Help me be a more patient mum to my ADHD DD

[christmastreewithhairyfairy]

DD is nearly 8 and has moderate-severe ADHD - combined type but more inattentive. I love her so much but oh god she drives me up the wall.

Nothing is huge but it's so relentless:

• only doing something when asked (a million times) - getting dressed, brushing teeth, flushing the loo, putting anything away ever... she just faffs around until told to do something, it never occurs to her to do any of these things herself
• no sense of urgency - dawdles and wastes time even if we are running late, everyone is shouting, and we are only trying to get out for school as we do every day so it should not be a surprise
• keeps doing things you've just ask her not to (and have been telling her not to for 7 years) - wipes hands, face, nose on clothes, picks flowers when wandering past any plants including other people's gardens, straying too close to a road or river, talking over someone else's conversation
• overemotional breakdowns over things that should really not upset a 7yo (e.g. wrong colour cup) and this high pitched keening crying that sets my teeth on edge
• touching me (and others) all the time, squeezing my boobs, licking my face - I'm a huggy sort of person but it often feels invasive and she doesn't understand boundaries.

I KNOW none of this is her fault but when it's all day every day I feel so wound up by it all and even if I manage to avoid shouting I just end up more and more pissy until I know she and everyone else can hear the annoyance in my voice and I sound like such a horrible stroppy mother

This is a whole different topic but DH and also very probably I both have ADHD of varying types/degrees, which means:

• I also get wound up by him doing mad/impulsive stuff which adds to my bad mood.
• we are rubbish at keeping up with the behaviours and routines that would probably help all of us be calmer and more organised
• I was never the most patient of people even before DD...

What can I do to make myself nicer and calmer with her?

Does she take medication to help her ADHD? It was a life saver for us with our DS. In my opinion ADHD is difficult to treat without medication.

Oh god I hear you. After my 10th time of reminding ds1 to do something, I usually end up screaming like a banshee (his meds don't kick in until 9ish).

Med's are amazing for us and ds1, changed all our lives and made whole family much calmer and happier

Getting ready for school. We prep as much as we can night before so uniform is laid put in the sitting room, bag and shoes next front door. Then I pretty much walk.him through getting ready. I sit with dc while they eat to remind them to keep eating. Take them upstairs and we all.brush teeth. Heard them into the sitting room and everyone gets dressed. All my dc problem have adhd

only doing something when asked (a million times) - getting dressed, brushing teeth, flushing the loo, putting anything away ever... she just faffs around until told to do something, it never occurs to her to do any of these things herself

Would a laminated tick-chart help with that?
Cartoon pic of each activity with a box to be ticked when it's completed.
Wipe-off ticks ready for the next day.
If it's no good as a long list, or she'll just tick everything all at once, give her one activity to complete, then she brings the card back to you, then you give her the next one.

Have you seen a sensory OT? The touching and licking could be sensory-seeking. Ask for a referral or self-refer if you can.

Have a look through the resources on here, you can make your own if you need something specific.
www.sparklebox.co.uk/special-needs/visual-timetable/home-routines.html#.WzK9pNVKiM8

Have you tried a talking stick? Pick any object that's visible and easy to hold to be the Talking Stick.
Whoever holds the stick is the only person who can speak. It's not an instant intervention, it just serves as a visual reminder that only the person with the stick may speak. Try easy question and answer conversations to get used to it. You hold the stick and ask the question, she has to take hold of the stick before she answers. Vary it to suit her needs.

I started this thread and then got distracted so forgot to come back . I am just as bad as DD... (which is why I feel so bad for not being more understanding)
Thanks all for your replies
DD started on equasym a month or so ago and while it has made a huge difference to school work and homework, we don't see much change in these types of behaviours. I assumed that meds perhaps didn't help in the more social aspects, maybe she's just on the wrong sort/dose?

it really showed again to me tonight what a struggle it is for them when they know they ought not to be doing xyz but can’t seem to help it. Then I feel sad when I struggle!
^ this, completely.

We have tried a few routine charts etc but nothing seems to stick, which i know is as much a reflection of our difficulties as hers.

