Need advice re 12 year old stepson

[emma11]

I jsut joined today and had a moan in the step parenting section, and someone very helpfully suggested I post here for help.

Last September my dh's sone (now 12) came to live with us. I have a daughter the same age and have noticed very different behaviour, which my dh puts down to individuality, disruption around his divorce and big changes for all of us, but I don't know if it's just this.

Occasionally I've tried to bring it up that he might have some form of autism or aspergers, but it's a very delicate situation, and can be the spark for a row.

I wondered if I list some of the behaviours whether any mums with children with autism or special needs can tell me if I need to take it further, or whether it's just a case of different standards?

General behaviour - ss has difficulty remembering short term things - where shoes are, following instructions, easily distracted, yet can memorise long lists of things, can remember and sing back songs he's heard only once.

He's not vindictive, but his general manner is quite precocious and can be arrogant, he's always right.

Eating is a problem - will only eat certain foods cooked in a certain way. Fruit has to be cut up, foods mustn't touch on the plate, won't eat a sandwich but will eat ham and bread separately.

manners at the table are poor, he will hold a knife and fork, but uses his fingers to eat as he holds them.

Frequently soils/wets himself as he is too absorbed in a task to make it to the loo on time.

Have to go, as they're nearly home from school, and I dont wnat to get caught on the computer, but please do let me know if you think I should be concerned.

xx

Emma, I don't know the best way to advise you, but wanted to say that you are most certainly not alone. I have two dss's, aged 10 and 13. My oldest dss has generally been an angel whilst my youngest dss has unfortunately been a nightmare and his behaviour in some ways mirrors that of your dss. He is also at times, very aggressive. I too, as you appear to be, played piggy in the middle between him and my dh until finally I put my foot down. I told dh that we would have been failing him as parents if we continued to ignore his strange behaviour. To cut a long story short we went to our GP who referred him to the nearest child and family unit (within a hospital). We waited for over a year for an appointment and over the last few months he has been having regular sessions with an occupational therapist. His behaviour has improved dramatically, well his tantrums in particular, but the strange obsessional kind of behaviour continues and is to be investigated further. He has also been found to have a very high IQ but that he still has some specific learning difficulties. His behaviour has been the cause of so much tension in our home, for all of us. My one regret is that we did not seek help sooner.

Emma, I agree that these sound like signs of Asperger-type behaviour. How are you going to take things further though? Maybe you could speak to your GP on your own and describe the situation unless you think your DH would listen if he realises that you are really serious and it is best for everyone to sort out.

Does someone have a link to that PDD-checklist? Maybe that could be used to convince your dh that further help may be necessary.

Hi again Emma - the PDD checklist Jimjams mentions is one from childbrain.com which I'm always posting links to - you might have found it elsewhere here already.

Anyway, here it is . Do please note it isn't definitive - but those of us with concerns have tended to find that the result it gives matches the severity of our concerns (so, for instance, my ds, who isn't a big worry, scores under the threshold).

The other thing you might look at is the Sally-Anne test, which tests for understanding of other minds. It's designed for younger children really, as it's an ability that is supposed to develop around 5 (so there might be a concern if it hasn't by say 7) but it does sound as if your stepson may have particular difficulty with appreciating others' points of view, so you might get an interesting result? (For links to that I think I might ask Jimjams herself?)

And finally, there are also websites with questionnaires aimed at adult Asperger's, which might be more age-appropriate? - don't have urls for any to hand, but usually can find by searching.

Thanks everyone - that's really helpful, I'll look into the suggestions you make.

You're right, littlemissbossy, I am playing piggy in the middle, but we're a relatively new family unit and it can be difficult to know how much is a settling in process and what may be a problem. I'd really like dh to raise it, and I'd be so supportive, but I can see I'd probably react in a similar way to him if he was suggesting my dd had 'problems'.

The kids are just being 'streamed' at school, and although they both score well academically, my ss may be in a lower group because of his behaviour. If that's the case, this might be a good time to suggest to dh that we approach our gp - just to eliminate any other issues. I'll have to play it by ear, or else take your suggestion Davros, and speak to the gp on my own. Dh did raise the soiling issue with the gp about a year ago, who said it may be stress due to the divorce, so the doctor should be able to take things further if I go back.

Thanks for the PDD checklist suggestion Jimjams, and Binkie, you're great - thanks for the link. I'm a bit of a klutz when it comes to computers - I'd only just worked out how to unscrew my fountain pen - so that's a real help.

Once again, thanks everyone for your postings.

Emma xx