ADHD diagnosis: who do you tell and how?

[christmastreewithhairyfairy]

Yesterday DD1 age 7 got her long-awaited dx of ADHD (plus some other bits thrown in for good measure... some ODD, anxiety etc, but ADHD the main one).

I'd really like to talk to people about it, but at a bit of a loss of how to do it, and also whether we should be limiting who we tell at this stage.

First up, DD2 age 4. She knows DD1 has been having medical appointments, and DD1 has been mentioning ADHD, but how can we explain it in a way DD2 understands?

Next, our parents. We have kept them updated about appointments etc but they have all been funny about us getting a dx because they are all concerned we are going to "drug" her . We are neither pro or anti medication and we haven't even got to that stage yet but we would certainly consider it if paed recommends it down the line. My parents are just very ignorant about anything MH related especially medication, but MIL is a psych professional so should know better! Somehow she's a lot more emotive about it when it's her own DGC.

Has anyone had to deal with convos like this re ADHD? Are any books particularly good at dispelling the myths especially around meds?

Then, extended family and friends. I'd be interested to know, for those who have had a dx for their DC or themselves, did you tell many people? Were they understanding/helpful?

Also, other parents. DD1 has already said she wants to talk to her friends about it, and I don't think that's a bad idea. I do worry though that some of the more ignorant parents might hold it against her and tell their DCs to steer clear of her . Has anyone had this kind of situation happen and how did you deal with it?

Ds is autistic but similar issues with telling I suppose. He really liked the book 'All cats have Asperger syndrome' and there's an 'All dogs have ADHD' version which might work for both your girls.

We and ds have been completely open about it all since he was diagnosed at 6, he's nearly 15 now and I think it was absolutely the right call. We need our kids (those who can) to be able to self-advocate and learning to say 'I am/I've got XXX and I need help' is very important.

Thank you snails. That's good to know - I feel like being open is the way to go too.

The doctor actually gave DD the all dogs have adhd book to read in the appointment...after he had spent long enough with her to be sure that the diagnosis was correct. She liked it and it might be good for DD2 too. I didn't know there was a cats version!

Are there any books for parents/carers you can recommend? Ideally simple as I know my parents won't read anything long, but they really do need to be told the facts by someone other than me as they don't listen to me

I don't know much about adhd resources. I do really like the How to ADHD YouTube channel and her TED talk is amazing.

Thank you! I hadn't heard of that channel - just watched her TED talk and got a bit teary.

Anyone else know any good books on ADHD?

Hello, sorry I don’t have any books so equally interested but do like the how to on u tube and dd thinks she is cool. She also thinks it’s cool people like Wi Am and RIchard Branson have ADHD.
I hear you about parents- apart from my dad no other parent wants to hear it. It’s like even now I have a dx I’m making it up. It’s hard to know what to advise as every one is different. I tried to educate but got so much ‘she will grow out of it’ and ‘ so and so does that’ so for me I have chosen not to talk about it in front of my mum and step dad anymore and equally I think there is a time they can’t have my children over night or anything due to the ADHD I just make an excuse. I suppose it’s made for a superficial relationship - I have had so many medical appointments and so emotional and no support but I give up trying.
Friends do not overly understand either and some have tried others similar to my Mum.

Dd knows and isn’t ashamed to say to anyone she has it as just feels it makes her the person she is as she has so many of the positive aspects of ADHD which should t be forgotten too.

Sorry I have rambled on!!

Hi waiting thanks so much for your post. I recognise your username - think you may have advised me on another thread!

It's so frustrating isn't it - the "oh my dc does that all the time" as if that means ADHD doesn't exist and we decided to go through months/years of assessments etc for the hell of it

I told my DM yesterday, she was ok with it but did annoy me once by saying that "well dd is functioning isn't she", a very common thing she does which basically means "well I hear you, but don't make TOO much of a fuss about this". Sounds similar to your DM - I may just not have to discuss it with her. Going to attempt to make my parents read the Christopher Green book, see if that helps.

DD is quite proud of her new dx, in fact it seems like she told the entire school yesterday. She does love a bit of drama. I'm not sure she has quite understood yet though.

How old is your DD out of interest?

Well done for getting a dx! We found that things were easier once we had a formal dx and we could start moving forwards. It's never nice to be told that your little one has an issue but our view has always been that if you know what the problem is then you can deal with it better. We have taken this attitude in telling others too - if they know what's happening with DS then they can adjust accordingly. I've found that most people are very understanding and to be honest if they are not then I think it's a brilliant opportunity for me to educate them!

Our other kids were always aware that we were going for appointments etc and we were always open about what we thought DS had - he has severe very classic ADHD though so you could really spot it a mile off! Once we got the formal dx we told the other kids that same day and explained to them what ADHD was and what their role in helping their brother was. We got them the 'All dogs have ADHD' book also. Likewise our parents were aware what was happening so it was no big surprise. They have had questions etc and I've directed them to the TED talks for information.

Our DS has been very open about his ADHD in school and all his friends were told pretty quickly. We encouraged this as his ADHD is not something to be ashamed of, it's who he is. I haven't made a point of specifically telling all the parents of his friends but the main ones were aware. It doesn't seem to have made any difference to their relationships. The school recently organised an ADHD afternoon for his class where they talked about what ADHD is and what they can all do to make things easier for my DS. Full marks for the school on this :-)

We told everybody - after all, its only a label, a shorthand for behaviour they have seen for years!

