Anybody else really struggling with half term?

[CaptainCallisto]

Half term is becoming a recurring nightmare. DS1 (6 and in the process of a HF ASD diagnosis) just cannot cope with being out of his routine. He's stressed and anxious, DS2(4) is going stir crazy and doesn't understand why his brother won't play with him, DH is working bucket loads of overtime because the holiday means it's busy at work and his deputy manager is on paternity leave... I'm at the end of my tether!

I just want to jump in the car and take them to a museum/park but I can't because DS1 is showing all the signs that he's building up for a total meltdown and he doesn't do well with crowds and noise at the best of times. I suggested going for a walk earlier and he started stimming, then shut himself in his room for half an hour.

I spent most of Tuesday listening to FIL and SIL telling me that they don't know why I'm forcing us all to go through this diagnostic process because DS 'isn't like that' and there's nothing wrong with him, and I'm just trying to label him. I wish they could see him on days like this!

As much as I hope nobody else is having a hard time, I sort of feel the need to know we're not alone in this; that other people find school holidays hard work. Please tell me it's not just me and my shit parenting

Nope it’s not your parenting.
We’ve had a rough time his half term so much so I’m dreading summer holidays.
But, it’s friday tomorrow. We’ve done the majority of the break, Monday’s not too far away.
Hand hold. You are not alone.
Sometimes when the sun shines I cannot help but think of the many parents who cannot get out with their children for one reason or another, there are lots of them.
But also I’m surprised how many parents who don’t have the same struggles with their kids don’t put themselves under the same amount of pressure to do much over the holidays.
So lose the guilt and honestly, you’re not alone.

Thank you Lesley. Sorry you're having a rough week too.

Objectively I know it's nothing we're doing wrong, it's just so hard to see him like this, and I keep hearing SIL in my head telling me it's not fair to waste NHS resources because I can't parent him properly. It starts to make me doubt myself.

Hope your weekend goes as smoothly as possible. Monday can't come soon enough!

It isn’t just you, I’m feeling pretty crappy too. TOTM which isn’t helping. Ds(4) with ASD isn’t being difficult in a huge way but he is just not doing most of what I ask him to without a threat to remove a favoured toy or similar. I hate it. I don’t want to have to issue such threats but nothing else seems to work at the moment.

We are the opposite. It’s not getting out that’s the issue, it’s getting him to leave somewhere when it’s time to go. I’ve had some horrendous experiences which have left me very reluctant to take him to certain places on my own. Places that we used to go to all the time and I would love to do with him. I’m hoping this will pass and we’ll be able to manage them again.

It doesn’t help reading threads like the one on AIBU about saying no to kids. People judge so much and assume you’re an ineffectual parent. Today I really feel like one.

could you go for a walk first thing in the morning when there are less people around, even if it is just round the block, just for the exercise, then try and do something at home which is interesting and sufficiently much of a treat that ds2 feels he has had fun and ds1 can do his own thing if he wants...build castle out of cushions, paddling pool or bath in the daytime with toys, baking, dance around the sitting room. Website with rainy day activities - I think Muminthemadhouse has lots of craft ideas.

The other thing is talking through any plan you have, well in advance, in simple terms, and make the plan very very simple too, like going to shop choosing a baking kit and coming home afterwards straightaway on foot. It is an ASD friendly strategy to talk things through so that new events are less alarming, in conjunction with making outings very simple at first, and possibly very familiar. With lots of positive reinforcement at destination, and short duration, bolt hole like insurance option (what will you do if he melts down or gets upset, think through how you going to manage that when out - McDonalds, home straight away, small reassuring item)

the frustration builds up that you have to do what other parents are doing with their kids over half term (museums and theme parks and visits), but sometimes it is easier just to do a bespoke plan that suits your family, a very simple limited plan.

I've been through this and come out the other side (ds now loves outings and in particular trains/tubes and football matches) and realise that my children were never ever going to enjoy museums (they still don't really, and as for parks...too much space and room for lying down on the ground and screaming or complaining or needing the loo etc) and realise I should have made things a lot simpler for myself and lowered expectations.

Dcs have seen most sights there are to see nowadays, London Eye, National Gallery, Saatchi Gallery, Berlin, Ireland, Lanzarote, camped, swum, pantomimes, theatre, restaurants. It will get better. No need to push them now.

