SEN son, age 6 emotional and social problems. Help please!

[mcjf30]

Hello, new to mumsnet.

I wanted to speak to other parents who are or have been through the same process as my son is. He has just had his EHC plan been produced with a outcomes meeting on Monday.
He is 6 and in Year 2, struggles mainly with social and emotional problems.
At home is is the most gorgeous well behaved boy but struggled at school regards to his emotions. He will lash out occasionally with other children he says annoy him. This is what breaks my heart as I have tried everything to stop him doing it with long positive talks about how to deal with anger in situations more calmly and how to recoognise when he is angry.
It's not worked and the slightest thing will annoy him. I dread going to school for drop off and pick up everyday and cannot wait to bring him home. I am working closely with the school but nothing is changing, academically he is above average and I dread to think of the next steps for my son. I asked to see the head teacher today as he is attending a new school and is emotionally very confused as we had to move house in the summer so we couldn't commute to his school he had been at since reception.
What I'm asking is I'm staying strong and calm but secretly I'm getting anxiety of what other parents are saying and dread the immediate future. I know things will get better as many teachers and specialists have said however am so nervous and anxious about him getting exluded should his violent behaviour continue. I understand he can't do what he's doing and am mortified as he has never been exposed to violence. He understands empathy and oftens knows straight away he's lost his temper. I just don't understand it as he's so different for me at home. Not sure how to feel at the moment as I'm so fed up with loads of people knowing about our life even though I know they are trying to help. Just feeling so crushed with it all and want to cry my eyes out.
Sorry for the rant and it probably doesn't make much sense but I needed to vent somewhere as I'm so confused. I keep thinking where did I go wrong and how on earth can I help him whilst he's at school, which obviously I can't physically be there to make sure everythings ok.
Beginning to think it's ADHD but unsure as yet, he's only 6 I don't want him labelled as that yet if all avenues aren't explored first. But doesn't stop the numbness of knowing he's hurting over children on ocassions. Causing so much stress, no idea what to do..

As he only behaves this way in school and not at home I wonder if he has some difficulties with processing a busy environment which makes it hard to concentrate and heightens sensitivity to other pupils. He may even have sensory difficulties. You might make an app with your GP to discuss this possibility.
It is very hard for a 6yr old to recognise and deal with angry feelings in time so that he does not lash out. In order to this he would need to recognise the cues that lead up to an explosion. Try getting him to relive the period leading up to an explosion by sitting with you in a calm quiet space. Ask him to close his eyes and picture what happened that day. Ask him: where are you? What are you doing? What is the other child doing? How are you feeling? Ask him to reel back the picture in his head a little while and do the same thing. See if you can pin point the cues that lead to an explosion. Then you can talk about it with his class teacher. Maybe it would help to sit near the door or at the edge of a row or even by himself if that is what he wants at times. Can the school organise some time out for him when he /they see him getting wound up. It must not be viewed as a punishment though.
I do understand what you are going through even if it's only from the other side as a senco who's seen this sort of thing quite often. It is most important that you do not blame yourself and recognise that you have done nothing wrong. try to forge a strong relationship with the school, his class teacher and the senco. It is not about labelling but recognising needs and meeting them.

Thankyou so much. My son does tell me what upsets him and explains why he gets angry. At his old school it was focused on 2 boys who had similar issues and I wonder if that's the same thing at his new school. He likes personal space and being on his own sometimes as finds things overwhelming.
The outcomes meeting is on Monday and quite a few suggestions have been made. The school can cope with the sensory issues but obviously not him lashing out when he becomes annoyed.
The senco teams have been fantastic at both schools and all have seen how lovely he is with the report stating he is kind, caring and friendly. He hasn't done anything this week as I put inplace a strategy to remove any computer time he has after his dinner. Which seems to be working.
Just sometimes gets all too much and every time I hear something has happened my heart breaks. Out of school socially he wouldn't hurt a fly.
I can see other parents views as had someone hurt my son and did not understand the issues there I would be so upset.
Just a challenging day for me today reading the report from the ed phyc as we all what the best for our kids. Have been googling techniques all day and am going to try lots of new things.
Thanks again hopefully there will be a breakthrough with him it's just hard not to beat yourself up as a parent thinking about things especially when they've gone to school and the mind wanders. Needed a rant to focus for Monday and not to be emotional it's about him not about my feeling ultimately

DS is just turned 8 now and we have seen big improvements in his behaviour since he was 6 - so there is hope . I used to feel so self-conscious about his behaviour as some people are so judgmental and not kind but I no longer care. I've got tougher with time!

