Autistic son, could I have some advice?

[OnlyGodKnowsWhy]

Hi all.

My DS2 is 7 and has a diagnosis of autism. At home for me, his behaviour is mostly okay. He can be short tempered, fussy about what he eats, can hit out at his brother a lot but sleeps well and can be very loving.

At school his behaviour is very difficult. He had a fantastic teacher last year that really got him and he loved school. His new teacher is lovely but he hasn't responded well to her.

He regularly runs out of class when he doesn't like something or there are too many people or too much noise. He has a spot he can run to, a safe spot as such and he does go there. However he is primary 4 now and I am becoming increasingly worried about this.

He also fights so much with my NT son, ds1 aged 8. Ds1 does wind ds2 up, making repetitive noises or words and ds2 ends up lashing out. They are both reprimanded, for the winding up and the hitting, but it still continues.

Of late, ds2 has become quite rude. He told my DH ' it's none of his business' and was very rude to my auntie that was trying to give him some pennies for a sweet.

At the moment it seems like I am the only one that has any form of management of his behaviour and I'm just worried.

I don't know how much is autism, how much is plain bad behaviour and I suppose I am starting to worry about his future. Can anyone tell me if the behaviour is fairly normal for an ASD child and if it will get better?

I'd like to add that this is the first time I've posted for advice with my sons autism. I've always accepted he has it and I love him as he is, it's difficult to accept though that his autism causes others difficulty. I hate to think people think badly towards him when he is such a lovely boy overall. I suppose I've also worried that I have got things wrong with him in trying to handle his autism and subsequently made things worse

Okay - you need to go and talk to school about his behaviour there. Does he have any support in school? What accommodations have they put in place?
He is running away because he is extremely stressed. When people get very stressed/anxious they have 3 reactions: Flight, Fight or Freeze. At school your son has learnt to Fly (probably because he has learnt how bad fighting is seen.) What needs to happen is the school to try to reduce his stress. In England I'd say you needed to speak to the SENCO and get some plans put in place. And maybe the teacher needs to try to spot the triggers, so that creative solutions to avoid them can be put in place (such as leaving the classroom on a special job before noisy lining up happens or wearing ear protectors).

At home. You need to tell your older son to stop winding the younger one up. To be honest if he purposely does it I would punish him and not the younger one; he can help his behaviour.
He may be being rude - but he probably doesn't understand that. An Autistic child is likely to be honest to the point of rudeness. If you want someone to call you fat - then an Autistic child is probably what you want. He may also be extremely logical, and not understand the language used even though he is articulate; eg. the child at secondary school who was asked "how are your tables?" The child looked puzzled and then stroking the table he was sat at said "they are quite nice really."
He may have told your DH it was "none of his business" because he just wanted to shut up questions, or he just needed quiet.

It is accepting your DS for who he is, and those around him learning how to talk to him, and his quirks will lead to the smoothest future. As for long term, no one can tell. My DD had me called into school every week at Primary, and I worried I would never be able to have a conversation with her; but now is great to chat to and has had positions of responsibility at Secondary. But she still gets stressed about things, can come out with quirky ideas, and we have some amazingly frank conversations about things as she has fewer inhibitions.

Thanks beka.

He has support in school and regularly goes to the nest which is like a quiet room. Instead of playing out at break he is happier going to the lego club. I'm going to arrange a meeting with him.

It's very complicated as unfortunately, he has been on the receiving end and witnessed his father assaulting him or his brother and yelling. I wasn't aware until the start of the year when my older child told me and I immediately informed the police, the father now has an assault charge but despite that, the children still wanted contact and social work thought it best to initiate it, so he sees his father for a few hours a week.

The problem is, none of us are sure how long the father was behaving that way. As a result my son is nervous around males and nervous around loud noises. Coupled with autism too.

We just spoke upstairs and he told me he had a problem with his new teacher. He felt she was mean because she takes away golden time really quickly and gives him hard work. I explained that as he is now primary 4, the work will be a little harder and the teacher will be a little stricter than primary three to help him learn more not to be mean but I will discuss what he has said at the meeting.

I do reprimand DS1, I make it clear he is older and that I see winding ds2 up to be as bad as hitting. He loses Xbox time or is sent to his room. It doesn't really stop him though.

I love both my DS to bits and totally accept DS2's diagnosis. My DD1 is aspergers and I suppose I didn't worry so much with DS2 because I was able to cope with DD1, but he has much more difficulties than she has.

Every person on the spectrum is a different individual on the spectrum. How much does the school/this class teacher know about the background? Especially concerning his father.
It seems you have two issues going on at once. Your ds2's Autism and the abuse that both your boys have experienced.
I don't know much really about the after effects of abuse (the real experts here are often on the adoption board). However one thing to realise is that your son (because of ASD) will be behind in being able to express his emotions and how things have affected him. From my own experience when my son was little (about 5/6) and witnessed something truamatic; was that how it affected him and how much he thought about it didn't come out for months, and when it did come out a bit it was in a play setting. I am a great believer in play and art therapy for children.
If you can't get formal therapy, then some nice time together making things, playing or painting, and opportunities to talk but also just play, might help.

For both of them trying to create a home where people are nice to each other, and definitely reward good behaviour. One tip a friend (who is a paediatric nurse) gave me was to make yourself a star chart, with the aim you spot 10 pieces of good behaviour and reward/notice it, everyday (you give yourself a star for each one). And with your sons you need to try to spot 10 pieces of good behaviour for each of them. You can start out with really really low standards, but then as behaviour improves raise them a bit.
It also helps you remember the good bits.