Can I run a few things past you and can you help me work out how to deal with my ds?

[mamsarrug]

I've name-changed for this as some friends know my usual name and I don't want a connection. I'm sorry if it's a ramble. I've been plodding along and am at a loss how to deal with our situation.

My son is 8 almost 9. He is generally a lovely, sometimes over-confident, sometimes capable (but frequently lazy) and polite boy. He is currently being assessed for Aspergers and Dispraxia. There are a few people that think it's obvious, but most people seem to think it's just a maturity thing, and I have no idea whether I should be more compassionate because he can't help his actions or be stricter because he needs to learn to behave!

He has always been quirky and often doesn't "get" social situations. He plays with friends in the park and thinks he has lots of friends, but mostly they are the children of exceptionally nice mums. He does better with a 1-to-1 situation, so he has quite a few play dates here but is invited for fewer. He gets invited to a few parties. The school year he is in is very social, but whenever they are together the kids are often like a pack and tend to gang up on my son.

I know from observing the dynamics since Reception (he's now in yr 4) that a few of the kids liked getting him in trouble as I would always tell him off if he was "naughty". He massively overacts (embarrassingly) and a few years ago I overheard a couple of the kids asking my son to hit them, after which they would complain to their mum's. I would have to try to get my son to apologise and he would have a melt-down (while they smirked). Over the years I have talked to my son about how to react in situations like this and think I am getting through to him. The thing is, they can all play nicely, so I don't want to stop him playing with them. I think if he could stop having meltdowns / overreacting, he'd do himself a huge favour. (I know that this isn't necessarily possible if he does have ASD and/or Dispraxia).

Recently he has been the subject of a bit of bullying. He has been pushed in a bush, pushed in the road when we were walking home and pushed down some stairs at the park. All of the other children involved have been asked to apologise, and have. They all said that ds did something first to provoke them. When I try to speak to ds in the situation, he puts his fingers in his ears and refuses to even discuss it. Later, after much denying, he tells me that he did do what they said he did.

My dh said that I should not be blaming him. They are obviously bullying him and he reacts to them. It is possible that their verbal behaviour causes his behaviour but I think he needs to learn that he doesn't have a "free pass" to act how he likes. He seems to think it is acceptable to say mean things about others, even though I have always taught him to be nice and point out that he would feel sad if people spoke about/to him like that.

We appear to be at stalemate. I am aware that my embarrassment probably plays a large part in this but don't know how to curb it. Friends often remark how calm I appear when he is having a melt-down but inside I'm cringing. I am really not sure how I should proceed.

Any advice would be very gratefully received!

Sorry, that was long

Thanks zzzzz. I know my actions don't help. I by "free pass" I meant that we never deal with a situation at the time, apart from the other child apologising. I try to discuss it and he just won't. I guess other mums might not think I'm dealing with it. I'm not sure how I'm meant to deal with any of it!

I've spoken to his teachers who said he has friends and is fine at school. I've read some other threads on here where teachers often say that, but when someone does an in depth study of the child see that they aren't really included. I've seen my ds want to play with his "friends" and they don't want to, but when they are told they have to, make him the keeper of the castle (so he stays looking after the play frame) while they go running round the field together, without him .

It makes me so sad. I'm not sure what to do. Do I encourage him to play at the park, encourage more 1 to 1's or what?

I'm rubbish at this. It makes me sad and guilty that I'm failing my son

Also, I am not sure whether it is a tantrum or a meltdown. He's very highly strung. I find it so tiring.

I would say that he gets on with most kids, younger and older. We went round to one of my friends houses last week (her son is in ds's class) and he was invited in to play. He stayed for an extra 2 hours after I'd left as they were both having so much fun! That's what I mean, as a pack they are mean. Individually they are nicer. Poor ds!

I know all of the other mum's, although there is a group of very good friends which I haven't been able to join as I. work and they socialise during the day. It's mostly their kids, but does include some others.

I think you may have something with the fact that I focus only on my ds. There had been lots of jostling for position in class between the boys especially and I do know that others are affected too. I just don't know how to deal with it when my son won't apologise, or even stick up for himself. I feel I am being judged for bad parenting. Do you think that's a meltdown then, rather than bad behaviour? How do I tell?

And thanks for your replies. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who doesn't know him and isn't judging. I know a lot of people think he's just naughty but I am not sure he is. He's beautifully behaved (I am lead to believe) at school and can be very good at home. He just has silly, meltdowns / tantrums more befitting a 4 year old

I think if I were you I'd stick to the one to one play dates as he clearly enjoys and gets far more of those. Even if it's more one sided hosting them at yours he's getting lots of social interaction in a way he feels comfortable with.

I'd steer clear of all the horrible goading and joustling that goes on in the 'pack' (my DS is Year 4 as well).

The book The Explosive Child has been an excellent resource for us to support DS in situations like this, and explains really well the concept of lagging emotional skills and how to work collaboratively with children to avoid 'explosive' type behaviour (I can't recommend this book highly enough - there's a website too, Lives in the balance I think, but the book is clearer)

Marshmallow, thanks. I think you are right. I feel so bad as he loves the park - when they aren't goading him - and it's usually my only chance to catch up with the other mum's. But I think for both of our sanities (as zzzzz pointed out!), I need to steer clear in future. I will get that book too as I need all the help I can get. I keep telling him that he's of an age where he needs to control his behaviour (assuming he isn't ASD or Dispraxic), but am clueless how to help him. And really want to!

To my eternal shame I'm guilty of saying he needs to act his age. I know that's awful (hence why I came on asking for help!)

Thanks zzzz, you talk so much sense. I need to focus on what matters (absolutely my ds) and less what people think!

A lot of similarities with my son. He is year 6 and prefers to play in smaller groups, he rarely gets invited to kids houses but often has play dates at our home and is quite happy. When I drop him off I see the big pack of kids while my son just hovers or runs around by himself. He is sociable and doesn't really have meltdowns but can get quite upset if things don't go his way. I really, really symptom watch him and I have to tell myself not to. I took him to a party and was constantly conscious that he only wanted to socialise with the girls while the boys were in the usual pack. One of these boys was swearing loudly and violently pushed one of the girls against a wall, I came away grateful for my polite, quirky boy. I think as adults we gradually don't care so much about fitting in and are just ourselves, some off the wall but hey living happy lives. My son was diagnosed with ASD traits last year. Its hard but I try to keep him organised, busy and confident (I say try, sometimes I get impatient too). Try him with Scouts or something, my son really enjoys it. I think sometimes mums are very hard on themselves.

Thanks for the replies, and for going easy on me.

I agree with your comments - I am fixated on my ds. If other boys gonwondering off to play by themselves at the park, I just assume that that's their choice. If my son does, I see it as a sign of "something".

I will stop park visits for a while and try and use that time to do some nice things together. He can be so lovely, I just feel guilty if he just spends all his time with me.

Sending some right back to you!

Does he have siblings? My son was an only child until almost 7.

Yes, he's an only child which I know affects things.

Most of my sons classmates have close siblings so almost have a constant playmate. I also find it quite difficult to entertain my son and make sure he is socialised at the same time. My son isn't the best at compromising (he will but with a few tears) with other kids and playing games they like.