Does my son have SN or am I just a bad parent?

[cookiewuk]

I will start by apologising in case this is a ramble but I am so upset and in need of advice.
My son is 12 and we have always struggled with aspects of his behaviour. I always thought he was normal and I was just a bad parent and that is why things were difficult.
Recently though, my mum and his dad (my ex) have been saying that there must be something else and I should have him tested. His dad was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago and thinks DS is the same.
They do share a lot of the same personality traits despite having spent very little time together over the years.
Where do I start though? How would I compile a list of symptoms, if that is even the right word? What if the GP just laughs at me and tells me I’m the problem?
I will try to list some of the issues below and if anyone recognises these from their own children and could help me understand, that would be great.

Couldn’t tie shoe laces until 10 yr old
Can’t tell the time properly
Struggles to follow simple instructions and won’t even remember being asked to do more than one thing at a time
Says he has memory problems, doesn’t remember having conversations or saying he will do things
Gets angry when asked to help with anything
Has meltdowns when he can’t get his own way, very self centred, thinks we are awful
Struggles with loud noises and busy places, often had meltdowns in these situations
Has difficulty getting to sleep
Has a limited amount of food he will eat
Has made a habit of avoiding things by going to the toilet. He squats and forces poo out with bits of tissue, it’s always diarrhoea like with mucus. Hospital cannot find a reason for him needing to go like this, up to 10 times a day, so that is why I think it is a psychological thing or habit.
Struggles to form positive relationships with his peers. He does have a couple of good friends but gets into arguments with other children all the time.
He blames everything on everyone else, nothing is ever his fault

I’m sure there are more but I’m to upset to think clearly at the moment.
Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

It could be that you're a crap parent, but with the pattern of things you describe plus his dad having an ADHD diagnosis, I think a request for assessment would be sensible. Write everything down and go see your GP. If school could write down their concerns it would help. Good luck.

Is school seeing the same issues?

Thank you for the replies. He is home educated as he couldn’t cope with school and was having meltdowns everyday.

Yes, as a mum of a DS with sensory processing difficulties, I would definitely get him assessed asap. We've always have our DS assessed on a regular basis by an ed psych so that he has access to any support he requires, especially at school. It will also assess any behavioural issues, from which you and your DS can learn and develop coping mechanisms. Sounds from some of his behaviour, he is quite stressed in trying to cope with everyday life pressures with friends, school and home.

No, you are not a bad parent because you have recognised that your DS may have issues and can now put the process in place to get the support he may need. If you are a lone parent and have coped with all his issues on your own, you have done very well.
If you can afford it, I would get him assessed privately and with an ed psych who will be able to assess him until the end of his schooling.
Please don't get despondent, as soon as he has a diagnosis you will be able to move forward and improve life for the both of you.
How is he doing academically? My DS, despite his difficulties, is doing A levels and has offers from all his university choices.

Just realised that whilst I've been writing my reply, you mentioned that he is homeschooled. Has school never mentioned that he might need an ed psych assessment?
If not, then you have been very let down.
Have you had any support for him this far?

Thank you Expat, that is very helpful and reassuring.
His school labelled him as disruptive and just had someone drag him off me each morning to get him to go in. Staff members even called him a baby or said he was naughty for being upset. I took him out 4 years ago and it helped but obviously not to the extent that I hoped for.
He is definitely stressed with the challenges of daily life but I am constantly told by family that he is just being defiant and I need to be stricter with him.
I just want to understand him so that I can help him deal with things that are difficult for him.
Academically, he is struggling. His brain just does not appear to be wired in such a way as to understand grammar and a lot of mathematical concepts. He is however very practical and is excelling in physical activities and creative work such as wood carving.
I will make an appointment to see our GP this week. I have spoken to DS about the possibility of a diagnosis and he is concerned that it will hold him back and he will be unable to get a decent job. Hopefully that will not be the case.

Awwh I feel for both of you. And I have been there. Luckily for us, my DS Y3 teacher sussed that there was an issue within a couple of weeks of teaching him. He has had regular ed psych reports ever since. It means that he has had learning support throughout his schooling and he is now in Y13.
There is no reason why your DS could not return to regular schooling once he has had an assessment.
When you say his brain does not seem to be wired properly, it sounds like he has sequencing issues. It means that he has all the information but can't put it in the right order. That does not mean that he does not have the intellect or intelligence. What it does mean is, that he has all the knowledge but his brain is struggling to put it in the right order, which can be hugely frustrating for these children.It is this frustration which develops into anger and meltdowns.There are exercises you can do with him to improve sequencing. Speech therapists often advise and help with these issues. There might be information online on how to help him with this.
The trouble is that in this country (assume you're in UK) too many children slip through the net because they are not quite weak enough to get statemented, which in turn means they do not get the support they really need.
Please reassure your DS that an assessment will only work in his favour. It will help him to get the support he needs and when he does exams, he will get support and extra time, even at university level.

Keep up the sport to help him with the frustration. My DS plays rugby and it certainly helps.

Before our son was diagnosed with ASD, he was labelled too. Naughty, awkward, lazy, etc. Once he got his diagnosis, he got more support and understanding.

As a child he showed quite a lot of the behaviours you describe in your son. As an adult he still struggles to remember things, has difficulties understanding complex information, finds processing instructions and making decisions problematic, and has sensory issues round loud noise and busy places.

Your son's school sounds appalling. Although with his sensory issues, the school environment itself could have been part of the problem if it was a big noisy school with a lot of children.

And yes I think you should approach your GP to ask for assessment. It is useful to make notes beforehand so you have something to refer to, and to make sure you give them the whole picture.

I have DD1 with sequencing problems, sensory processing disorder and memory problems, while DD2 has ADD.

I suggest you ask:

1. The GP for a referral to CAMHS or whoever diagnoses ADHD in your area
2. An educational psychologist for an assessment including memory, preferably an independent one, but if not, the LA one
3. Your local OT department for an assessment (to look at sensory processing)

ADHD is an executive function disorder, and they can struggle with planning and organisation, and that includes their thinking in academic work! They are also likely to overreact emotionally. ADHD can be comorbid with many other disorders including speech and language, dyspraxia, ASD, dyslexia, OCD, etc. Ditto sensory processing disorder - and that list includes anxiety.

Your responses have made me feel a lot more relaxed about everything. It’s good to hear that there is help available and DS hopefully won’t have to struggle through life for much longer!
When I see the GP will DS need to be present or can I make an appointment in his name and go on my own to discuss things initially?

You can go on your own and have a chat. Mum and I went to the GP to talk about my dad.