Not sure what to think about DD's behaviour. ASD/HFA?

[OhWhatAPalaver]

We are waiting for a paediatric referral to come through at the moment as I've spoken to the gp and explained I don't think my 6yo DD's behaviour is "normal".
I've written a rather long list of things that really concern me about her but I'll just outline a few things here. The problem is her step dad (my partner) thinks I'm barking up the wrong tree and I'd like to hear from others who have experienced this to put my mind at ease that I'm not getting her assessed for no reason.
She is very aggressive and strong, yet doesn't know her strength or how to apply it practically. She regularly hit, kicks, pinches and scratches in response to utterly nonsensical things to get annoyed about. Eg. Her sister crying 'too loudly' or too suddenly (she is terrified of certain loud noises) or not bring allowed to play with nail clippers(!!) She's even hit a girl at school because the girl wanted to go on the grass, which they aren't supposed to do. The girl hit her as well but we don't know who hit first.
She is so well behaved during lessons and is very bright but I think she struggles with social understanding as playground games often stress her out. If she has had a hard day at school she will explode once outside of the school gates and shout/scream/hit etc etc at me. Her aggression is usually towards me or her dad or step mum or (less often) step dad. I don't think she would intentionally hurt her sister but she has done accidentally a few times. She has said she 'only hit grown ups' to me before.
She is highly emotional, often sad because she misses people, handles any change really badly. She changed school in October and her behaviour has been so much worse since then. She is really not a happy child a lot of the time. She often says 'I'm angry' 'you're making me angry' 'i'm sad' etc. It breaks my heart as she has always needed a huge amount of patience from me, I have to explain things to her in great detail, schedules, what's happening and when, she constantly questions life, the universe and everything! And I feel like like since having her sister (she's 19 months) I just haven't had the same patience or amount of time to spend with her reassuring her and talking her through things.

She often repeats things, words, phrases, etc several times a day. She tells me she loves me at least once an hour a lot of the time, which is very sweet but she sounds like she's doing it out of habit or for reassurance, she wants my reply of "I love you too".
She had no idea about personal space or boundaries but hates it if a school friend plays with her too much or "follows her around". She doesn't seem to like the idea of a best friend but at the same time wants friends!
She also has a very dark sense of humour and can be morbid, but this could come from her step brother who is 9 and is also suspected Aspergers. We see a lot of similarities between the two of them.
Anyway, I could go on but I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

So sensory issues, social problems, unable to cope with change, behaving well at school and meltdowns at home, no idea of personal space, and needs a lot of reassurance. I'd say you have plenty of reasons to have her assessed.

She sounds a lot like my son as a child. He was diagnosed with ASD when he was nearly 8.

Why did DD change school?

It sounds like you could well be right. At her old school she might have understood the "unwritten rules" and doesn't at the new school. It could also be that they don't get her either.
The hitting the girl for walking on the grass sounds very distinctive - she gets the rule "mustn't walk on the grass" and is far more anxious about that one than the less talked about "mustn't hit people".
The repeating things sounds like echolalia.
Is her step brother being assessed? Does your new partner think she can't be because: she isn't like my son?

Thanks for replying. She changed schools because we moved to our area after the application deadline so she initially got put wherever there was space. The school she was at was good but it was tiring driving there and back every day so when a place became available in our local school (which is also good) we took it as she now has an extra hour in the day at home and she's always been pretty reluctant to get a move on in the mornings!

Sorry bekabeech, I should have explained better. Her step brother is her step mums son and lives with her dads family, not us. Her dad actually agrees with me that she should be assessed whereas my partner seems to think she's just being awkward and doing everything she does on purpose because apparently that's how he was when he was her age.

Incidentally, her step brothers dad has been diagnosed as Aspergers and I'm pretty sure her dad (as in my ex) is on the spectrum too. Bloody complicated family!

Well if both her parents agree that DD should be assessed, what her step dad thinks doesn't really come into it and he should butt out.

