Don't know how to help him?

[ifsheknew]

My DS is 3, and is unofficially diagnosed with autism (who knew waiting lists were so long ).

He averages above his age, at 4 years old, for self care skills. Although he is unable to get himself dressed of a morning, he is able to take himself to the toilet and take care of all needs from that aspect (without my input at all) so that includes pulling pants and trousers up and down too. He can also feed himself, use all cutlery and clean himself. He is also very independent.

My issue is suddenly out of the blue he seems to be having more breakdowns than usual. Nothing has changed in his life, from what I can see or tell, but he has regressed and now 'needs' me to assist with all self care skills I have mentioned. He throws himself on the floor if I'm not standing there helping him go to the toilet. I will go in and encourage, but not get involved as such.

He wanted to play in his bedroom after waking up in the morning and he's crying because I need to turn on the light, even though he is able.

He also cries as I need to feed him (!?), when he is more than capable.

I'm still trying to figure this whole new side of parenting out and I don't know what to do for the best. He has become very clingy during the day, and I'm exhausted. He has a younger brother who still doesn't sleep through the night (but it doesn't disturb DS), and I have a DH who works long hours so I get no space or free time. I feel like I'm running on empty!

Is this all normal? Or would it only happen if there's been a change in his life that has disrupted him? Nothing has happened from what I see . How can I make this better?

I'd love to hear if anyone has experienced the same? Thank you for reading, and replying (in advance)!

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment.

My ds is 4.5years with ASD he had quite a large regression at about 2.5years where lost a lot of speech and skills. I also found 3-4 very difficult with him, things started getting a bit easier at 4.
I definitely find with my DS that if he's anxious he regresses or wants me to help him with things he knows how to do. I think (I'm just guessing as he's still not completely verbal) that he finds it reassuring. I also think that when he anxious he can be so wound up he can physically forget how to do things.
You say 'out of the blue' but that is rarely the case with us, more often that we just haven't worked out what the trigger is yet.

How old is your other dc? Could that be the trigger, if there's stress or tiredness in the house? My ds is very sensitive to our emotions and definitely gets more anxious when I'm stressed. Or possibly something at nursery if he goes?

Thanks for the reply livpotter.
His brother is 4 months, and he started preschool a month ago. The regression started maybe 2 weeks ago. His preschool are very supportive, but have said he gets a bit stressed with the other children around him interrupting his play (it doesn't happen often). However he loves going and gets upset on the days he isn't going to preschool. He doesn't want to come home when collected either.
That's an interesting point about physically forgetting how to do it when he's anxious or stressed. He usually has tell tale signs when he is feels those ways, which he hasn't presented in these instances, but perhaps there are new ones I haven't noticed yet. That's something il look out for, thank you.
We are looking at the private ASD assessment and play therapy route for him, so I'm hoping it can be the start of helping him. I never expected I would be unable to support my DS or understand how he is feeling. I think I need the support for him more than he does.
Has your DS had an official diagnosis, and which route did you go for if you don't mind me asking?

Yes he got his diagnosis at the end of last year.
We started privately with GOSH. He had a multi-disciplinary assessment and they were going to do a private ASD assessment at 4 but our NHS one came through first.

I know what you mean, I feel very much that I am learning on the job! I have found that if my ds needs the extra help and I can give it (i also have a younger dd who is 2 so not always possible) I do. Initially I felt like I was giving in, but I think sometimes he just needs the extra support to do things. Being a parent to my ds often feels very counter-intuitive but he is proving to be a pretty good teacher!

It does sound like a fairly typical response to change - new baby and then starting pre-school is a lot for a little person who's used to being the centre of your attention. I'd do what he is telling you he needs from you and it will almost certainly pass as he settles into the new routines.

How's his speech? Imagination play? Socially how is he?
Does he have any sensory issues, loud noises an issues? Clothes? How's he around shops?

Tbh from what you have mentioned its sounds like an average way of gaining more attention and noticing he has to share attention and you do this for his younger sibling and not him....
No fault to you. I think some kids get to a certain age and are more aware of different ways to get attention and where to push boundaries.

Sorry for the delaying in replying, it's been one of those weeks!

Livpotter that's interesting, I had no idea GOSH did private assessments.* We're about an hours drive from there, so may I will contact them.* That's makes a lot of sense to be honest, and thinking about it maybe I'm expecting too much from him. It definitely is a learning on the job experience, but I assume with time it gets easier. I'm hoping that once we have an ASD assessment we will be accepted for DLA and can put him in some support programmes such as play therapy or private speech therapy. I love him dearly and it's so hard to see him go through these difficulties.

HardAsSnails I think I agree with you actually. The last couple of days he's been telling me to put his brother down when I'm holding him, not all the time, but enough for me to be worrying about how he's feeling. He is speech delayed so it's difficult to get him to open up about his emotions. We do 'how are you feeling, happy or sad?' Usually switching the 'happy or sad' to 'sad or happy' to make sure he isn't repeating the last word. He usually answers happy, but working on his emotions so that he can communicate how he feels, it's definitely our next step with him.

kaz86 speech - delayed (aged 24 months) struggles learning new words, pronouncing words (unable to say his name) and putting his (limited) words together. Imaginative - at correct stage for his age and he loves to 'cook', 'clean' and play small world usually involving emergency services. Socially - 'awkward', and has no concept of personal space. Loves to talk with everyone and anyone, but has no idea how to. Limited speech doesn't help either. Sensory is a big issue for him to be honest. Sounds, smells, taste, you name it. He struggles with loud noises, big crowds (shopping), weather changes, tasting most foods etc. He usually responds by flapping/crying or screaming/running in circles on tip toes. It's a very difficult stage at the moment, and I think we are still learning how to support him right now. I guess it's trail and error until we work it out really, but I'm hoping we can find a support system for him to help him understand and come to terms with situations in life. Sadly nothing I do right now seems to be helping that.

I think I'm coping a little better since making this thread, and I am making more of an effort to engage with him through play. Baby now^^ naps upstairs and seems to be getting into a better sleeping pattern, so I'm hoping this is the start of a better routine for DS and he will have more time with me during the day. Thank you everyone!

Bold fail.. sorry!

Glad you're feeling a bit better!
We got our GP to refer us to Professor Richardson at GOSH. He is brilliant but It is really expensive, so if you can do things through the NHS I would!
You don't need a diagnosis for the DLA, have you already tried to apply for it? There's a guide to filling it in by Cerebra which is brilliant.
If you think that sensory is a big issue for your ds I can not recommend OT enough. My ds has been doing it for about a year and it really has made a massive difference. We did SaLT privately for a little while but it wasn't making much difference as the therapist didn't have much experience with autism. Have your LA provided anything for you?

Hi ya.
After reading your last comment I totally get why your concerned.
I'm so lucky with mine there wasn't a very long waiting time :/