Does anyone find that having a normally developing second child really highlights the problems your first one had at that age?

[colditz]

Ds2, aged nearly 1, took the phone off me today and started mimicing my pitch and tone "Abba dadada babammmmm" into it. i was gobsmacked, rang a frind, and apparently this is all perfectly normal!

Ds1 didn't do this. nothing like this. Ds1, aged 4, has only just this month started pretending to have phone conversations - he seems to have a big mental block when it comes to communications.

I really notice a huge difference between DS1 & DS2.
DS2 is described by my mum as "a real boy!"
DS1 appeared a very placid baby, who never climbed, jumped around etc. He was slow to learn to dress himself, climb, pedal a bike etc. He has always struggled with social situations, finds it hard to show emotions & still has fears for things his younger brother doesn't.
DS2 amazes me in that he will go up & change his entire outfit (DS still needs things laying out for him at 7.5), will sit through a programme like the Numberjacks, while his older brother hides in another room, can pedal a bike & scoot a scooter with ease and almost seems to try to take charge of his older brother.

I love them both to pieces, but would probably not have pushed so much for DS1's referral if it hadn't been for having DS2 as a comparrason.

Some lovely posts,
having two such different children has really made me enjoy their individual achievements more,of course they are both wonderful & just perfect. But for us it was the other way round so we were very aware of ds2's sn from day 1, but also I think we were much more laid back & didn't wrap him in cotton wool I know we weren't that relaxed with ds1.

Well we have some concerns about DS1, as some of you know, but there are still huge differences between him and DS2. It's magnified because they're only 16 months apart in age but it seems more like 4 years.

i remember being constantly amazed at what came naturally to dd2 and in comparison how I had to 'teach' dd1 to do things. I remember being gobsmacked on a number of occasions just staring at dd2 doing something and wondering where the hell it came from.

It also taught me to be complacent. With dd1 i could say anything and she would not repeat it - handy during road rage incidents However I remember walking onto the dds' room one day and telling them it was such a mess i could not even get in the bloody door - only to hear dd2 behind me repeat me word for word - that was a wake up - so now I have to watch everything I say in case it gets repeated - she is such a parrot.

As to dd1 - I just appreciate all the more how far she has come and what she has 'overcome' to achieve what she has. It makes her achievements all the more amazing iyswim.

I'm jealous of you all being able to feel like that. DS1 produced his fisrt Makaton sign aged nearly 8 recently (which he's now using spontaneously), which is great but when I look at ds3 (aged 2) coming out with new words every day I just feel sad (for ds1). It's lovely for ds3, but it just highlights how way behind ds1 is. DS2 is so far ahead now that it doesn't even register, but going through it all again with ds3 is just as painful- he's 6 years younger FGS, I don't find that much to celebrate in one Makaton sign aged 8 tbh- (probably because I don't think it will in any way lead onto spontaneous communication- it will lead ontp a few signs).

Sorry I know I'm raining on a parade here, but just want to be honest. I am proud of the things ds1 achieves, but taking pride in one sign depresses the hell out of me as well.

Gess - you're not raining on anyones parade hon'. It's so different for everyone. And there are plenty that feel the same as you.

And BH I agree with your post. I often think that knowing I had a child with SN's from the second she was born and pretty much knowing how it was going to be and having her first so I had nothing to compare it all to really helped with the whole deal.

BTW- when I go into ds1's school (spent some time there last week in his class of 6 severely autistic children- only one had any speech at all) I love it. They were 6 lovely children, and it was great to see how much they could do- and how much they can achieve and how they can 'be' in their own environment. The problem is the real world. It's very difficult for us to access anything at all, and almost impossible to meet the needs of the 3 children without splitting up into different factions. A lot of the stuff that we can't do ds1 would enjoy, if only he could access it.

And to prove my point ds2 (aged 5- reception class) is reading this aloud over my shoulder (how on earth did he learn to do that?) so I'd better stop!

I've had it both ways, a nt older sibling and then nt younger siblings. I used to get people telling me oh, he's a boy, and she was a fast developer, don't compare them, etc, knowing all along that something wasn't right.
Then the dts came along, and seeing them developing soo quickly. They would amaze me at how quick they picked things up, and then when I realised that they could walk better than him, feed themselves better than him, when they are 3 years younger. They was loving and cuddly much earlier too, and sang before he did. It all feels so wrong.
I think they helped though, in getting others to take my concerns seriously, when they realised I wasn't jsut comparing him to his older sister. And the other sad thing is that they have actually taught him things. He actually went through the terrible twos and started tantruming when they did, and is now actually naughty sometimes (he was incredibly passive).

I hear you, colditz!

DD2 was speaking at 11 months, pointing, etc.

