Unacceptable Behaviour

[mummy2aaron]

DD is showing signs of unacceptable behaviour - she is basically copying her brother and doesnt realise it is wrong. What can I do to make her understand at 23 months that ds2 is different and she can't behave the same way? The paed says I need to nip it in the bud. I thought I would be best to sort it when ds2 goes to school in September so it gets my full attention iyknwim but she is getting really hard work.

'The paed said I need to nip it in the bud". That's helpful! Did he/she say how????

I sent ds2 and ds3 to nursery a couple of times a week from the age of 2 so they had typical role models as well as ds1. You can't stop a child copying their sibling, but I've found that they soon realise that ds1 is different iyswim. As they get older I start to say "ds1 doesn't understand because he's autistic, but you do don't you" (I don't say that to ds3 yet, he;s only 2, but been saying it to ds2 for years- he's now 5). Sometimes I add "I know it's not fair but...", But yuo can't do that with a 23 month old.

The only thing they both still do that drives me mad is hit themselves when cross (like ds1). But they do it gently.

Actaully ds3 has recently become very bossy "get down" he says when ds1 is climbing "no". DS1 obeys him as well!

The hitting themselves and the head butting are the worst things I think. I can cope with damage to things but not them iyswim. The paed said the usual 'I know it's hard for you, but...' if she knew how hard it was she would bloody shut up. I am fed up of hearing that phrase. This straight after telling me he has a heart murmur and a suspect mole which both need invesigation. Thinking about it though you are right she will learn from other children as she has more contact with them, I am hoping that will help with her speech too. DS2's Nursery will take her from June (they said I need the break as it's is usually when they are 2.5) but he will still be there until the end of July so I will have to wait until September for her to go there.

HOw about a childminder a couple of times a week? I'm a big believer in getting NT siblings out of the house - or their life becomes dominated by autism as well.

DS1 has an odd mole. It went very strange for a while- sort of crinkled up- it's large as well- but the dermatologist wasn't at all worried. It's good the paed has referred on about the mole because non specialists are usually quite ignorant about skin conditions, but remember mole problems are very very rare in young children.

Hope you get the heart murmer tests sorted.

When people say "you need to get this sorted". I ignore them unless they tell me how. Many go quiet at that point. The ones who know their stuff say "you could try..... but it might not work...."

Thanks hun, more sense and help in a brief mn session than hours with the specialists. I had considered sending dd to a private day nursery but felt too guilty but will sort something for her - it's for her own good, and mine too. I have been worrying about the mole because my Mum had skin cancer but i can worry if and when they say there is a definate problem, no point now, it's weekend and hard enough jut making it to Monday iyswim. Dh has a Heart Murmur too which was only picked up a few years ago so I am hoping it's the same thing.

When DS2 is at nursery, do you take DD to places where she can meet other children (who don't have special needs)? Toddler groups for example will enable her to mix with other children. A crèche at local sports centre, could be handy if say you wanted some child-free time, to go swimming, pamper yourself / spa, sauna session, or just having time to yourself.

Are there other parents locally with children of a similar age to your DD? Can you arrange playdates, so that she gets to meet more children similar to herself.

I take her to Mums & Tots Groups and she goes to a Creche once a week as I am currently on a course similar to the Hanen where they provide one. She is very well behaved at these, it is just at home that her behaviour is becoming a problem. She is also waking trough the night and if she is not next to me in my bed she screams the house down which is disatrous as DS2 will wake any time around 4am and is up for the day. I can't risk him waking earlier. I am hoping in September with full time school for him and nursery for her in the mornings the sleep will get better as they should be shattered.

I know that it isn't really revelant to you (yet) but school age kids in primary can be remarkably understanding of the differences in 'acceptable' behaviour between NT and SN kids. They can easily accept that X does Y because of Z.

It is when they get to secondary that they can be really arsy over it

I find already that the children at Nursery who are younger than Jack tend to 'look after him' if he is frustrated if the jigsaw won;t go together etc they help him and this is age 3-4. Very sweet to see really. Perhaps DD will see the difference with a bit more socialising.

I never did Mums and toddlers with ds2 or ds3 because being in a room full of NT children was like some sort of torture. I did try with ds3 but couldn't bear it, just made me paranoid and depressed. That's partly why I went for the nursery at 2 option. Far easier on me for them to socialise with NT kids out of my eyesight iyswim.

I have done it with all 3 but ds2 hated it - now I know why.