It must be very hard for you with a 19month old and all this going on as well, and partner being unsupportive to dd won't be helping your state of mind. I think you need to start with him!
Whether your dd has HFA or not she will be acutely sensitive to any criticism from her step dad - I think he needs read a few books like How To Talk So kids Listen or the Explosive Child and leave you to make decisions about the best way to handle her. And show some sympathy for the fact that she may be feeling very sidelined with new baby.
Is there someone your dd could talk to, counselling perhaps - even if she has got ASD you might find it very helpful to reassure her that someone is able to listen and not judge. Dd saw someone who did "person centred therapy" and was trained in counselling children who felt very angry and upset. Dd did not have ASD but she had a brother with ASD and this caused all sorts of resentments and sadnesses which bottled up over the years - at 8/9 she saw this counsellor who really helped make her feel her emotions were important and not just a behavioural problem. (She came via the NHS, but dd saw her privately)
In the meantime I had a child with ASD not diagnosed until your daughter's age, and when people don't know why you are behaving the way you are behaving, believe me it makes children very angry and upset. Once you know what the reasons behind their behaviour, sensory issues, theory of mind etc, all falls into place and it is so much easier to make everyone happy.Ds2 (15) is thriving now, he has Asperger's an EHCP and loving school and a few good friends and no anxieties (touchwood), and he is great. But we went through rocky times when he was your daughter's age up until the real help and understanding of his condition materialised.

Thanks for the replies. My partner does neef to get on board. He has a tendency to project himself or his feelings on to others without considering how other people might feel so he can be difficult at times.

I've spoken to school about her behaviour and they were really surprised but her teacher said she would speak to the Senco also they have a pupil support mentor who comes in once a week that she could spend time with. Hopefully this will help her a bit.

That does sound similar. Apart from the school thing, I think the move has shaken her up a lot. The last school was a c of e school and despite not being religious I think the general feel of the school was 'fluffier' to quote my partner! Her new school is infants only but seems more 'old school' in how they go about things. Generally stricter whereas her old school was more relaxed. Also the kids seemed much better behaved at her old school. I'm wondering if we made a mistake moving her! She is getting used to it and had been invited to more social things with the new school.... I'm just hoping she settles soon. She actually stopped herself from hitting me the other day and I praised her for controlling herself but I think it was a one off!

A work friend has a 8 year old daughter she has terrible anxiety and has been getting counselling over the past 2 years. She has been kicking screaming and crying when being taken to school and is causing ruptions in school and her mum has had to leave work and go to the school office nightmare, if any of the boys in her class go rarr when playing they frighten her she bursts into tears. She has no friends at school her mum has to ask other children friends to be her's, she sits alone at play time she likes bugs creepy crawlies she calls them her friends and runs the school club. She brings her to work sometimes she has said some weird things to me made comments about the blacked out windows on her grandfathers car which ended up being a long debate. On one occasion she was totally fantasised with size of a quite large sandwich baguette I was eating, I'm greedy. I spoke to her mother when she was telling me about her vandalising her step brothers toys. I told her she was showing signs of ASD as she has a gaze when she talks and cant tell when others are board of her conversation. She was checked at nursery and they didn't identify anything, looks like shes slipped through the net girls are very hard to spot, she possibly has very high functioning Aspergers shes one of the oldest in the class and well ahead of the other kids. Her mother was a bit touchy when I mentioned Asperger's as some she knows has a daughter with it, she said if anything gets worse she's going to get more help! I have a very rare form of Asperger's myself I'm half girl and half boy it takes one to know one. I was obsessed with Dinosaurs at her age and still am. In year 1 a friend hit me the day before so I pretended everything was alright waited for the right time to get my revenge, the next day they sat opposite me I sharped a pencil as sharp as I could get it and stabbed it into straight into their hand with all the strength I could muster. I have a winning mentality and always have to come out on top and still fidget so can't wear a necklace and don't like wearing a belt only comfortable clothes, girls with Asperger's often twirl and play with their hair even ones in their late 20's.

OP, you DD sounds very similar to mine. Our little girl is 6 and going through the assessment process.