Help: PDA violence

[ponygirlcurtis]

My DS2 is 6 and awaiting diagnosis for autism with PDA profile. I have known since he was about 3. We have been waiting a year now, hoping for the appointment to come through in the next couple of months.

Since around 28th December, and particularly in this last week, it's been really hard. He has been shouting at me, throwing things, and been violent - punching and hitting mainly. He's very tall and strong, he's three-quarters of my height. Tonight he punched me in the throat. He is usually worse after a weekend at his dad's - which was last weekend. I am struggling. I am using strategies, trying to keep things calm, but we are on eggshells. Who is my first port of call for help here? The paediatrician who is seeing us? His teacher? (he has been fine in school last couple of weeks but he's had a few blow ups and the school is aware of the situation) My health visitor? I don't know what they could do if I am honest but I feel like I need to reach out to someone.

My action plan would be:

Chase up appointment with paediatrician. Not that it is likely to bring directly any support but might mean you gain access to support from agencies that deal with ASC.

Organise a meeting with SENCO and class teacher to see if extra support can be put in at school. It is likely the behaviour you see at home is related to stress at school. Reducing this improves behaviour at home.

If you are on good terms with your ex discuss how both of you are managing behaviour. Inconsistencies may be causing problems.

Seek advice from charitable organisms such as Autism West Midlands or NAS (National Autistic Society). Both offer courses on how to manage challenging behaviour which we found helpful (Best one we attended was called Managing Anger (the child's not yours!!!) run by NAS. They also publish lots of helpful guides with strategies that might help and a helpline that you can let off steam if nothing else.

Thanks very much, these are all good ideas, going to follow them up. I am on surface civil terms with ex (abusive bastard that he is), he knows what DS needs but may not be doing it so I will restate it. Today I have tried v hard for us to have a restful day with no demands in an attempt to reset things and I am feeling a bit more positive. Thank you for responding with such good ideas. 😊

I want to leave a longer message, and I will try to, but I’m pushed for time. We have a very aggressive DS awaiting assessment with expected diagnosis of aspergers (or he’s just a horrendous, aggressive little sh*t and my parenting sucks...). Anyway, I’ve found that teaching him to swear has helped reduce the physical violence. He can now profane like the best of them, and seems to find the same degree of relief from the pent up aggression as he would from physical violence. It’s revolutionised my relationship with him now that I’m not worrying about physical assault as much. I’m not sure if you’re on board with having a swearing child, but in my book it’s better than physical violence. I’ve been stabbed and scalded by my DS, tho, so I was quite desperate for solutions.

Also agree with everything the above posters have said.

Re: demands - the app called TimeTimer on Apple devices is fab for setting time limits without it being you that makes the demand. I use it a lot for time-sensitive activities, like getting to school, etc.

And you’re doing a great job if you have lots of cosy, relaxed and undemanding down time. You need demand-free time to remind yourself what a lovely DS you really have, so you can see the best of him. On that note, I also volunteer at school once a week supporting children with SEN so I can see DS being lovely on a regular basis (and build up brownie points with school so when I ask for stuff they are more likely to say yes).

Thank you for your feedback as well, Springer. Not sure about the swearing as he's only 6 and doesn't even know about swearing yet! But I have now got a Timer app which he is loving (because he can control it and change the timings etc). And a set of punch pads and boxing gloves are being delived this week. I am also seeking out lots of other support avenues as well, for both him, me and my older DS. Thank you for taking the time to post.