School anxiety/refusal? At wit's end.

[CaffeineAndCrochet]

Since Christmas, DD (who has ASD and just turned 7) is very reluctant to go to school. We moved house just before Christmas but I genuinely don't think that's what bothering her. She seems happy here and excited about the house.

She had quite an unsettled January in school - she was ill a couple of times and twice, she vomited in school and had to come home early. Neither of those times were because of a bug - she ate normally for the rest of the day and wasn't sick again.

In the mornings, the 'I don't want to go to school' starts almost from the moment she wakes up. Getting her dressed and ready for school is a struggle and we're late pretty much every morning. Yet often, as soon as we're out the door, she brightens up and is happy to walk to school. It feels like it's the getting ready bit that stresses her out. Her school reports are mostly good and while she had the occasional bad day, I'm most often told that she was in good form. She's in an ASD unit.

We walk to school but up until last week, she got the school bus back to her grandparents, who look after her after school. After a couple of refusals to go on the bus and a particularly bad meltdown last week, I decided to take her off it for now as I thought it was adding extra stress that she didn't need.

I'm lost. I think there's something happening in school that's upsetting her and I've asked the teachers to keep an eye on her but am no wiser. She's not able to tell me herself if there's anything upsetting her. She's verbal but only really reports facts, and limited facts at that. Expressing worries or emotions is still beyond her.

For the most part, she enjoys school when she's there and the actual journey to school is ok. But the refusal and stress in the morning is really impacting on us. I'm frustrated with her in the mornings and when I only see her before school and before bed during the week, it seems like half my time with her is spent fighting with her.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone experienced a child acting up like this and figure out the cause? I'll take any ideas or experience on board. I need to get to the bottom of what's upsetting her, whether it sounds like school or something else. Maybe the new house is the cause or maybe it's something I haven't even considered.

I can sympathise.

My dd is 13 and we’re 2 weeks into a new mainstream school following increasing unhappiness leading to school anxiety/refusal in Jan/Feb. As a result, she is has been referred for ASD assessment.

The bus thing sounds like some kind of sensory overload, whether it’s the noise/motion/smell/lighting of the bus is the final straw after feeling overwhelmed during the school day. Does your dd have somewhere quiet she can go during school if it’s too much or a way of letting staff know that it’s getting a bit much?

You could be right about the getting ready being stressful. Where a neurotypical person can make lots of simultaneous small decisions on auto pilot; the whole having to think about what to do next, one thing at a time, in sequence can provoke anxiety.

What about breaking down her morning routine to small chunks , write down the steps then find pictures which illustrate the steps so she has a visual aid to take some of the thinking away. Try and keep to routine; perhaps build extra time in ( I know that my dd needs more time than getting ready time to decompress a bit by listening to music).

Try and stay calm ( easier said than done I know). Anxiety tends to be at the heart of school refusal and muttering about mummy getting into trouble doesn’t help that. Above all, talk to the school; schools would rather a child attended even if missing some aspects through anxiety.

I know the knot-in-stomach feeling as soon as you wake wondering if you’ll get them in/how difficult will it be and feeling wrung out by 9am!

Thank you!

That was my thinking on the bus. That if she's had a tough day at school, it was just too much for her to cope with.

They do have a 'quiet room' in school but I don't know how good the staff are at directing her there before she's at the point of meltdown, and I don't think she's at the point yet where she can recognise when she needs a break. They are working on that with her though.

Have been thinking something similar about the morning. If I could make it interactive in some way (stickers, moving pictures, tick marks) I think she might engage with it.

Staying calm is probably the biggest challenge for me at the moment, and I suppose I'm also worried that's feeding into the problem. If it is, then I imagine it will take months of me being calm to reset the patterns between us.

Oh gosh, she sounds so similar to my DD, bless her. Our little girl is almost 7, still undergoing assessment.

Usually, I think something particular can trigger it or perhaps just a build up of things. Often takes a while to get to the bottom. May be house move a little, or any changes at school? With the bus, if like my DD, anything that has occurred and unsettled her during her journey may have triggered it off. Could be a person, sounds etc.

You hit the nail on the head with the getting ready being the hardest part! This seemed to be a pretty common experience with parents on a recent ASD course I attended. So exhausting and stressful all round! We have to allow lots of time, be as calm as possible, be flexible - perhaps let her get dressed downstairs while distracted by tv, brush teeth downstairs, take cuddly toy to school when extremely anxious etc. Tiredness also really affects her!

Also, we used pictures of the steps to get ready and she’d stick them in various places around house when a particular step was completed. This was during a very difficult period. It did really help initially, but felt like the novelty soon wore off for her.

Def 100% worth a try though

Ds2 (6) threw this at me couple of wks ago when he'd always been fine. Ended up getting him dressed while he stayed in bed then carrying him to the car where he ate toast.

Usually we have tick charts that he ticks of getting dressed, brushing teeth etc then he had 20mins of ipad before going out the door but didn't work.

Turns out it was massive anxiety that school were doing visits to other schools as part of an integration programme. Head teacher had to come and talk him out of the car when we got to school for a week.

As soon as these visit's were over the stomach aches and refusal stopped

Thank you, both. We're just back from a weekend away with the ILs. She had two particularly bad meltdowns on Saturday - one because the snow made her hands cold but she couldn't bring herself to come back into the house, and the other when she had to make a decision between a few options at a prize stall. Decision-making seems to be particularly tough for her at the moment.

She seems happy and relieved to be home again. It makes me wonder about the house move - the previous time her and I moved house, it was out of my parents and in with my DP, but she still went to my parents every day after school. This time, we've all gone from one house to another but she hasn't been back to our old rented house at all. Maybe it's thrown her more than I realised.

@Blossom Any time we've tried charts before, the novelty hasn't lasted longer than a couple of weeks. But even if it gave us a few weeks of breathing space, it would be worth it. Give us time to break the habits of frustration in the morning.

Poor little pet, @All. It must have been such a relief to find out what was bothering him. It's so, so hard when they can't tell you what they're worried about.

Yes, definitely! Good to find ways to break the habits/cycle!

Think we may be in for a bad one tomorrow. Anxious as she just found out today that she has a different teacher. This news made her feel physically sick and anxious! She said she’s not going to school tomorrow! Also has an important medical appointment! 😬

At least you're prepared for it now, although I'm not sure how much comfort that will bring in the morning. Wishing you the best for it