think there are GP details on form but it isn't hard to find info out, if you're in your kit you'll find out everything!
No joshing aside- there is a strong HV network and it is worthwhile speaking to one of the team in area. Alos if he does another floor show we'll have to do something as I cannot listen to this again

Give me a ring during the week if you decide to do anything FE!

I still ahve the whole episode playing itself out in my head - over and over again!

Poor children Poor man Poor bloody family!