Adhd and resistance to doing anything

[Picklesandsausages]

DD is 8 and at times an absolute nightmare, particularly when getting ready for school or bed. Everything is a fight/ argument and I'm so fed up of it.

Some mornings go well, but some are awful. There is no pattern she just digs her heels in. Sometimes i can manage to stay calm, but i couldn't this morning. I was tired, we were running late and she's just playing and refusing to do anything. I got very cross. I know it doesn't help and I'm not sure what to do.

How do others manage? I'm so stuck right now.

Hello, DS (9) is autistic and has ADHD.

I recommend:
The Explosive Child book by Dr Ross Greene- this has helped us more than anything I think

PDA strategies - can be found on the PDA website

A low arousal / low key bedtime routine. Altho DS also takes melatonin now to help with sleep so I can't put it all down to routine.
Tiring him out helps too - he's been way more compliant at bedtime after playing in the garden all evening with the paddling pool / water recently (noticeable when it rained yesterday and he was indoors more).

Staying calm and upbeat myself is definitely key - but is IS very hard when the refusal is daily - I do know. When I'm stressed due to lateness then he is definitely worse.
I'm taking some medication due to my own anxiety which has helped me enormously in terms of being able to stay more calm in order to help DS stay calm too.

DS listens to audiobooks on headphones on the way in to school now which has helped to ease his anxiety a bit.

I also have to chop and change things regularly because things work for a bit then stop, so sometimes it can help to break a negative pattern with a new thing for a while (my DS likes a mixture of routine and non-routine to stay on an even keel which can be tricky!)

Could it be transitions itself are the problem? Anxiety over transitions can display itself as resistance; I suppose the only thing you can do is positively reinforce the transition. Talk it through, make something nice happen whilst doing it (not afterwards) like singing on the way up to bed, or singing in the car, or eating breakfast in the car or walking to school perhaps (croissants? juice in small carton?)

Adhd and autism benefit from "heavy work" carrying knapsacks, carrying bags, bending and stretching - could you encorporate that into the whole transition time? Sensory issues to do with putting clothes on or not liking uncomfortable coats or socks or shoes might also influence his dislike of transition from one activity to another - maybe he doesn't really like getting undressed or dressed. Has an OT given you any advice on what might help?

The Out of Synch Child is a good book.

rewards do not work in our house, but positive reinforcement whilst doing the thing I want him to do, does, ifysim. So stickers no, but kind words/activities he enjoys help him do things he doesn't feel like doing.

Son now 16, ADHD, autism and dyspraxia.

sorry, that is dd not ds, I misread it.

Playing is a way of stopping herself feeling anxious, could the playing continue on the way to school? imaginary games en route, a toy in the car/as you walk (I mean very low key ones) I think children get quite alarmed when the "tone" changes, it's time for school it's time for bed etc, ds told me that he hates hearing those words, and he likes things to be done more "politely" and "gently". He also used to hate the words "No that is very unacceptable behaviour", he said he wished I had phrased it differently

I think if you have ADHD then complex instructions or even a series of instructions are quite difficult to follow, whereas just one instruction might possibly get retained. Ds tends to tune out even now, unless it is something he "owns" himself, ie putting his own blazer and shoes on because it is "his" routine. Anything random he just cannot process the instructions and takes ages even at 16. He'll disappear upstairs and forget why he went there unless he is the one who has made the decision to do something, knows why he is doing it, then he is amazingly directed, efficient and organised!!! Yes, it may happen yet!

hopefully as it is half term tomorrow you can have lots of downtime. waterplay is so good, even a bath in the middle of the day worked for our children in emergencies..

We have tick chart for ds9. He's a very set routine every morning: breakfast (ticks his chart), uniform is laid out in sittingroom by both of us the night before (ticks chart), we both go upstairs and do teeth together (ticks chart). He then can have his ipad or 3ds until it time to go which is usually 30 mins and we set a timer. When it buzzes he has to come off ipad. There's a checklist on the front door - shoes, coat, bag, lunch - again laid out by me and him the night before.

Ticks on chart get a reward at the end of the week, we use money

none of that worked for us Allthewaves in fact it created anxiety when he didn't get the money or the ipad buzzed. One of the things we did for a long time, much longer with an NT child was to find things for him and hand him things, after a bit he wanted to find them himself It was a developmental stage that he reached later, but he is now very organised and not stressed about getting ready or going anywhere. we used to even put his shoes on for him when he was 8. It helped stop the morning tension/arguments. I think you can decide to fight some battles but not all.

My sons pure adhd so very set routines work for him. He's not anxious in any shape or form (unlike his asd sibling). So he needs prompts and reminders that are not me telling him what to do as he then digs in as he thinks he is being nagged and babyfied. Plus I'm getting two other sen kids ready so had to be something that made him semi independent getting ready. Works well for him

Thank you all, some really helpful advice.

I'll buy the explosive child book as I've heard that mentioned a few times on here.

We have tried routines, rewards, stickers, money. There will just be times she refuses to do what she needs to do. At the moment she's refusing to brush her teeth of an evening and she hadn't washed properly in about 3 days. She says she'll do it later. The only way I can get her to do it is to refuse to do something she wants until she does what she needs to do, which sets up a horrid dynamic. I think she'd ignore the timers tbh.

I used to have a strict routine when they were younger and it worked well. But my working hours changed so DH was required to do more in the evenings and he doesn't do routine. He's better than he was but it's taken about 3 years to get him to this point and he'll still tit about at bedtime, which they love, but it winds them up and bedtime is then even further delayed.

my son used to refuse to wash when he was about 8, he was scared of showers and hated taking his clothes off/bath etc/transition. What worked for us, was non-routine fun ways of washing, so he lost his fear of the transition "idea" ifysim. So sit in the bath with your clothes on first, then take them off in the bath = game. Shower with your clothes on = game. Go swimming = game. jump in and out of paddling pool filled with warm water = game. result fear of washing decreases, it becomes normalised, and by the age of 11 he was first in the shower/bath, now 16 extremely keen on bathing/grooming/washing.

he never brushed his teeth. We cut out a lot of sweet things, and he ate a lot of cheese. His teeth have never had any decay. Okay, extreme example but the tooth battle I never fought. He brushes his teeth now because he wants to.