Is the teacher right? Are we making things up?

[grannynap]

Long post warning. Sorry
Iv posted on Mumsnet before about the issues we're having with DD.

A lot of things are point to her having some sort of specials needs or so we thought.

We've had family, friends & a doctor witness what she's like and these are the people that have pushed us into getting our DD into the CDC. I haven't been able to come to terms with this because the same amount of people that have told us there's something wrong have told us that she's "normal". Iv been constantly rearranging the appointment because someone puts doubts into my mind.
DD does have glue ear so I thought maybe everything is down to that, again questioning things.

Today was her parents evening and her teacher said she's absolutely perfect apart from lack of concentration and not responding straight away when spoken to, her interacting with other child had shown a lot of improvement recently. We got to the part of our concerns and I laid everything out.

DD doesn't speak to anyone other than me from leaving school until a few hours later when she's settled back into home life, she asks people to play but they have to do everything the way she says or she will have a meltdown, only plays with one type of toy if something new comes into house she's not interested unless she can use it as part of the toy she's interested in, she's never watched a full episode or movie as she can't concentrate or is constantly fidgeting, when I'm in conversation with someone she will constantly tap me repeatedly saying mum even if I have told her to wait her turn, if she doesn't get my full attention or her siblings try to interact with me she attacks them, when talking to us she will bull nudge and climb all over us, she has never been able to have a picture taken as she can't give full eye contact, she does a constant monotonous humming sound when playing or concentrating, not much contact from other family members as they don't know how to deal with her, before bed she wants to know what day it will be in the morning and what is happening and then first thing in the morning she will ask me what day it is and what's happening that day, she's been to her school best friends birthday parties and she's got there and acted like she doesn't know anyone there and plays by herself, old sisters friends (playtime helpers) are asking her why her sister is different to all the other kids.

That's just some of the stuff I can think of (there's more)

Anyways the teacher said she's fine at school so she's just controlling us all at home and got us wrapped around her little finger so there's nothing to worry about and the child development centre will see that on their visit to school.

Now we feel like we're making things up, delusion and failing as parents. I didn't expect her to agree with us but I didn't expect her to judge us.

Btw DD is 4.6
Is it possible to be different at school to home? We don't want to waste people time and will look into a getting help elsewhere if the teacher is right.

Yes, it's really normal to mask at school and not cope as well at home.

Girls especially are good at masking and being quiet and unobtrusive.

It's easier for the teacher so it's easier for her to deny problems or minimise them.

For some reason NT people seem to find it a burden to be told others aren't, I can't work that out, I can only think it's something about denial or not wanting the burden of having to give them special exceptions.

Ignore her and push on!

(P.s you might get more responses on SN children)

@grannynap Sorry, you've posted in the wrong place. This board is for adults who have SN.

You need to report your own post, then ask MNHQ to move your post to either SNChat www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_chat
or SNChildren www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs
where you will get much more help.

That teacher's a complete idiot, many kids are totally different at school.
It's called masking.
But you need to discuss this with parents of kids with SN on one of the boards above.

Thank you both for replying. I definitely feel better knowing that we're not going mad, we've been in a haze about it all week your responses have definitely helped us.

I will ask for my post to be moved I didn't realise I'd put it in the wrong place 🙈

So called professionals aren't always right, even though they think they are.

We had an uphill struggle to get people to take our concerns seriously.

We knew things weren't right from when DS was about 3. Even though it was recognised that there was speech and language delay, we always knew there was something else too and we suspected it was autism.

The nursery headteacher with over 20 years' experience and whose opinion I respected, didn't think he had autism. An experienced psychologist said he definitely wasn't autistic (on the basis of 1 hour's observation ) and an experienced primary school teacher said there was nothing wrong with him - he was just naughty/awkward/lazy.

It was nearly five years before anybody really listened, and that was only after a speech and language therapist had been working with him for several weeks, and started noticing the things we had noticed.

DS was finally diagnosed with ASD when he was nearly 8.

In your position I too would have huge concerns, and would be badgering everyone and everybody to listen, starting with your GP and the SENCo.

And yes it is absolutely possible to be different at school from at home. We used to go to parents' evenings and wonder if they were talking about the same child.

Good luck OP. You know you are right and if you don't fight for your daughter, no one else will.