Very different from DD1.

But they're different in so many ways, too.

DD1 is very laid-back, for example, whilst DD2 is quite feisty.

I have been stunned at just the difference in babbling, I can't begin to imagine what some of the differences are like for you guys.

DD is delayed in her speech - not by a lot, but noticeable amongst her peers iyswim. DS has just turned one and is babbling for all he's worth constantly - he does the phone babbling etc. DD just didn't, and I hadn't realised until I had #2 and can see how much he chatters all the time.

Its amazing how the normality of your own family comes crashing down when you mix with women/adults who have such 'normal' families. I went out to a work colleagues house last night with a couple of other women. They are all good friends and great company, but talking about children, nightime rituals and the like really brought it home to me how different as a family we are. It made me feel sad, even though I adore my own family and its 'us'. Its hard to explain but sometimes, when you are not expecting it, it whacks you hard in the face. But I am a realist and my Mum thinks I have a habit of facing everything in order to be prepared and to 'feel'. I am a deep induvidual, not a shallow person so I need to accept before I can move forwards, irrespective of what my children are saying and doing.

I am immenseley proud of dd but by god it can be hard. Ds is apparently on the other end of the spectrum and as gess says, it doesnt make it any easier for me to think he finds it so easy and dd struggles with everything. The only thing that keeps me half sane is the fact she has no idea how different she is. She is not affected by society's perception of her, she is just her and we are just us.

I still feel sad looking through baby photos and last week, sitting through ds's easter show, I felt upset at the differences in our lives. Proud parents, and I dont resent them, but such a world away from the special school experience of the easter bonnet parade. I feel sad for ds too, why cant his life be 'normal'? and no matter how hard we try to make it so, it really will never happen.

Thank you HW- that's exactly how I feel. It's the massive unbridgeable gap, and the isolation comes from so few people even realising that that huge gap exists.

Hi folks
I know its nothing to do with anything but this morning I have woken up really positive and thanking my lucky stars for what myself and my family have. Each other.
Last night I watched Crimewatch, grim viewing at the best of times, there was a mother whose son had just become the victim of a fatal stabbing for absolutely no reason whatsoever!!!! (wxxkers). To see that torturerd mums face was terrible. Luckily (or spitefully) for me I could turn off the telly and forget. She won't. I am just so grateful this morning for my family and thankful for my cards, however hard they are, I have been dealt with in this life.

I am always aware that I am very lucky that ds is doing so well, and I might well feel very differently if he had a severe disability.
Was a big surprise to see dd (just two) hop onto a scooter at the weekend and just start scooting! Ds can't do that. Or ride a bike.

god I could have written this thread title

I've had it the other way too my first three all NT so DS4's developmental delay is so apparent. He will be 2 in June and he's only just started doing what the others were doing at 9-10 months.

Somedays I just enjoy the fact that my last baby will be a baby for longer than the others, other days I feel down and exhausted at caring for my 'perpetual' 9 month old.

My ds1 (almost 6) is awaiting his first appt at CAMHS, so for all we know, there may be nothing wrong with him, but we have noticed how completely different ds2 (almost 3) is to how ds1 was at the same age. Perhaps it is just their personalities, but ds2, despite all his medical problems, has progressed much faster than ds1 did. Ds1 never really played with toys in that he never used them in the way they were meant to be used, ds2 has no such problem. We can clearly identify that ds1 lacked imaginative play at that age and that he had no emotional responses to things (still doesn't really).

Like I said, it could be something, it could be nothing more than their polar opposite personalities. There are however some lovely posts in this thread, it makes very humbling reading.

in answer to the op, yes it happens all the time. dressing, washing, playing, etc etc

one thing that really sticks in my throat is at mealtimes, dd1 is still struggling (and always will, hemiplegia) with knife/fork use, also the food gets everywhere like she's a much younger child. i have spent hours over the years teaching and helping her to get to this stage, plus worrying about it all the time as well

then i look across at dd2, 4 years younger, makes less mess and uses cutlery no problem, i didn't really even have to teach her to use it, she just taught herself by copying us i guess.
feels really painful when sitting at the table all together.

dd2 will soon be having swimming lessons which dd1 couldn't cope with a few years back as well.

i'm happy for dd2 of course, and obviously never voice these feelings, but my heart does hurt for dd1 all the time.

anyone else find it hard to switch from 'sn mum' to 'nt mum'? i constantly do. it took me ages to accept being 'sn mum', then when dd2 came along, i find it even harder switching back again now!

colditz, I haven't read the whole thread, but yes, absolutely. I didn't realise how atypical a lot of DS1's development had been until DS2 came along and started copying me on the phone and so on and so forth.