My son (w/ suspected ASD) is bad with animals

[BlurryFace]

...and it actually upsets me, pathetic as that makes me sound. DS2 is only 3, and as bad as the meltdowns are and as sad as it makes me that he and DS1 (who is only a year older) are unlikely to go to school together, this gets to me really bad right now.

DS2 treats animals like toys, or specimens to be prodded or manipulated - or licked. I have to watch him and Ddog like a hawk, and even so there are close calls - it takes seconds for clumsy but gentle stroking to get suspiciously close to her eyes. I know you should always supervise dogs and kids, but I feel like a secret service agent guarding the president. Ddog is a toy breed, so the potential for harm goes both ways.

My friend has recently adopted a mutt with what looks to me, very bull terrier characteristics - a far cry from Ddog. The kids haven't met it yet, but it made me think WTF do I do if DS2 tries his shit with that dog - or one like it at just the wrong moment? It worries me sick, TBH.

Does anyone have any advice? I tell him "that's not kind" and guide his hand to stroke nicely. If I get angry he laughs in my face. It sucks because Ddog just wants to chill in the same room as her "pack".

Sad to say this but I'd rehome your dog because there's no way you can guarantee its safety 24/7. Whilst your son will not intend harm, you already know he can cause it serious injury and pain, so please, do the decent thing.

As for other dogs and animals he'll encounter, how about "We never touch animals" would that work?

I don't feel rehoming my dog is an easy option to take as DS1 adores her, and she is a very good dog. I would never plan to get another dog, as they aren't usually as placid as her.

He's previously gotten quite good with her, but then we went on holiday and when we came back it's like he'd reset? So maybe there's a chance he'll flip back?

I don't know, I suppose "don't touch animals" could work one day...at the moment DS2 doesn't "get" stuff like that - he doesn't get "don't run away from me" or "don't try to throw yourself in the road" or any rules TBH.

Could you set up a safe space for the dog? So that when you can't keep an eye on them both, the dog can go there.
We have baby gates on our stairs so the dog can sit on the landing between the two floors if he's had enough or he has his crate. It's quite a good visual reminder that my ds is not allowed there.
My ds seems pretty uninterested in the dog most of the time but occasionally he gets a bit sensory seeking with him. Like you we just constantly remind him to be gentle and remove the dog from the situation if it gets too much. To be honest 3 was a very difficult age for us to explain things to ds, it has got much better since he turned 4.

Would it help if you had some absolute rules? Like “don’t touch the dog when he’s in his bed” or “only stroke dog when he comes up to you.” Draw your dog and assign “safe stroking places” eg shoulders and chest. Rewards for keeping to this. Otherwise I’d be tempted to use baby gates to keep them apart.