As well as changing her behaviours I would like to an extent be able to just accept her for who she is, the things she really can't change, which is more about changing me! if this makes sense...

BlankTimes
Have you seen a sensory OT? The touching and licking could be sensory-seeking. Ask for a referral or self-refer if you can.

This is interesting. No, it's not an area I know anything about. She does a lot of chewing, fiddling, I guess things that would be sensory-seeking, but I assumed it was "just" part of ADHD. Would a referral be through CAMHS or GP?

In my area it would be GP for a new referral or Sensory OT for a direct referral.
Are you under a paed? If so, ring their secretary and ask how you can get a referral.

Here's a bit about it. A lady called Jean Ayers first recognised it and her book is rather technical but extremely interesting. I found our Sensory OT just explained so much of the 'why' of my then 11 year old' dd's behaviour, it was like a window into another world. Suddenly there was a reason that she did things other kids didn't or couldn't do what other kids could.

www.sensoryintegration.org.uk/What-is-SI

www.theotpractice.co.uk/how-we-help/conditions/sensory-processing-disorder

One resource for things that can help after the OT has done the sensory profile and you can't wait to get stuff to help
www.cheapdisabilityaids.co.uk/

I get a lot of fidget and calming things from poundshop, B+M type places, not labelled as sensory toys but they fit the bill.

Also for wobble cushions, exercise balls etc. look for Aldi and Lidl's yoga type events, lots of their things are helpful for sensory stuff as are 66fit. Again, not labelled as such, but really handy to have depending on sensory needs.

Sorry, forgot to say, Sensory Integration is co-morbid (sounds vile, means exists alongside) with quite a lot of SN. There are moves to have it recognised as a disability in its own right.

Bit more info
www.smartkidswithld.org/first-steps/what-are-learning-disabilities/sensory-processing-disorder-overview/

Thank you blanktimes, really helpful.
This all makes so much sense. DD has a fiddle cube (well she has about 5 that get lost all the time) and school gave her a wobble cushion so there is clearly something there. I had no idea it was a thing in its own right.
I mean I had heard of SPD but assumed it was more sensory avoidance, hating the feel of labels etc, but the sensory seeking makes huge sense for DD.
We have seen a paed through camhs, not seprately, is that what you mean?
Camhs never even mentioned or asked about any sensory issues.

My dd is adult now so systems may have changed since her sensory OT evaluations and sessions.

We never had contact with CAMHS, it was a long time ago so different processes were in operation.

If I had a primary aged child now and I could afford it, I'd have them assessed privately by a team who also worked one or more days a week for the NHS, that way I'd find out quicker and I'd have the type of dx that no local authority could dispute.

If that's not an option, ask your paed about a Sensory OT, ask if they are part of their team and ask your GP as well.
You have to become That Parent. You have to create a paper trail,(email to confirm verbal conversations) you have to chase everyone to do what they said they would by the time they said they'd do it.

One Mum I know got to an assessment appointment that she'd waited months for, to be told that they'd overbooked and she'd have to make a new appointment and it would be several more months.
She calmly sat in the waiting room and said her original appointment was valid. She wanted the assessment that day and if they wouldn't do it, then she'd be there with her child from early morning until the professional went home, every day until they did the child's assessment. She was seen within a few hours.

The system of wait and see, fobbing you off etc. not committing to a diagnosis or arranging any help has to stop somewhere, you need to be That Parent sometimes, we all do.

Go Girl!

That Parent
I try my best to be That Parent. Our first proper consultation with Camhs, where they confirmed several diagnoses not just ADHD, was in March and we still haven't received the letter from it so nothing in writing. We've since had other appointments and they have confirmed ADHD but not all the other stuff - SCD, anxiety etc, and that doctor has left, vaguely promising to catch up on his paperwork at some point. I must have called 10 times
So no, I don't trust them to do anything at all useful really.
Now I am working full time and DH is a SAHD and meant to be dealing with all of this but he refuses to be That Parent and keeps telling me to just let it go.
aargh I have wound myself up now!
You're right waiting it is exhausting.
Good work getting the assessment covered! Was it useful?

I think we have the same DD! I have no words of wisdom to share - seeking answers myself.