12yo struggling with friendships, breaks my heart

[MerryMarigold]

My ds1 is not formally diagnosed with anything specific but has had various issues (seen OT for a while, ADHD diagnosis but more for ADD, slow processing/ working memory, been in groups for social skills at school). He gets on ok academically, though he has to work harder to be average than his siblings do to do very well. He's not disruptive in school though we can have v difficult behaviour at home when he's stressed. Can get very anxious. I am most worried about his friendships, which he's struggled with for most of his school life.

He was ok in Nursery, but very quickly in Reception he was developmentally behind his nursery friends (maturity level I'd say) and was bullied/ excluded by them in Reception. Most of this came out later and just manifested with really awful behaviour, difficulty sleeping and eating problems. In Y2 I managed to get him moved into a different class where he found a friend, which was great, and he was separated from the 'cool' kids who had excluded him. He settled down and was very close to this one child in Y2/Y3 and Y4. It was always really this one child who he was close to, although he had a few more peripheral friends.

In Y5 we moved, and he started a new school. He took a very long time to make friends there and again was excluded/ bullied by being made fun of. I spoke to the school, but you can't force friendships. The more obvious stuff stopped (name calling/ hitting), but the general being left out continued for well over a year. We tried play dates, birthdays etc. Only one child/ parents really responded a little. By the time he left Y6 he had a couple of 'friends' although I somewhat doubted their friendship to be honest.

Going into Y7 it was a new start and I was so relieved as he left most of that class and only moved up with a couple of kids in the school, one of whom is a very nice kid. He was so happy for the first few weeks as the school has a very big catchment and many children did not know people, so it was a bit of a free for all in terms of friends, and he felt included and seemed to be making friends with a few people. I was so so happy and relieved. Recently, the behaviour has gone downhill again and it has come out in the past few days that once again he is on his own all of lunchtime and does not feel he has friends, that he is 'not cool enough' (his words) to have friends, he can't find anyone at lunchtime etc.

It breaks my heart to see his confidence plummet like this and I don't know what to do to help. I am posting here because I do believe he has some SN even if not formally diagnosed and because I know other children with SN struggle socially. The inability to handle more than one friend is one of the things, or just being marginalised for being a bit socially awkward. I just wondered what help you give your children to make friends, and if you think I should pursue a more formal diagnosis for my ds/ how I would go about doing that. I am not sure his needs are acute enough to get any formal diagnosis (we have gone down the nhs route once and there is nothing so alarming as to warrant a diagnosis). I only want a diagnosis to help us and school know how to help him, particularly socially, and maybe now he's older so that he can understand how his brain works more so that his self confidence isn't so low. His brother is Mr Popular (and 3 years younger) which doesn't help.

A lot of what you say applies to my own DS aged 12. The difficulties - not “bad enough” for formal diagnosis, the bullying, the “cool” kids shunning him, the failure of any school to help him socially. His ability to form strong friendships with a few children on a one-to-one, but not to have groups of friends. We went through an ASD assessment when he was 5 but there was not sufficient evidence of ASD at that time. We are now - at our insistence, going through another assessment, because the differences now he is older are marked. In the state system he was doing “OK” like your DS , so support was minimal, understanding not so good. He has issues with word retrieval, visual and auditory processing, sensory processing, concentration and focus. We have had to fight each step of the way for speech therapist, OT, and school assessments. It was only when I read a book about sensory processing disorder that I realised this was a huge thing with my DS. We had him assessed by OTs and they agreed that he had SPD. He has been labelled “slow”, “lazy” and if I hear one more teacher saying “he needs to try harder” I will probably punch them. What has helped us? Well, putting him in a private school for one, though that is not an option for everyone of course. Small classes have made an enormous difference. You say your DS is OK academically. But with support, could he be more than OK? It was only when tired of my DS struggling to write a story for homework, I told him to dictate it to me, that I realised he had an incredible gift for creative writing. Due to bad visual motor integration, he found it impossible to think and write at the same time. Freed from having to write, he dictated a perfect, incredible piece of prose. We also, privately, got an educational psychologists report. Again, a game changer inasmuch as it recorded officially, in scientific terms that his brain worked differently, that he could not filter out distractions in the environment when working, he could not look at the board and copy things down, or hand write an essay because the thought required for shaping letters precluded thinking about what he was actually writing. Tracking visually from a board to his paper meant he had forgotten the words when he was trying to write. The report said he should not be asked to perform certain tasks. It covered social interaction to an extent as well, as difficulties there go with learning difficulties concerning processing issues. With a formal document that found learning difficulties we were able to meet with school SENCos and ensure that support was put in place. It was the springboard to further assessment too. Social issues though have been the hardest. Schools have given promises but in the end, done very little. Playtimes are the worst time. Our son is at a prep school, he has made friends with a much younger child so the pressure has been taken off a little. When he moves next year, he is going to a school with a plethora of clubs, a reputation for developing the “odd” child, and a promise that he will be teamed up with other children of similar interests - science, dungeons and dragons etc. I think you need to consider getting a private ed psych report for your son to use as a way of getting your DS’s school SENCO to provide support. Most secondary schools have lunchtime support/reading/board game groups for children that find the playground difficult. Our DS is in the private sector, but each of the 3 state schools we looked at had provisions in place for children who found social interaction difficult. Have you see the school SENCO yet? Even if your DS has no formal diagnosis, no EHP, you can still ask for support, but it maybe that your son does also have learning issues he can be helped with. I do hope you get help. I still remember my son, aged 5 sobbing uncontrollably because his best friend no longer wanted anything to do with him because he wasn’t “cool” and he was “weird”. He begged me to “get him back”. It haunts me still. What I would say though is that at 12, they are starting to develop their interests. Somewhere in your sons school there will be other children like him, who he will bond with. I hope you find them x

Nelliellie - sorry to crash but can I ask how they diagnosed his tracking and writing issues? I have 6yr old asd who is struggling to write, says he cant see the board to copy stuff down even though his sight test is normal. School won't take me seriously as they say he's only 6 and prob just his asd

Allthewaves, it was the ed psych that confirmed the tracking issues, although I’d come across it in books about processing I think. Also a Dr Pauc, a chiropractor who runs a clinic in the new forest for children with learning/ASD/add issues had identified it. It’s a common problem is children with ASD. I think you can have it checked by a behavioural ophthalmologist. Your child maybe should have been assessed by the school educational psychologist if he has a diagnosis? It’s this sort of thing that has driven me crazy. ANYONE can copy something can’t they? So it takes my DS about 2 hours to copy a list down. So, clearly he’s messing about because it’s SIMPLE. My sons ed psych report said that he should not have to ever copy from the board, because the time he needs to do it is just too much and puts him under too much stress. I find out this weekend that the maths teacher uses board copying all the time, especially for new topics. Aargh!

Re the writing allthewaves, again very common in ASD children. It’s a processing issue. If you think about it, when you write, you have to 1. Think about how to shape each letter. 2. Actually physically shape the letter. 3.Think about the word being written 4. Think about what you’re writing about. 5. Think ahead to next letter/word while all the time having to shape each letter and co ordinate hand movements, looking and assessing as you go. This is visual/motor integration and can be very hard for some children. If your child finds writing difficult ask the school to involve the OCcupational Therapists. If they won’t, contact the OTs yourself (likely to be via NHS Child Development Centre) You may need to get a referral from GP. You can also get rubber grips for pencils or larger chubbier pencils and pens which are easier to use.

My 11 year old has aspergers syndrome and he struggles with friendship. He finds it helpful to go to clubs at lunchtime as it's structured and adult led.