Can anyone help with what is and isnt "normal" behaviour please, DD suspected asd

[Spoppit]

Hello sorry i hope I'm in the right place

My daughter is 2 and a half, the HV saw her for 2 year check and expressed concern over some of her behaviour so referred her to child development team, speech and language and portage.
She has an appointment with consultant on the 9th Aug, waiting list for SALT and portage are coming next week for her risk assessment?

This morning we have received paperwork to fill out on her strengths and our concerns, my problem at the minute is that we have only been blessed with one child amd I have little experience with toddlers, so any behaviour I see from DD is normal to me. I had no concern with her behaviour before the HV mentioned anything and still I sort of believe she's just a bossy, independent, awkward toddler.

These are some things other people have mentioned (HV and family) which i notice but think are quite normal for a toddler?
DD jumps a lot when she's excited, she also flaps her arms and clenches her fists.
She doesn't tend to stick to one activity she does everything, but she does become fixated on activities such as pouring water in and between cups, watching tv, and fiddling with bits of toys or beads.
She doesn't communicate well but she is very verbal, her language is mostly exact phrases copied from us or tv.
She has daily tantrums varying in severity, from throwing herself to the floor and lying there for 10 minutes to being purple in the face screaming and physically injuring herself and others.
She enjoys watching other children playing but will not join in their games, she uses other people like toys in her games.
She cannot make simple decisions, follow commands or understand no, stop etc
She has no understanding of danger, dirtiness or personal space/strangers.
She has to have things a certain way, she will not go to sleep without the same routine.
She doesn't really eat unless its what she's wanting usually ice cream or crisps.
She dislikes having baths, or being cleaned with wipes when she's mucky.
She doesn't understand emotion but can tell you if you're smiling or crying.
She looks through people or looks at a part of them there isnt much eye contact.
She wants to be picked up and will lie on you for a cuddle but doesn't often hug back, she prefers to sit on my knee with my arms wrapped right around her chest and belly and taps my arm.

Is this not normal behaviour? Or is it the amount she does them that makes it not normal ? I'm confused

Reading your list there's enough there that could be possible signs of asd. The eye contact and copying phrases from TV stand out.

You could print it out and take it with you as things other people have said. Just be honest on your forms about her behaviour. Don't get hung up on the concerned bit. Write down anything you notice about her behaviour even if you think it's normal toddler stuff.

I'm sort of the same. All my kids have additional needs. I'd never spent any time with other kids so I just thought they were doing what kids do and my parenting was pants.

I often said to health professional's 'I don't know what average behaviour is'

My DD was recently diagnosed with ASD (aged 4, but concerns started to be raised around your DD's age). I had exactly the same problem: to me she just seemed completely normal but she's my first child. Honestly I still wouldn't have worked it out now if our nanny hadn't raised it. Not sure if I ever would have done to be honest, as she is an awful lot like me in many ways, so it wouldn't have occurred to me the things she finds difficult could actually be signs of a "condition" because they are the same things I found hard. I agree just write everything down that you can think of, regardless of whether you think its normal.

The thing I didn't realise at the time is that there is at least as much difference between different children on the spectrum as there is between different neurotypical children, so there are a huge number of different ways that children on the spectrum can present, and different sets of differences/talents/challenges.

It doesn't sound like you're panicking, which is great, but do try not to. I did a bit and I regret the time and energy I spent on it now. DD is different, not better or worse, and we all have a lovely life. I'm sure there will be challenges along the way but that is also true of pretty much any parent.

In the mean time it could be worth reading up on e.g. sensory sensitivities to try to reduce the tantrums/meltdowns. If you look up Purple Ella on YouTube (she is autistic as are 2 of her 3 children) she has a good video on their "sensory aid kit".

I am no expert but, yes, imo some of these behaviours are red flags for ASD and some are the same as my ds, now 4, presented with (the eating, fixations, echolalia, no danger awareness, dislike of hands being dirty, not stopping when told, lack of shared attention etc.)

DS was also our first (and only) but I knew that compared to his peers that he was developing differently and was behind in some areas. At the time we hoped it was a developmental delay but in my heart I knew we were heading for an ASD diagnosis.

In your dd’s case, she will be seen by experts early (a year earlier than in our case) and they will be able to diagnose, or not, and put some support in place for her regardless.

It might be a good idea to start reading up methods to help her in the areas that she is finding difficult - socialisation, social communication, sensory issues - so that you can work on them with her. I don’t think there’s anything that you could do that would be detrimental if she is NT.

And as LightTripper says, try not to worry too much. It’s natural but really is wasted energy.

Thank you
I've spoken to my mum today and she literally said everything I've mentioned here I just need to write on the forms and then when i see each of the teams they'll be able to see what DD is like and I'll probably realise other bits and bobs that she does.

Im not worrying too much, she's not going to change no matter how much i worry lol.
I've managed to figure out a few things that cause her distress and I've managed to get her to tell me things by singing at her which feels very silly but it works.