High Functioning Autism/Selective Mutism and wanting her first Birthday party...pls help!!!

[Blossom4538]

Hi all,

Dd is 6 and will be 7 this year. She has found parties a struggle. It’s more the build up beforehand when she goes to friends parties, she is often okay when there as long as she’s near our side. Afterwards there is sometimes a little “fallout”. Dd has hardly been invited to friends parties so far this school year however.

Well, DD has never wanted a “friends” bday party for her own bday, and we were not at all surprised about this. We have been really sad about it but if honest, kind of relieved! Last couple of years, she wouldn’t have coped well. We have always thrown a get together at home with extended family, which she enjoys.

This year, she has mentioned having a friends party, which is fab, but I’m worried!! Any tips over what will work well for an anxious, Selectively Mute girl with some sensory issues please?! What has worked well for you or not worked so well?

Also, i’m not v confident with the other Mums and can be quite shy and anxious myself...or quite talkative and loud to overcompensate lol!

Worried....

We have had very small parties at home for our son, and also big noisy parties at venues like soft play and trampoline parks. He also has sensory issues. The key for us is to plan it collaboratively, talk though the problems there might be and be ready for the inevitable end-of-party meltdown.

This year, I've suggested online minecraft, so he can be in the same room as his friends or not, depending on how he feels. Many of his friends also have ASD.

We are doing bowling party for hfa son this year (also very nervous!!!!). His choice. We have been to bowling alley quite a bit to acclimatise him to noise and lights so fingers crossed.

Hi
My DD (8) has selective mutism and we've just had a diagnosis of ASD. She has always struggled with more boisterous parties, and I never push her to attend any she doesn't want to. She also doesn't like being the centre of attention. We've held three parties for her, and they've all been arty-type affairs. Something where everyone is focused on their own work, and although there's chat, she doesn't have to join in if she doesn't want to. At this age, almost all parents drop & pick up, so you don't need to do much socialising yourself (also something I find difficult). Is there a pottery painting studio, or similar, near you?

Replying more generally as mum of an 11 year old girl, I think keeping it small at home can really work. Does she like craft? Be My Bear, like build a bear at home, is quite a nice activity or Baker Ross kits (you can get them in packs of 4-6 sets all the same), decoupage, soap making. 2-3 activities plus a party tea is straightforward and pretty low risk. Prime DD by practising the activities so she is an "expert". Google some party games and have some lined up in your head, then play it by ear on the day.

Personally I think 1.5 hours is enough. We did a party games and craft party for DD's 6th and no parents stayed. You might get some stay if you do somewhere bigger like soft play.

With this age group I would avoid films, particularly at home, as they don't tend to have the concentration. Film and pizza has featured heavily in DD's parties over the years but only successfully from her 9th birthday, I'd say.

DS is our possibly autistic child. We've tended to seek out stuff that's not too overwhelming and keeps them occupied without being all about the socialising. For example soft play can go horribly wrong but a petting farm and climbing wall have been quite successful. I have never brought myself to do a party at home for him because his friends are louder and rowdier than DD's, and I don't think he (or I!) would cope. Noise in an enclosed space can be tricky - he finds party rooms quite overwhelming. Logistics of food etc is easier at home but there's more prep in getting the house ready.

I would start with who she wants to invite, how many, how quiet or loud they are and of course what she would like to do.

My DD is HFA with sensory issues and parties are often too much for her, particularly her own.

We have found activities where there is less need for her to 'socialise' works best. So far, the best have been a pony party with grooming and a pony ride and a party where they do a sort of warrior course, they set up activities and kept the kids moving and active so everyone was busy having fun but no need for my daughter to be social!

Thank you,
Currently toying with the idea of a party at home or chocolate making party, or similar!

Dd mentioned soft play but it is a huge Centre and I’m thinking her 7 yr old friends may not be fussed? Do 7 yr olds still like it?!!! 😆

I think soft play may be too much for her.

Soft play fine would be fine image-wise at 7 round here, but if your gut feeling is avoid it, avoid it! I think it's the venue where other parents are most likely to stay too, so it might not work that well for you either. Soft play can get a bit tribal when there's a load of them together.

Activity farm may be good (but weather dependent)

Perhaps not soft play!

My dd went to build a bear for her 7th, she doesn't have SM but a friend does. They were very very good with her, the girls all wrote their bear's names down and they held them up for everyone to read in unison instead of saying them in turn, and they took half an hour choosing an outfit each with supervision but not much interaction required except among the girls (does she speak to friends?). They went to a local pizza / burger place after and all played with their new teddies while waiting for their food.

Build a Bear is very good. Does she like bears? Most children love those parties and the helpers guide them through every step of the way.

You can have a prior word with them so they don't make DD speak if she doesn't feel like it.

The helpers talk enough anyway!

Then perhaps something to eat nearby...somewhere DD likes a lot?

Is DD your only child? DS 1 just cried for two hours when he had his own birthday party. He loved being in charge of the music and helping to look after the younger children at DS2's party. Could your DD practise at a party where she is not the centre of attention, and she could escape if she needed?