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I feel at breaking point with dd

4 replies

SalveGrumio · 02/06/2018 23:00

DD is 5, almost 6. We've had suspicions for a while about ASD, confirmed by friends and family who work in SEN and particularly ASD. There have been many incidents at school, violent outbursts and we have been pushing the school and finally have a referral to Ed Psych.

GP was unhelpful, saying lots of children don't like change (it's not just that!). I'm going back again this week.

The SENCO asked me to write everything down to prep and seeing it all there made me see more clearly.

But we're exhausted. She doesn't sleep well at all (she's never done a week of sleeping through), takes hours to get to sleep, wakes in the night screaming. She hates school, I think partly as a consequence of the reactions to the incidents. She says she's a bad person :(.

She's violent to us and her brother. It's not like a tantrum, but might start when she can't get her way, but it seems like it's a lack of control or everything is too much. Sometimes it can be more passive after a meltdown, like she's testing us. She also spits and bites.

She doesn't like certain noises, smells can cause her to breakdown, she'll only wear limited things. She doesn't get joking much, takes things very literally.

She doesn't really have many friends, one friend but gets upset if she plays with someone else, can't control the friendship. She doesn't play with groups of children, but will play one on one with her brother.

Anyway I'm rambling. I'm exhausted. The screaming, violent meltdowns seem more frequent. I feel like the world's worst mother. Because maybe it's not ASD and it is out parenting.

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 03/06/2018 11:05

Because maybe it's not ASD and it is out parenting.

Does her brother behave the same way? no? Then guess what, it's not your parenting. Keep that thought in mind.
Be prepared for CAMHS to say it is and go on any parenting course they offer just to show you're willing to play ball.

However...if you're trying to parent her as you parent her brother (presume he's NT) consequences etc. it's not going to work if she does have ASD.

Start reading about ASD parenting strategies and try those, see what happens. Read as much as you can about ASD and its co-morbids, PDA, Sensory Processing, Too Loud, Too Fast too Bright, etc. Ross Greene's Explosive Child.

Remember, her behaviour isn't "bad" when she's violent, she's using the only way she knows how to communicate that she's overwhelmed and her anxiety is off the scale.

SalveGrumio · 03/06/2018 20:48

No, you are right DS doesn't behave like this. I have started to read Asd behaviour strategies.

I think yesterday I just had enough, so tired, so many meltdowns. She's been better today. Some friends took older ds out all day and me and DH stayed with her. We did things she chose, at her pace and it was lovely.

I'm just sitting her room now though, cos she won't go to sleep alone!

OP posts:
Saturdaygap · 04/06/2018 00:36

It's not your parenting.

So what leaps out at me is that she hates school and she feels that she is a bad person. What is happening is that school is overwhelming her despite her best efforts. They ask her to do things that are impossible for her, things that are surprises, contradictory, in places full of unbearable noise, something that we don't know, but not possible - she explodes. They treat her like she chose to do that. She didn't. But she believes them and feels that she is completely useless, unloveable, and a bad person. She has even less resource mentally to face tomorrow or home time or any demand outside. So then you see more outbursts, and she feels bad about herself some more.

Which is a long way of saying you should investigate what's happening at school, and see what they are putting in place for her.

sickofsocalledexperts · 10/06/2018 20:24

See if you can get some ABA help via CAMHS. My boy had this kind of behavioural problem at that age, the ABAers sorted it out (good news, as he's now over 6 ft and 14 stone at only 15)! Good luck!

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