Partner struggling with autistic son

[Hereshopingforimprovement]

I am really not sure what to do about this. Our toddler son absolutely adores his father who is great with him when he is being 'good'. He really struggles with him when he isn't though. He talks to our son like he is crap and I hate it. He loses his temper and talks to me like crap too but I can take it. He doesn't realise that him getting upset and talking aggressively or raising his voice to him just makes the situation worse. I don't even think he understands how awful it is.

I know he is struggling to cope, God knows he's not the only one but I can't let this go on. I have talked to him about it before but to no avail, he just shuts down. I know our son can be frustrating at times but he calls him a pain in the ass and a little mink when he puts his hands in his nappy. I have tried to explain sensory issues and the fact that he doesn't understand like a normal 3 year old but still this continues. I then get shouted at (although he always claims he isn't shouting) for being too soft when I try to comfort him. I'm devastated by the whole situation. I know he loves our son and I know he is frustrated but what do I do? I've tried to get him to do reading on autism but he won't. He has said he will go on the cygnet course but I have no idea how long we will be waiting for that.

It can take some parents longer than others to learn how to stay calm and do what the child needs. But also, it's ok to work to each other's strengths as parents, here I tend to do the emotional/learning type stuff and dp does supporting interests, play and going out and about more. Perhaps start by agreeing with dp that he will step back when he feels his temper or frustration rising. Tag teaming can work well. We can't all be good at everything but we need to be honest if we are struggling.

I think this can often happen because the main carer reaches a level of acceptance and expertise much quicker than the other parent. As the main carer you are constantly monitoring, learning and putting new found skills into practice, which makes you feel much more in control and therefore calm. In our case, ds can work dp into a apoplectic state in seconds, whereas I have learnt to ride the storm.

Thanks for the non judgemental comments. That's why I posted on the SN board rather than the main boards as I think it's really difficult to understand how hard it is unless you have actually been there. I feared I was going to get everyone telling me to ltb! I am going to have a chat to him tonight. I think he is still having trouble properly accepting it and the fact that he has no real understanding of autism doesn't help.

I have huge sympathy with all of you. I know my DH has more patience with ASD DS than me and I shout more than I should and hate it. But then he loses his cool too and we have just tried to get to a place where we can acknowledge this is bloody hard but can point out when the other is being unreasonable or losing it. We have also agreed it's ok to say 'i can't do this - please take over' to each other. It's not great but it gets us through.

What about videos on autism? Some might be helpful for getting an insight, if he won't read books.

I'm slightly less sympathetic than the others. I get cross if I see dh losing his cool because its neither fair nor efficient.

Getting The Explosive Child on audiobook really helped my DH because he could listen to it in his own time in the car.

He will rarely read anything I print out / give to him - he has to come to it in his own time (which can be very frustrating at times)

Can you get one of the professionals involved with your son to have a word with your DH? Could your DH attend the next OT appointment with you?

Have you done the MChat-R test online, have a look at it yourself first, then have a think if you sat down with your DH and you both filled it in honestly and it showed your son could benefit from further investigations, whether he would accept that a bit more.
Doing that test may also help you to see how your DH perceives or even notices your son's behaviour. Obviously scrap that idea if it's likely to cause more conflict between you.