How did you decide to have another child after ASD diagnosis

[Wildfox90]

My partner and I have a now three year old son, who has recently been diagnosed ASD - we had worries for quite some time, and thankfully these were addressed quickly by a team of professionals and our son is now receiveing a great amount of support. For which we are very grateful.

We had always wanted other children, perhaps one or two more. I have a long history of miscarriages and ectopics before having our son, and that pregnancy was a very difficult one. But with our son's recent diagnosis, I'm worried it would be selfish to have more children. How would he cope? How would we cope? What if a second child also has ASD? Can I manage the prospect of trying to get pregnant and still give my son the level of care he's used to if I miscarry? Could I even manage a pregnancy and looking after our son, if it was as difficult as the last one, I'm not sure I could. Is it selfish to want another? Or would it be selfish to have one?

What have other parents done? Or what would you do? How do you move forward and make peace with a decision either way?

I feel like there's a lot to consider and I feel a bit lost. When I look at my son I'm overwhelmed with love and sadness, and I just want to give him the best possible life and as many opportunities as we can.

Thanks for taking the time to read,

From a very emotional and lost mum!

My eldest was diagnosed when he was 9, I have a younger son who is absolutely fine so it did work out ok. I understand the anxiety as I have been through it myself after problem pregnancies. ASD is a really wide spectrum and my eldest son is independent, happy but needs support with focus and organising. I think having a sibling has helped him become more responsible. I don't know the support that your son requires and the impact a 2nd child would have. Access all the support you can and talk through your fears. Are you able to have a short break? Sometimes taking a step back to think helps. (Sorry I wasn't much help but wanted to respond)

Hi, I was already pregnant with my second son when my eldest one was diagnosed. My eldest is relatively able and it has actually had a very positive impact on him he adores his brother he even gets upset with me when I tell the younger one off lol saying 'mum he's only a baby'! They are 6yrs and 2yrs old. I think it has taught him a lot having a younger sibling

I did worry about my second son but he seems fine up until now...I will definitely not go on to have a third though, I would like to give two my full attention!

It all definitely depends on how u think it will affect your family dynamics, your son and his needs etc.. good luck! And about coping I have a friend who has two autistic boys and went on to have third NT boy.. she said it's definitely hard but it's crazy how we adjust and just get on with it coz that's all you can do really !

Thank you so much for your response - it was really helpful! I'm relieved to hear I'm not crazy having anxiety about the situation! I think currently it's unclear just how affected my son is at the moment. He is high functioning, but very sensory, and currently struggles with communication, although he's saying more words all the time. He is very easily stressed by new situations, but he is okay with other children. We live in France and he has attended our local crèche full time for the past year, he doesn't play with others, but isn't against playing near them and I think being full time really helped his understanding of sharing, but he is becoming more difficult.

He is supposed to start school in September, and currently both the directrice at the crèche and the school are working alongside his doctor and therapist to formulate a plan going forward. Funding has just been approved for him to have a full time support worker with him and I think our plan is part time school, part time crèche for this year and full time school next year while we work on his communication. He'll have two sessions of speech therapy and a play therapy session every week as well. So support wise, I think we are doing really well and have all angles covered. I guess I'm just anxious about family life! And making sure I have his needs covered at home. Maybe it's too soon to make any kind of decision, and we should wait to see how he progresses this year.

A break would be lovely! I was considering trying to take a weekend in novemeber to surprise a friend in the uk for her birthday. That might just give me the time i need to reflect on it all and also reassess how our son is coping now he has the support he needs.

Thank you so much for your reply, honestly felt a wave of relief wash over me reading your response.

Hi Sel!

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!

I think my other big fear at the moment (rather selfishly) is having PND again, I had it really terribly, it was awful, I sought help and wasn't given the support I wanted/needed just had anti depressants thrown at me. It really wasn't the right thing for me, so I didn't take them (which I don't regret) but it was a long road to recovery. That was in the UK though. I feel I might get the support I need here. Perhaps it's something my partner and I should speak to our doctor about before considering a pregnancy.

I was told I was selfish for having more children as my daughter has asd even though I was pregnant with my son before knowing. But my dd absolutely thrives of her brothers and sister , so I don't feel it was selfish at all.

Hi Wildfox. Hope you are feeling better today!

That was part of my worry, I thought it might be selfish to have more, but on the flip side, and as others have said it might be good for him to have a sibling?