For instance, DD had her own keys as a teenager. I can't count how many times I got phone calls from her, because she had locked herself out, having either lost or forgotten her key, when I was out shopping or working an 1.5 hours away! Numerous times, the neighbours had to take her in, until I could get home - in the end, I gave copies of our keys to 3 sets of neighbours!

Or, when I would arrange a Tesco delivery, having checked she would be in - only to get a phone call from her to say she had left her phone charger or whatever somewhere, she had gone back to get it and could not get back in time for the Tesco delivery; so could I cancel it? Again, I would have to ring a neighbour to ask them if they could take it in; and then Tescos to ask them on this special occasion, if they could deliver it to a neighbour.....

The neighbours must have been wondering how anybody could be so forgetful, and not learn from their mistakes; so telling them she had ADD at least explained why!

(As for her friends' parents, one of her circle of school friends was open about HFA and another had depression and an eating disorder, so I doubt any of them would have thought anything of ADD!)

The school recently organised an ADHD afternoon for his class where they talked about what ADHD is and what they can all do to make things easier for my DS. Full marks for the school on this :-)
Wow! That is awesome. I can't imagine DD's school doing that but it's a good idea - I may ask if they would do a short session one day.

I've found that most people are very understanding and to be honest if they are not then I think it's a brilliant opportunity for me to educate them!
Great to hear that most people are understanding. Sounds like you are better than me at dealing with those that are not - I tend to be over sensitive and my hackles go up when anyone tries to talk about adhd not being real etc.

They have had questions etc and I've directed them to the TED talks for information.
Which TED talks are good? The How to one I liked, any more?

We told everybody - after all, its only a label, a shorthand for behaviour they have seen for years!
True, though it sounds like your dd was diagnosed much later than ours. Most adults haven't seen too much of her behaviour as it only really impacts us, her teachers and friends. Good to know that people didn't really bat an eyelid when you told them.

Yes, DD2 was an adult when diagnosed, but the problems really started to appear on the move to secondary school! I was raising concerns about her with her teachers from age 12 - and even got two independent assessments, which outlined her problems with processing, comprehension, planning and organisation! (She clearly could appear to pay attention in a quiet 1:1 assessment, although still could not comprehend the language). The school took no notice of anything I said or the professional recommendations! She only achieved because she and I spent 3x as long on her homework as her friends! However, massive effects on her self esteem!

Trouble is I knew lots of boys with ADHD, due to DD1 being in special provision of 9 boys to 1 girl; but never saw a girl with ADD, especially one who could fake attention!

Just butting in to nosey if you don't mind! My DS has recently been diagnosed ADHD I often feel like my family and friends think it's a made up thing - like he's just naughty and I can't deal with him even though i think it's obvious his behaviour isn't just 'naughty' it's bloody dangerous anyway, sorry ranted there a bit, His behaviour has caused a lot of tension with his 8yr old brother (who he attacks & picks on daily) and I struggle to make sense of all the info - I will also try dogs have ADHD and the utube channel.

Thanks Hairyfairy and good luck with your child - here's to more understanding all round!!

My inlaws were anti meds as they just kept saying ds was just like his dad at that age , he's just a boy blah blah.

It wasn't until ds started taking stims they realised what a different child he could be - polite, thoughtful, well mannered, sitting stil for 5 minutes. They were amazed and did a complete u turn in their attitude to ds having adhd

Yes, its funny how DH's family laugh about how he literally wore the carpet about, because he never stopped pacing about! Most adult's idea of a break is to sit down with a cup of tea. DH's idea of a break is to pace around the house! He only sits down to eat, when he needs to use a knife and fork and even then, he is up as soon as he has finished - no waiting for everyone else to finish for him! He eats his breakfast, a bowl of cereal pacing around the house!

He says he knows exactly how DD's mind works, because he was the same and it has taken him 40 years to learn things like organisation, and how to concentrate - because his mind is very scatty. He said at her age, given an essay question to write at university, his mind used to feel literally like it was exploding with ideas. However, he could only read one text book per module, because of his comprehension problems with reading - and he learnt mainly through looking at diagrams. He passed his time at university, looking at magazines on train spotting in the library, while his friends did their uni work!

Even as an adult, it is exhausting to live with!

wore the carpet out, not about...

We found ‘ADHD living without breaks’ by Martin L Kutscher to be a really good book, it’s very easy to read and ideal to pass on to relatives who may not understand/agree!

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and your stories! It's always comforting to know others who have been through similar, though of course I wouldn't wish this stress on anyone.

Gordon please rant away, it's what mn is for . We have to let off steam here or we'd go mad. But yes exactly, some people think it's made up, and the bloody media doesn't help. My parents think pretty much all MH conditions are made up, including depression (which is why I have never told them about mine!).

Allthewaves great to have a success story re meds. We will try the behavioural things that doc has suggested first, but in my heart I feel that her brain chemistry means she will not be able to tackle them without meds.

And of course it doesn't help that DH and I clearly have the same bloody tendancies! DH sounds similar to yours checklist, he never bloody sits still. I only the other hand totally lack the hyperactive part but cannot keep my attention on anything "boring" for more than a minute or two. I am meant to be working now, for example

Thanks Rabbity I will check out that book. The more info the merrier!