I thought

[SleepingStandingUp]

I thought my two year old would be in nursery
And I would have mothers guilt over how much he loved it
That I would push my career to new levels
To make every single moment apart count.
I thought he would drive me soft with incessant questions
Why and where and what
I thought I would look forward to the peace once he was finally asleep for the night.
I thought we would throw some things in a bag and take him on adventures over the lands.
I thought we'd plan a play mate for once he was 2 or 3.
I thought I would be good enough.

Instead I gave up work to care for him because he needed me so much
And I have mothers guilt over how much he struggles around other kids at playgroup.
My career is the least of my worries and I crave just an hour alone, I pray for space.
I try and interpret uh and ahhh as the only sounds he makes
And I struggle when the kids who are younger find their own voice and their words.
My count down to bed time is tempered by the thoughts of him waking up 5 times.
Sometimes its too hard to even get out the house, with o2 and PEGS and all
Holidays are a nightmare and some days I'd just rather hide.
My husband says no to more because 1 is so hard but really I know he questions if I can cope at all.

I thought I would be good enough but his life is full of my failures. I'm not good enough to be his mom and I don't deserve his love.

We're a round peg in a world of squares of triangles. We don't fit with our friends with "regular" children and our friends whose kids have additional needs or who have lot a child must wonder how I can bear to complain

He's wonderful, and sweet but I wonder who he'll grow to be with me as his mom, if I will ever find the way to show him all he can ever be

Stop being so bloody hard on yourself. All any child needs is loads of love and care - both of which you are doing.

Friend with additional needs kids will totally get where u are coming from and they will keep you sane. I NEED my friends to be able to main and complain - esp.helps if u can find people who face similar challenges.

Your dh is saying no to more because you both have so much on your plate not your ability to be a mum.

You need find some practical support. Ditch normal toddler groups and go to sn groups - it's not so painful

Thanks. Had a really hard day today. We just outgrew the wonderful sn group we were in pre summer. My lovely friends still go but my teaaway has been toddling rpubd be room ad ping shape sorter puzzles for a while. They let us stay on till summer but in many ways developmentally we dont meet criteria. So we're not a triangle but he's on o2 ad peg fed and non verbal and has social issues so he's not a square. He is meant to be going to nursery but the paperwork for a 121 seems never ending, I dont want him into special nursery and mainstream can do him on their own. So were just a lonely round peg that no one can accommodate
My sn friends are very accepting but I feel guilty. He isn't life limited. He is mobile. His developmental delay is more significant because of non verbal but otherwise he's only a little behind atm. How do i have a right to find it hard?

Yes you have every right to be finding it hard .

Try not to compare your lovely very individual DS to others - whether they seem more able or less - it can make you feel resentful or guilty.

You are at a tricky point having left one group and waiting for the nursery one to one to be sorted - and the uncertainty is hard to deal with.