I'm just so torn and so up and down about it all. If we don't have another one i think we would regret it, but that sounds horrible to say because of course, our son should be enough.

Urgh I just don't know, a "friend" told me I'm making it into more of an issue than it needs to be... maybe I am

We aren't in this situation as our SN daughter was number 2 and we had always only planned on 2 children, but had she been our first it definitely would have been a more difficult decision for all the reasons you have stated. Ultimately (I think) I would have gone for it - as no matter what, you would never regret having another child (with or without ASD) but you may regret not having one...

Zzzzz - I know I said "how would we cope", that wasn't so much to do with us not being capable of caring for another child (SN or otherwise and especially given I grew up as the main care give for two SN brothers and a severly mentally unstable mother), our main concern if for our son, and how he will cope and how we can help him through a change in the current family dynamic.

He has a great support network set up now and I'm hoping once we see how he's doing in the coming months we can make a decision.

ultimately I think we would regret not having another - it was always our plan. I just think we need to carefully plan as best we can.

Thank you for all of the responses, it's lovely to hear such positive changes for your families, it has certainly taken some of my anxiety away!

DS is autistic and is an only child, I don't see it as selfish to have another child but sometimes I do feel selfish for opting to have just the one. I just don't think I would manage with the extra stress as DS needs a high level of 1:1 attention and all the associated expenses have cost a fortune so I just wouldn't be able to afford it. He struggles with change and would hate all the disruption you have to deal with when there's another baby. I do admire people who manage it but ultimately I don't regret the decision, it's an easier life for me as I know other mums of children with SN with bigger families have to juggle a lot more and stretch their finances further and I would hate the stress.

DS is an only. Not out of choice though as I had him very young. By the time DS has a sibling, it would be a large age gap. I personally will have another (whether SN or not) only because I've had the time to put in so much support for DS in his younger needs (as an only child) so when he gets much older (yes he will still need my support) he wouldn't need so much support and I will have the time to equally focus on him and my hypothetical children.

If I had more than one child, with a close-ish age gap. I don't think I would of handled the stress of getting the support DS needs whilst still balancing my other children's needs. Who knows ? Maybe I would have been able to cope. But then again, I'm a single parents so this clouds my judgement a bit. If I had a supportive partner, then I would most likely will cope.

Pregnancy unfortunately is a gamble, it may not be ASD, it may be something else altogether. Just think and plan carefully and do what's best for you and your family.

Dd is under assessment for ASD and is an only child. We decided not to have another and although I think it is the right thing for us, I do have an underlying sadness, as does my H I think.

Dd does absolutely love her little Cousins though, I am so pleased they all have each other! She does get so jealous and competitive though!

Take your time to think it through and go with your gut instinct on what feels right for you.

I

I think this is a finely balanced decision and either choice will ultimately work out. We have three, and I think that's on balance great for our autistic child, but it definitely makes it much harder to provide support sometimes, to implement stuff like sensory diets etc. And it's hard to not look unfair quite a lot.

But having siblings is support in itself (as well as being very very annoying, apparently!). And when I think about the future I'm really glad she'll have two brothers to look out for her.

It sounds like you have a lot of challenges to consider op. But I don't think guilt should feature at all. My first child has hf ASD and then I had two NT children. I definitely think my children's lives are better for having each other. And both the youngest are priveleged to have my eldest as a sibling. She can be challenging to have around but is also happy to play much younger games than other 11 year olds would, which benefits my 8 year old, and shows amazing empathy for my toddler, including interpreting when we can't understand what he's trying to say and putting her ear defenders on him to stop him being scared of the hoover!

My son was diagnosed at 2.5 (we had suspicions from about 12 months), but I fell pregnant with his brother when he was only 6 months old so no decision to make there! I always said that it was meant to be, because otherwise we might have worried about having a second child.

We then went on to have a daughter a few years later. Siblings have really helped him to learn how to be around noise/people etc. They are able to reach him in a way that others can't. I'm also grateful that he will have 2 adults in his life who love him when his dad and I are no longer here.

My son was diagnosed at 2.5 (we had suspicions from about 12 months), but I fell pregnant with his brother when he was only 6 months old so no decision to make there! I always said that it was meant to be, because otherwise we might have worried about having a second child.

We then went on to have a daughter a few years later. Siblings have really helped him to learn how to be around noise/people etc. They are able to reach him in a way that others can't. I'm also grateful that he will have 2 adults in his life who love him when his dad and I are no longer here.