Help me keep calm and patient................

[Hopeitwontbebig]

I will try and keep this brief. I am 18 weeks pregnant with DC3, I have DS1 10years and DS2 7 Years. My 10 year can be VERY hard work, 7 year old an angel. 10 year has had problems with anger and is very stubborn at times. We have sought help about him and lots of suggestions were made saying he had mild ADHD, then it was Dyspraxia then the final diagnosis was mild Aspergers. He can be the most kind considerate child a lot of the time, especially if his little brother isn't around. He prefers the company of adults. He does seem to have problems with his social skills. Most of the problems start usually connected with his little brother.

I'll give an example of what happened this morning: Yesterday DS2 put DS1's plate and cup away and DS1 said he'd get DS2's shoes out for him in the morning to return the favour. So this morning DS1 refuses to get DS2's shoes out, saying that he didn't say that and that he said he'd put shoes away, not get them out!

Me 'come on, just get them out, both of us heard you say that yesterday',
DS2 'no I didn't',
Me 'we haven;t got time for this just do it',
DS1 'NO!!', I count to 5, DS1 get's only DS2'S shoes out and then just sits down. Bearing in mind, we are going to be late.......
Me, 'where are your shoes',
DS1 'I'm not getting mine out DS2 can get them' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me 'That's ridiculous, you were in the cupboard anyway, you should have just got yours... come on now we are going to be late, if you want to come in the car you need to get a move on.... are you coming with me or are you going to walk?'
DS1 angry voice 'I'm going to walk'
Me 'Fine do what you want'
DS1 then walks into the lounge, sits down and starts stroking the cat.

It's at this point that I really lost it,
Me 'Hurry up and get on with it, you're going to be late'
DS1 'You told me I could do what I wanted' stroking cat,
Me 'Not inside the house you're not'
I got his shoes and coat out of the cupboard, picked up his school bag and put them outside the front door,
Me ' Out now'
DS1 starts crying and runs into the cupboard shutting the door behind him

All this is going on I'm thinking poor DS2 poor DS2 he's going to be late

I open cupboard door saying 'out now', my DS1 is VERY big for his age and refused to come out, I ended up dragging him out of the cupboard, at which point he decided to sit down in the middle of the hallway, on top of DS2's school bag, I then dragged him up and pushed him out the door. I then called poor DS2 and we went out the front door and got in the car, I called back to DS2 and asked him again if he wanted to come in the car, he said No, so off we went.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH

NOW, I know I'm probably a bit hormonal, AND I also know I am VERY stubborn when it comes to DS1 which doesn't help when he's so stubborn, but seriously, I'm going to crack up soon.

What I'm really hoping for is some help to manage my emotions during these situations, ie if I'd kept completely calm I would have been able to think more rationally and probably would have just come downstairs when it all started and said right I'll get the shoes out then........... that would have been the end of it.......... instead I dug my heals in...... he dug his heals in.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP ME!!!!!!!

Sorry for long one

PS I posted this message in the behaviour forum last week, was advised by lovely mumsnetter to post here too...

I think probably the best piece of advice would be to choose your battles carefully. I know what you mean about the battle of wills though. I still sometimes get caught up in this and think "You WILL do what I've asked you to!" It's only when it all spirals out of control that you realise that it didn't really matter that much in the first place.

So, my advice would be to let the unimportant stuff go. If you find yourself getting wound up then leave the room for a minute if it's safe to do so. It gives both of you a bit of space and helps to stop/slow the big build-up.

I would also say that with AS it's wise to never give a choice about something when there isn't really a choice, eg "Do you want to go to school or not?" A child with AS will take it very literally and think that you really do mean that they have the option of not going to school etc.

A late "Congratulations!" on your pregnancy, and welcome to the SN board.

Anyone who knows me IRL is probably now wetting themselves laughing at the idea of me posting advice about being calm and patient.

Thanks coppertop

not really got anything to add to that, but with a possible as child, child with behaviour probs, and 2 nt older children, i will very loudly 2nd the choose your battles wisely, this is a lesson i learn at a very high price with ds1, who is nt and now 18yrs old and doing well, but by god was it a battle of wills to get there lol. my ds is as, and yes he would have taken exactly the same stance if given that choice of being taken or going alone, they really do take things literally, its not an issue that would arise in this house however as world war 3 breaks out if ds3 puts ds4's dish or plate away etc, ds4 being as stubborn as a mule, well completely went off on a tangent there sorry lol, my ds3 just for the record hates any kind of shouting, perhaps if you can keep calm and RATIONALLY lol, talk to him, and explain things, it will work better, just for the record how is he with emotions, i know he is much older than my ds3, but we work on emotions, he likes to make peeps happy, and does not like making peeps sad, so that does work for us, good luck hun, and welcome to the sn boards.

Hi mum24, thanks for your message.

I WISH I could just let stuff go.. I think it's me that has to do a lot of the changing. Most stuff I do just let go with my DS2, it's never a big deal. With DS1 I sometimes seem to pick a fight, even when I've had time to think about it. Need to sort my life out..... WISH WISH WISH I could just forget about all teh stuff that's happened over the past 10 years and not be so synical with him, I find it hard to give him teh benefit of the doubt. He often lies about stuff, but I always manage to get the truth out of him in the end. This just compounds the situation and my attitude towards him.. ie if somethings been messed up in the house or broken, I always ask him if he's done it, because most of the time it is him, he will always lie about it first. DS2 always comes and tells me if he's done something silly (which is v rare) and I always forgive him, because he's honest about it.

He does get emotional about stuff, he still has tantrums/crying fits, quite often without much cause, we have to explain to him that he's misunderstood the situation etc etc. He does get angry easily.

On the surface he acts like he doesn't care whether he's upset me or his brother, but given time to reflect 9 times out of 10 he will come and say sorry.

Maybe he's just putting on a front, like 'I'm not bothered' or something.

Sorry, going off on one......

I think maybe I've made too many rules, so when they're inevitably broken, I feel cross and exhausted...... like 'how many times have I told you to.....'

Do I sound really awful?