DS can still suddenly get annoyed but it's not as often as it used to be. He often misunderstands situations and thinks people have done something mean to him when they meant no harm.

He attends a big chaotic afterschool with hardly any issues - as they have asked the other children not to chase him etc. Could your son's school try to manage things for your son so he is not put into situations that are too much for him to handle at the moment?

DS's OT was explaining how negative behaviour at school can be casued by him being under stress and he has arranged for the school to intervene throughout the day to give him movement breaks or time in the sensory room to de-stress. With DS his main aim at school is to ask for a break when he is starting to feel a small bit stressed before it escalates and gets to a point where he loses control and does something that gets him in trouble.

DS's OT recomended this book - it helps the child understand sensory processing problems and how they affect them in school and how to alleviate it. I find it very good.
www.bookdepository.com/Max-and-Me-Ines-Lawlor/9781855036161?redirected=true&utm_medium=Google&utm_campaign=Base1&utm_source=IE&utm_content=Max-and-Me&selectCurrency=EUR&w=AFFPAU963K42FYA80CH6A7FT&pdg=kwd-311544571348:cmp-711096402:adg-39922120027:crv-163912463747:pid-9781855036161&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-aqn3ffW1gIVx7DtCh21pAyUEAQYASABEgLhCvD_BwE

Thanks so much. Will defintely get the book! I'm hoping the school can put strategies in place for him. He doesn't mean to lash out he knows it's wrong just gets so overwhelmed like you've said in your situation. Will write notes about what you've said and bring it into the meeting on Monday.
I'm learning to toughen up aswell it's just so hard, I was never part of the click of mum's at the old school but am trying so hard in his new school to integrate to show my son I'm not scared of interaction.
Thanks so much so lovely to hear that your little one made it through, I know my one can it just is so tough! But luckily it's the weekend and can relax with him now and have some fun and face it all on Monday.

Do you have an OT? My son's OT has a good understanding of his sensory and behaviour issues. The OT meets the school a few times a year. Its great to be have an expert speak to the school as he really understands DS's behaviour and can answer all the teacher's questions. And the teachers put more weight on advice coming from an expert. I can really see the benefit of the OT's help and I think DS would be really struggling without it.

If you want something to cheer you up you could google 'Adam Harris autism videos'. Adam was diagnosed with aspergers as a child. I saw a documentary with video footage of him in pre-school having meltdowns and he attended a special school for 3 years. When you look at him talking now you really see that things can improve for a child with autism with the right help.
This video for example is good:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=SDFJr7kcmRY
Or this
m.youtube.com/watch?v=aPm4cK8FCVw

In relation to the other parents at school it might not be worth all the stress trying to fit in if you're never going to actually fit in? I spent ages stressing about this and eventually realised it was pointless. A couple of parents were lovely and inclusive. Most were indifferent - as they were only interested in the parents of their children's friends. My son doesn't make friends easily so I just didn't have the connection with the other parents. How long will your son be with that class group? Does he have any friends at school? If he doesn't make friends easily I don't think you will make a significant difference by trying to fit in with the other parents as their children will mainly want to play with the friends they have. You might get an occasional playdate but it might not be worth all the stress. One day, all those school gate parents will be forgotton about anyway as your son moves on so don't worry too much. Sorry, not sure if what I am saying is good advice but just my thoughts based on the last few years.

I have no OT as yet. I have been looking into it today and was going to ask for a referral on Monday. Thanks for the links I will look at them tomorrow as I'm so exhausted tonight and need to go to bed.
Last point I agree parents aren't worth mingling with however I'm prepared to hold my head up high as I know he is a lovely boy and if parents decide to snub me I'm fine with it. I just wanted to show my son I was in the school for coffee mornings. The mum's have so far been helpful, and they are mostly my son's year group. I will happily give them the opportunity to talk to me about my son's behaviour. I'm not ashamed anymore as I know he's caring and loving. He's never hurt a girl and never lashed out when a boy hasn't provoked him. Yes hitting out is wrong.. also being vindictive and destroying my son's nest of old clippings of grass and acorns by kicking them over when he worked hard on it at lunch is wrong. He then pushed the boy over.. and my child is told off.. Yes violence is never the answer but why do children wind each other up :(