I "hate" my autistic son

[specialneedsmumoftwo]

I don't even know how to begin this thread, but here it goes...please dont judge me. I just need some support. Im pretty troubled and desperate.

I had my son in 2014, he was 10 weeks premature and born by emergency c section. We ALMOST lost him. I've never fully gotten over this.

He's now 3 1/2, he was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and developmental delay in march this year. His behaviour is challenging to say the least. He doesn't play with toys, he constantly whinges and meltdowns throughout the day. He also slaps us/bites/trashes the house. We are unable to do anything "fun" as a family, which is heartbreaking as we also have a younger daughter (18 months), who doesn't get any attention.

I hate being around my son, im on constant egg shells, and just don't know what to do anymore. No disciplinary approaches work, he slaps and bites his sister. He has very limited vocabulary. I've been on anti depressants for the past year....nothing helps. I look into his eyes and it's as if i don't know who he is. It's like he's pleading with me to understand, but I dont.

I have zero help from family and friends as no-one can handle him. Wherever we go, he cries and screams and meltdowns. Nothing is fun anymore. I know this may come across as me being selfish...but I want my kids to talk to me, to laugh with me, to have fun with me. I'm just broken and drained by it all. He never seems happy. I'm never happy. Me and his dad are at breaking point with it all. We've tried everything.

Deep rooted in all of this is that I blame myself. We've been told his issues are most likely from the under brain development from being premature. Why couldn't I have carried him for longer? I just wish we could meet the boy he might have been.

It makes it even harder that family members don't fully accept his diagnosis and just think that we aren't disciplining him.properly and are bad parents. I dread getting up in the morning, I dread being around him. His sister is a joy to be around, my son is just a drain :( I know I need to be strong for him but I'm running out of patience and strength. When he meltdowns I just feel out of control, angry, bitter and resentful about everything...it makes me feel breathless and out of control.
:(

So sorry to hear you’re struggling, but also this is completely normal for a parent with a child with autism. It can be incredibly hard, especially as others often don’t understand.

Have you ever heard of applied behaviour analysis therapy? ABA for short. It’s an evidence-based practiced proven to help support children with autism. Lots and lots and lots of evidence behind this practice, compared to pseudoscientific practices such as sensory therapy which has very little evidence. Having worked within the field for 4 years and seen challenging behaviours dramatically reduce after interventions I very highly recommend it.

I currently work at an ABA school, however ABA home programmes are very popular too. These include hiring a Board Credited Behaviour Analyst (BCBA) for your child, who puts together an intervention and then hires ABA tutors to help implement it.

I wish you all the best on your journey. Remember - you’re doing a great job. Being a mum is hard, never mind a mum to a child with autism.

You don't hate him, its because you love him so much that makes it all so stressful. Look after yourself as well him. Hypnotherapy really helped to reduce my anxiety around my ASD son. Expensive but worth it for me (and I had to be forced along thinking it would be no help....)

You need a support worker and you need to ask for help ask your gp do not worry about being judged you could get respite so that your son could go with other autistic children for a weekend and you spend time with your daughter, you need this so don't feel guilty x

I feel like I'm in a similar situation and my son's 8. Can't offer any helpful advice, just to say that you're not alone. Sometimes I wish he had a more obvious disability... One that people could understand. I get even more upset with the situation when I'm told it's our fault because of our parenting. :(

Unfortunately it is very difficult to change the behaviour of a person with asd. I say person and not child very deliberately as us adults on the spectrum struggle to change to. All you can do is be very clear and direct and consistent in your expectations around behaviour. Change is not impossible. For example, my daughter used to sit in the trolley and kick me, I said no kicking, if you kick then no shoes. When she kicked again I took her shoes off and put them in a bag. Direct clear consequences work best, do you have a room in your home that could be made totally safe then put a stair gate on the door And place him in there when he acts out? Also when it comes to my daughter I have found that when it comes to certain things all I can change is my expectations. Picking your battles and letting yourself off the hook where you can may at least make you feel better about things.

Have you considered adoption? I have briefly for my DD as I'm disabled and I cannot cope. I really can't.....

Your don feel your emotions. If you are unhappy, he is also unhappy. Please accept him as he is and do not build the expectation he can reach. Telling you from my oen experiance with 11 year old child. It is a battle every day

I could have written this entire thread myself, down to the younger daughter. We're currently at the 3 1/2 and 18 months stage. Would you mind taking a moment to reflect on how things have been and how things have changed in the last 3 years? It would be invaluable to hear.

Zombie thread

@Sillymummies123 this thread is from 2017, you need to start your own thread.

Well, obviously - my post addressed that and asked for an update

Really not a helpful response when someone is reaching out for help and support and has made it clear that she is asking for a progress update 🙄 Talk about kicking someone when they are down!

I don't think SuperDupes response is meant to be unhelpful- I've been on this board for a few years and posters on here often speak to each other quite directly - it's because we all have kids with special needs and not much time, so we cut to the chase - please do start a new thread @Sillymummies123 and you will get lots of people who understand and can share how their journeys have been over that age range your children are in. Also lots of practical ideas and tips on this board of things to try which others have found help their DC.

Also could have written this myself @Sillymummies123 . My son is 3 in Dec, youngest has just gone 1. I'm at my wits end..also scrolling old posts for updates thinking please tell me this gets easier 😫😫 x

My ASD DS is 10 now. If when he was 3 someone could have shown me what he would be like now, I would have been absolutely delighted. He's brilliant. Life is still very much a challenge for him (and us) but in a very different way to those pre school years. I can't tell you how it will turn out for you, but it did get easier for me 😊

Yeah, I wasn't the OP but I did comment on this thread a while ago...

Birth to where we are now has been a journey which combines his development/ growth, and the positive emotional steps that come with thar, and our learning and acceptance of ASD and how it impacts his life.

Nobody sets out to be ableist or unsupportive, but ignorance of ASD and fear for the future made our knee jerk reaction "let's support him and make our expectations and slow and deliberate climb to living the life a neurotypical child would".
Recently, we've taken a step back, taken the pressure off of ourselves to have certain expectations for him and for the things we do as a family, and tried not to aim for NT behaviour, but for ASD happiness and a strong family unit with inclusively.

Life is still hard - days out have to be thoroughly planned and sometimes we can't avoid the meltdown, but christ - this time last year was all day every day meltdowns, lasting hours, with him hitting myself and OH, throwing things, destroying TV, and for the most part now he is calm, loving and we've had one full meltdown as above in the last 2 months.

Life at home is still tense, and we have to plan everything we say, he still doesn't do well being told "No", and has his own needs (if he wants to do X with a toy before we leave the house, we help him to do X, because he lacks the flexibility of thought to forget X).

However - he's so much more enjoyable to be around now, and our bond is stronger just one year later, between 3 and 4. It gives you hope for the next year and the year after that.