Ask your GP to refer her to the paediatrician for a full neurodevelopmental assessment.

It took 2 years for nhs to diagnose my middle ds with asd. Even his speech therapist who did intensive therapy with him for anger was on the fence. His school behaviour was explosive which did help push diagnosis. But he's not your usual asd child. He's warm, affectionate, makes eye contact, loves 1:1 attention of adults. But then start sticking him in a social group of peers he starts to fall apart. Make demands on him at school - he falls apart. His anxiety goes through the roof in new situations. Do what your gut says

I'd be tempted to ask the teacher if she feels able to judge perfectly what the situation at home is if you are allowed to do the same re school.

Probably far more productive to print off some information on masking and hand it to her.

When I was struggling to work out if I was being neurotic to think DS had ASD (he was diagnosed in December), a friend of mine said something really helpful.
She is an epidemiologist, looking at disabilities. She said it is very difficult to know if children have developmental disorders like ASD, but in her experience, the most effective way to find out, for the purpose of whether to include the children in research, surveys etc, is just to ask their mother.
If you can see it, you're almost certainly right.

I think a lot of 4.6 year olds in Reception, after a long day at school might have difficulties interacting with others at home. They just want to be left alone or have undivided attention from an adult.

Watching a full episode or movie is not necessarily that easy for children of that age, unless they are sitting next to an adult and getting some sort of proprioceptive feedback (my kids like to be either squashed up together on the sofa or really comfortably buried under cushions etc) It is the same with listening to a story and trying to sit still then.

Glue ear might count for a lot. I have a NT daughter with some sensory issues (that I can see as a parent) but she has never had any label or help, and she is doing really well, and has lots of friends. Her twin brother has ASD/HFA, and he would fall way out of the range of what you describe, far far less concentration, far less ability to cope with anyone after school, far more focus when he gets home in fact due to nice quiet atmosphere. Dd was much much more "needy" at that age and I think she really missed me at school, whereas ds liked the structure there for a short time but then couldn't cope at all.

I would wait and see and give her the benefit of being a Reception child, lots of patience lots of attention and lots of downtime. You could also read the Out of Synch Child which has lots of good suggestions which benefit most children NT or otherwise.

I think we ask too much of our 4 year olds, to be well behaved at school and THEN lovely at home too. It is a LONG day.

My kids are 16 btw.

And controlling behaviour is not really that, it is anxiety, and separation makes a child wants reassurance and attention. Why would that be controlling?

Routines help a lot and lowering demands. Whether NT or ASD. After school always the same things, and very little happening besides a quick play in the park and then home. Lots of warning before social events and large parties, just no. (I don't know why parents think Reception age children benefit from enormous parties)

If parents of kids like ours had a quid for every time a teacher said their dc were fine in school we'd all be millionaires. Teachers miss a lot of things. Teachers are not trained to spot other things. Parents know their child best.

My DS is perfect at school other than some anxiety but home is very challenging. We eventually paid for a private assessment as we just didnt know what was going on. He scored moderate to severe on his ADOS. He just masks very very well at school.

I would say pursue an assessment. Lots of people said to me “he’s just a bit young” and that certain behaviours were “normal”. Trouble is, it’s when there’s lots of unusual behaviour. Your a mum. Follow your instincts.

Thanks all for the very helpful replies!

I've been waiting for the cdc assessment before replying.

DD had a 1.5 hour appointment and in that time they've come to the conclusion that she's possibly got global development day (around 2-3 years) and autism BUT we cannot get an official diagnosis until she's had her grommets fitted to see if that helps at all which is very understandable. The psychiatrists etc that work there are absolutely amazing at what they do, from such a short amount of time they were on the same level as us and have put in place a lot of steps for the future which I know will help us all especially DD massively.

DH dropped dd into school today and he was apologised to as they received an email with the outcome from cdc. she said that it's hard for them to keep 100% attention on all the children, which again is understandable.
She also pointed out that last week when they went out of school with the children for the first time they noticed that DD is a completely different child and the obsession with the toys that she has at home was all she spoke about until they got back to school and basically ignored everything on the trip that happened

We feel so much relief especially since the teacher is now starting to understand and we're getting the help that's very well needed. It's so hard not having any support.

You must be so relieved to have what you’ve known to be the case validated. If you haven’t already, apply for an EHCP assessment so that she can get the help at school she needs.