With ASD and in fact a lot of NT children it is transitions that present a problem, rather than routines as such being necessary for every day of the week. So if you can make the transitions very familiar on the days when you are not a school, and do the same sort of things each weekend or holiday, same park, same swimming pool, same cafe it becomes a lot less stressful for them. And be nice to yourself as well, any rewards you can give yourself over half term are very important, ready meals, watch your favourite programme in the evening, it all reduces that tense feeling that half term is being a nightmare.

Thanks Nettle - we do a lot with him on transitions already. It's a real issue with him - especially if the transition includes meeting/leaving people. We've even started making him a little tick list if we're going somewhere new/complicated that's likely to be overwhelming. Like the other week when we had to get the train to a family event; he had his little notebook with him and we'd written down collect tickets, check departure board, find platform etc so he could take it each stage at a time and tick it off when he'd done it. He really enjoyed that!

We also check the weather forecast each night before bed so he knows whether he'll be in shorts or trousers the next day. He finds it hard going from one to the other so the changeable weather at the moment is not our friend.

We do usually have familiar routines at the weekend as well, but stuff that we'd usually do will either be ten times as busy or just not on. He got upset this morning because we couldn't go to the story session at the library. It's not on because it's half term, but he knows it's Saturday so it really threw him, in spite of us making sure he knew yesterday that he wouldn't be going. Likewise the little play park we usually go to early on because it's quiet has been rammed all week from first thing in the morning.

He actually loves museums! Off season here (we live just outside a tourist city) we can go at the weekends and it's not too bad, especially if we go early/late, but as soon as it hits school holidays there are (literally) coach loads of tourists everywhere and it's just too much.

Usually going for a walk is my go-to if we need to get out but he just wasn't having it on Thursday! We've been for a bug hunt this morning with his magnifying glass, and DS2 had a good run around while DS1 wrote down all the bugs he'd seen in his book.

The forecast is hideous for tomorrow so we've made a plan to build a Lego town and watch Coco, so hopefully the end of the week will be better than the middle!

DD1 who I strongly suspect has ASD (haven't gone down the diagnosis route as of yet for various reasons) goes off the rails completely at the start of half terms. Tends to become vaguely tolerable by about Thursday evening when she's adjusted a bit - but at the moment she's floundering at the idea of transitioning into a new year group at school as well (once they've got the class lists sorted out they're going to give her extra input regarding the transition) and she's been an absolute nightmare.

Then with my nerves shot cos of that DD2's dyspraxia and constant bangs and crashes from things being knocked over, or her tripping over, or things being spilt has just had me right on edge most of the week too. She's struggling a bit from starting to be aware that she can't run or balance or things like her peers (who've been fairly rotten to her all year to be honest) and because of her speech issues and her speech only just really flourishing this last year we've got a delayed action threenager on our hands as well - at least we've not had the continence regression we normally seem to get at the start of every holiday this time where I spend Friday evening - Wednesday scrubbing shit out of pants on an hourly basis before the penny drops again and we go back to it being on the toilet!

Summer holidays I've got relatively sorted - they're away with my parents for a fortnight (DD1 always behaves a lot better for my mother than me - probably me being a shit parent, and because they're only dealing with DD2's continence on a short-term basis it's not as grinding down for them as it is for me) and then there's another week where DH is taking them to stay with his family... I avoid dealing with my mother-in-law and get the house to myself for a week - double bonus! (Don't trust MIL to follow all the stuff we need to do for DD2's toileting issues properly without either me or DH there - there are historic reasons for this)

Enjoy your week in peace Bing! Thankfully, after bowel surgery in Jan DS2 is mostly sorted continence wise - it really is a grind isn't it? I can't believe how much longer a pack of washing tabs lasts now! We still have issues with DS1 wetting through night nappies but it only tends to be once or twice a week so a lot better than before. Hope your DD continues without regression as she goes back into a school routine.

We have had problems every Fri and Sunday in term time because that's a change/disruption. All holidays are much worse for the same reason. DD is 17 now, we've had it since she was at school, so aged 4? I'm knackered, tbh .
I can't offer any wise advice, just a friendly supportive comment and a hug xxx

Thanks Chicken - we're quite lucky in that DS manages weekends reasonably well. He knows Saturday = get up and walk to the library, Sunday = get up and drive Daddy to work. He's very keen on each day having its set routine (particularly in the morning. He is ok after that as long as we give him a breakdown of what we're doing). It's why he finds holidays so tricky because there just isn't one - not even a routine that's the same for each school holiday because they're all different. They've got a random training day on Friday that I strongly suspect will throw a spanner in the works!

Oh god, INSET days :( a nightmare. Or other random staff training. DD is in 6th form now, so much more flexible timetable :( not good.