AIBU to be considering sending dd to residential school?

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When ever I mention this to family I am made to feel guilty but dd is really hard work and my family offer no help or respite. I am a single parent to two children with ASD, dd2 is 12 and life is becoming harder for her and me. She started a specialist school last September and I thought things were going well, she seemed happier and more verbal but at home things have gone down hill. I am so worried about her future if her behaviour continues, I’m scared she will end up in prison or being seriously hurt. She has very little safety awareness, my home feels like a prison as I need to keep her safe. She steals anything that’s not nailed down, she will pinch money (even though she has no opertunity to spend it), she breaks everything, pinches food (will eat until sick), Runs water, empties everything from the bathroom into her room, she has taken things from shops when we are out shopping, I can no longer take her into shops unless I have a extra adult with me. She has taken things from school including food from other children. She lies to me when I ask her ‘have you taken anything?’ And will swear blind she hasn’t taken things even if the items in her hand.

I don’t get in imput from CAHM’s anymore, no help from anyone, no respite, no break from her, no social services imput. I feel alone, I have no idea how to discipline a child who does not understand consequences. I suspect she has PDA but this has not been diagnosed, he understanding isn’t great but she does have some and can follow basic rules at school.

She’s making life very hard for me and her sister, I have to have locks on every door, we are limited to where we go, can’t visit family as she takes things from their houses (food, other children’s toys and whatever she can sneak out), I feel like I’m living in a prison, as soon as I try giving her more access in the house she takes advantage and pinches things, making a mess along the way and lying about her actions.

AIBU to consider residential? I feel I am failing her and I have no idea how to stop her stealing, she needs imput from professionals but I have no idea how to get help or even if there is any help available.

hopefully someone will come along in a moment with more information
but the first question is Does she have an EHCP?

If she does, lawyers might be able to help you fight for a residential placement more suited to her needs. For example the suspected PDA, an up to date assessment of her "needs" might include diagnosing that.

Have you heard of SOSSEN or IPSEA...their websites might be useful to you at this stage for looking at the process of getting her funded for the right placement via the right EHCP. Councils tend to be unhelpful because they don't want to pay for the correct placement if they can get away with it, which is why they probably aren't making it easy for you to access help now, as it would provide evidence that her needs were not being met in present school.

Plenty of people send their children to boarding schools, children who do not have SENs, because they think they will thrive there, your daughter may also thrive in a different setting with regular guidelines/framework/specialist therapeutic input. hope someone comes along soon to help on this board.. And 12 is such a difficult contrary age at the best of times.

lying is also a developmental stage...all my teens seem to have gone through it..it is a way of asserting independence, and also to do of fear of consequences.

Impulsive behaviour does not usually change with consequences I've found, I suppose it is more likely to change if you redirect the impulses into something positive. The fiddling with things and playing with water and taking things also sounds like she needs a lot of sensory input and tasks to do, rather than just consequences after the fact. That's where the right residential school might help because they might give her a framework to do more tasks and be busy.

DS has ASD and he went to an autism residential school from age 11-18. It was really the best place for him, he has thrived there and he had access to expertise that simply wouldn't have been offered even in a local special school. It was a very expensive placement (over £100k a year ) and the council were unsurprisingly unwilling to fund it purely on parental request - we had to enlist lawyers and appeal at tribunal to secure the placement, as the pp suggested you might need to.

In many ways her disruptive behaviour may be ultimately helpful - DS displayed extremely challenging behaviour when he first went to residential, constantly excluded and eventually needed to be referred to a PRU etc. It's frustrating but it is the kind of behaviour that gets noticed, and means it's more likely that the council will need to take action so that will count in your favour.

Don't get too worried about what your family think. I'm sure my family didn't really approve of my decision but then I never sought their opinion - why would I, they have no knowledge of parenting a child with severe SN? Remember that you are the expert in your child's needs and are the one person best placed to know the right placement for her.

I think it will be possible to prove that her school isn’t meeting her needs, they are meeting her needs, her needs are not being met at home

I spent 2 years fighting to get her into the school she is now in, before she got the place she was in mainstream, she’s almost completed her first year in sn placement and has done really well (settled in well), it’s only been the last couple of months where these behaviours have got worse, they have always been there but have been less severe.

My mum called me earlier and a sobbed on the phone to her (actually I have been sobbing on and off all day) and I explained to her that if this continues I will consider residential placement, I think she now understands how desperate I am for help. There have been a few small changes at home which I a, trying to iron out, now I have my family on board they are trying to help me. I’m actually dreading her getting in from school, I thought having longer days (she leaves before 8am and gets back at 4.15pm) would time her out and make things easier for me, I feel bad that I can’t cope with those hours before she goes to bed.

She's probably incredibly tired when she comes home. And tired children usually behave worse not better, they become completely dysregulated as they cannot control their emotions, think tired toddler rampaging at bedtime, when they actually exhausted.

Her needs are not being met if she behaves badly out of school. Ds used to behave very well in school and then have a series of meltdowns when he got home because he was so frustrated a) by the change in routine b) overload c) expectations at home when he was used up emotionally (ie expectations to be polite, expectations to do homework, be nice to siblings) And anyway an EHCP covers health and social needs not just what happens in school, becuase those needs affect her education. So if she isn't safe at home because she keeps running off or is in danger of committing criminal damage stealing etc, that should be in her EHCP too, and affect her educational placement. Things like counselling and therapy and OT an d SALT should all be considered educational needs even if they are not happening in school. Ipsea will explain all this in more detail if you book a slot with them over the phone.