Really need some support

[Dancergirl]

Hello, I am fairly new to the SN boards. I never thought I would be posting here and I am trying to get my head around the issues with my dd.

So my 10 year old dd is the youngest of 3 girls. I have found her behaviour quite challenging for many years. Highly emotional, she never really grew out of toddler tantrums, can be rude/cheeky, naughty, doesn't listen, answers back. Very, very tactile and needs a lot of physical reassurance e.g. cuddles every minute, before she goes upstairs etc. She has a set routine of phrases she has to say at bedtime. Gets quite anxious about things. Tummy problems. Over-sensitive hearing, hates the sound of people eating (this has got a lot worse in the last 9 months). Sense of touch is also over-sensitive and she prefers comfy clothing and hates labels etc.

I talked to the school a while ago and they said they haven't noticed anything. But they did listen to me and my concerns and recommended a private psychologist when I asked.

Dh and I saw the psychologist a few weeks ago and she said that from what we said, dd does show possible signs of Aspergers. This has come as a bit of a shock to me, although dh has suspected for a while.

Now we've got this in our heads, some things do start to make sense. Dd is very bright and has been preparing for 11+ exams. She really struggled with English comprehension where they have to answer questions about a piece of text because she takes things very literally and finds it hard to 'read between the lines'. I couldn't understand why such a bright child struggled with this.

Also - empathy. Dd can appear quite selfish at times - doesn't like sharing things, always takes the biggest piece of cake etc. I just thought it was something she would outgrow (we always picked up on it).

All of this has really got me down over the years. It has felt at times like I'm raising a spoilt brat and couldn't understand where my parenting has gone wrong

So what now? We need to decide if we want this psychologist to do a full assessment on dd and possibly get a diagnosis. This is probably a stupid question but what are the pros and cons of doing this?

Grateful for any advice. Thanks for reading.

My 2 were dx as toddlers so it's a different experience to yours. If your DD3 has ASD/Aspergers then she has it regardless of whether you go for an assessment or not, so I'd be of the mind to go ahead as not getting one won't stop her having the difficulties she has.

A thorough assessment may also highlight areas of difficulty that you have been accommodating for without realising, and as expectations increase rapidly at secondary school level, it may be very helpful to have a full assessment if any issues do start to appear at school.

My eldest is 12, and his ASD dx has really helped him in the last couple of years, as he has noticed the difference between him and his peers. There's also the legal protection under the Equalities Act for reasonable adjustments etc.

As for cons, I've encountered the odd rogue teacher who won't accept my child's difficulties are because of his ASD and is choosing to be difficult and I am just a pandering mother. The odd Joe Public who knows all about ASD and my child can't possible have it because if they did they would do xyz. A dx alone may not automatically unlock support. But nothing that would make me reverse the decision to have my DC assessed.

Thank you frayed

I think we are going to proceed with an assessment but it's going to be stressful as I know dd will kick up a fuss and not want to go. She's not keen on any health professionals and doesn't like missing school.

It is a tricky one. Though DS1 now 12 was dx aged 3 he is not a great fan of people asking him personal questions and would react similarly. But a skilled assessor will hopefully set her at ease. I'd go at it from an angle she can hopefully relate too (the over-sensitive hearing/people eating probably causes her difficulty every day).

Having been sceptical myself about getting DS assessed for autism, he was eventually diagnosed age 6 and I can honestly say it's made such a positive difference. At first getting an autism diagnosis made me feel really sad and overwhelmed. But we did a great parenting course with the National Autistic Society which was life changing - it explained all of his quirks and behaviour, gave us loads of practical tips and this all made our family life so much better and calmer. Also it's like a relief that it's not my bad parenting that's the reason for his behaviour - and I still feel a massive relief about that even if he's being a complete nightmare and having a meltdown - which is much rarer these days now we all manage it better! If you look at The Mighty blogs there are lots of people on there diagnosed with asd when adults who say they wish they had known growing up why they were different to others and that it would have made it a lot easier. Good luck x