Should I be concerned?

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My youngest son is 3 next week. I'm concerned about his speech and interaction with others. He will happily jabber away all day at home. At nursery, he won't speak if others are watching. Since recently potty training, they've told me he won't go to the toilet when taken. He says he needs but then doesn't go. When I get there he does a huge wee. He can be a picky eater at home, but he never eats at nursery (He gets lunch provided). To the point where they were concerned about what he ate. Of course, he comes home and wolfs down food.

When we're out and about, he's shy. He won't talk to other kids, grown ups etc. Even when I'm with him. Even when we visit relatives (He stays with SIL or my parents for a few hours while I'm in work) he is much quieter than at home. His latest one is he won't speak if BIL is around.

He is generally a quiet and shy child, especially compared with my eldest who's 5. He didn't speak properly until after his second birthday and even now his speech isn't as clear as his peers or his brother at this age. He has grown up largely being at home as I work part time. Since September he has been going to nursery for 2.5 hours to help him interact with others his own age.

He is due to go to nursery at the school my eldest attends in September and I'm really worried about how he will manage at school with all of this. Apparently, my dad was very similar as a child and I am quite shy and anxious still, although I have done my best to avoid letting this hold me and my kids back. My eldest is very out going.

He spends a lot of time already around friends and family, with me and OH there as well as without. Even when I am there, if he is in a different environment he will totally change. He won't leave my side or point instead of speaking etc.

We do go out and do a lot of activities already like soft play etc. In all honesty, between my work (I work evenings), nursery and the school run, it's not always ideal, but I do focus on going out and doing sociable things on my days off with him.

My DD was slow to socialise around this age (she may be autistic - we are doing assessments now - she is nearly 4 and doing brilliantly, very happy, so don't panic if this turns out to be the direction you go!)

What we found helpful was breaking it down into tiny pieces, starting with where she felt most comfortable, and building up from there, giving lots of praise if she did something new/outside her comfort zone. So e.g. in the playground if she was interested in another child I'd talk to her about what she could say. E.g. to begin with I might say "Can you ask him his name?" and then if it didn't work I might model by saying "What's your name?" to show her how it was done. Then if she managed to ask anything (or answer any question from the other child - or basically do any interaction!) I'd give her lots of praise, tell her Dad about it when he got home, really big it up basically. We would also do some play acting at home with soft toys (e.g. put a soft toy in her chair before meal times ... "oh look, what's teddy doing in your chair? Why don't you ask him? Can you ask him to move so you can eat your tea?". We never pushed it too hard: just encouraged but then if she didn't want to do it that was fine (but if she DID do it loads and loads of praise).

To begin with she was more comfortable talking to adults, but by breaking it down we did get to more and more sociable play. Last weekend we were at the playground and an older girl was organising a hide and seek/tag kind of a game and DD actually managed to join in (not all the time, not as much as the other children, but she really enjoyed it and she wouldn't have joined in at all a year ago so it's all good!)

Her pre-school did similar things with her. They called it "scaffolding". Just encouraging her to interact with her peers in achievable and supported ways. E.g. if she and another child were both playing at the same table saying "oh look, you've both got green pens" or "oh look, you've got a cow and X has got a pig, I wonder if they will talk to each other?" - just any kind of prompt that would encourage a bit of interaction. Now she will e.g. do jigsaws with another child - ask them to pass a piece or pass a piece they need to them. But it was all done through baby steps.

A lot can change by the time he is actually at school - especially if he has a year of nursery before then.