Waiting for an assessment... how much do I concede meantime?

[utterlyconfused]

Sorry, wasn't sure what title to put. I won't go into too much detail as it's not really relevant. We are awaiting an assessment for dyspraxia for ds2 who is almost 5, after years of behavioural probs.
It is far from clear-cut; some of the main symptoms absolutely don't apply to him, but I do think it's worth looking at.
What I am wondering is this: there are things that he doesn't deal well with. One is interacting with other children of his own age (he's ok as part of a big group as he can withdraw, but not good with one or two others either in our home or someone else's). The other current issue is swimming - hates his lessons.
My dilemma is that firstly, his teacher (he is pre-school as we are scotland) says that he needs to get used to socialising - practise - as he doesn't really click with anyone in the class. But when I try to get together with other kids outside school, he either just wants to get away from them or is horrible to them and I just don't feel it's worth pushing.
Secondly, I feel quite strongly about the swimming lessons. Both older siblings went without as I always had a baby/toddler and with no support network it simply wasn't feasible. Now they are suffering as they are way behind their peers. Ds2 is a big lad and a whole head taller than the other children in his group, but not at all competent. But he really hates these lessons and I hate torturing him.
Now it could be that there is no disorder there at all - my question is, would/should my response to these issues be different depending on whether he is dyspraxic or not?
Sorry, that's turned out to be long but I just don't know how to be a good mother to this child at the moment.

UC, I think it might be helpful to take the pressure of all of you for a little while.
Could you all go swimming together at the weekends instead? My DS2 hated lessons too, but learnt really quickly when we went swimming as a family - he responded really well to the more informal approach.
Your DS2 is very young, and whilst socialising is important, this doesn't really have to be in any formalised way ie: inviting friends over for tea.
Could you maybe just let him socialise in his own way - and if he's already fine in a group situation then school won't be a problem.

It's not that he's fine in a group situation, it's that it's not such an issue. They do their thing, he does his. But he feels the pressure of their presence if it's only one or two others and comes to tell me he doesn't want them their, or just won't co-operate if you're eg trying to get them to play outside. I have really taken a step back from it, as you say, just to avoid the agro, but his teacher feels he needs to get better at it. He isolates himself in class, but at times, gives unwanted attention (in yer face) to his peers which show a lack of empathy.

Re swimming, my ds1 who is 8, loves it, has always been a water baby, loves diving etc, but because of lack of lessons, now looks really inept at his school swimming lessons. As I'm sure is common, they won't take formal instruction from us.

Maybe think about easing off to give you both a bit less pressure, he's only 5, lots of time for socialising. Our pre-school here is very keen for children to socialise ++but as a person who likes my own space and to socialise on my own terms, I don't really understand why there's so much pressure. Maybe when he's a bit older he'll be asking you whether his friends can come round,

I guess in theoryif your DS has dyspraxia it makes sense to find swimming lessons difficult but have no personal experience. I'd second family swimming as making it fun and less stressful would maybe help.

You are being a good mother because you are trying to work out what's best for your ds right now, think if it was me I'd be tempted to take a step back and focus on some thing that he and you enjoy doing,

If he does have dyspraxia, he is going to find swimming very difficult. He is only 5, I think you need to relax a little. I would ease off on the swimming, couldn't you find another activity instead? If you could find something that he coudl become good at, it might boost his confidence and help with the social skills. I would suggest something liek trampolining. We have a small trampoline and a little bouncy castle in the garden, and ds loves them, and they have helped him a lot.

My ds1 has hypermobility and is also thought to be either dyspraxic or autistic. He didn't really get into socialising until recently starting school (he is now 4.8). I think for him, he just suddenly clicked, but we didn't put any pressure on him. I actually kept him out of preschool until very late on, because I knew he would find the social aspects of it hard. ds can't swim at all, but he does love going swimming and havign a good splash. Learnign to swim can wait until later.

Interesting what you both say because the dyspraxia foundation website suggests that swimming is a good activity as the floating aspect actually makes it less of a problem for him. I really appreciate your comments. I guess it'll be easier if he is diagnosed because I'll be able to make more sense of some things. But pending diagnosis, and he if they say he's not dyspraxic... presumably there may be more assessments for other things, but do you think it's the right thing just to take a step back and accept that there are just things he doesn't like and allow him to grow into them? It upsets me that the school are being so "pushy" and not just letting him evolve in his own time.

swiiming takes a lot of co-ordination though, which people with dyspraxia often lack. I think for my ds it would be more useful later on when he gets a bit more control and awareness over his movements. ds can't ride a trike yet, so there is no way he could manage swimming for a few years.

I agree totally wiht what you are saying and I would maybe have a word with the nursery and tell them that you would rather he was given a bit of space. Have you had a referral to a physio yet? Our physio diagnosed hymobility and we are now waiting for an occupational therapist who should be able to throw more light on whether ds has dyspraxia.

btw, that's the approach I've always taken with ds, letting him evolve in his own time, whilst providing the support he nees.

Thanks Kelly, I appreciate your support. So is it two separate assessments? The psychologist has referred us for the assessment and I spoke to her last week and she said she was going to chase them up about it. What is "hypomobility"? The thing I find difficult is that my ds is not a clear SN, whereas I imagine some children are. There is a chance that he simply has a behavioural problem. The approach that the school is taking is "this child does not socilaise well and we all need to help him to get better at it" rather than "this child has SN and we all need to understand that this means that he will find some things more difficult than other children do".
Kelly, when did you realise that your ds may have SN?

hypermobility is excessively flexible joints and it causes motor problems.
I first had concerns when he was a bit late to reach milestones. Walking, sitting etc. were all a good few months late, and he didn't say his first word until he was 3. He's also had social problems, used to sit and stare into space for hours at a time, didn't want to interact with others at all, often didn't even seem to see them. That is why his paed suspects autism as well.

Hopefully once you see a paed you will have a bit more back up but it is incredibly hard, and I think a lot of parents probably experience the same. Ds's preschool kept dismissing his problems as him being 'a bit slow', despite the paed's reports, but he did get loads of support. My HV would make me feel really guilty for having concerns and tell me I shouldn't think of him like that! He started school in Jan and his school is brilliant, immediately his teacher wanted to refer him to CASS and get some assessments done. The waiting list for the physio was a year, so he didn't get the hypermobility dx until a month ago. Though really, we are still waiting for a full dx, because the paed doesn't feel that all of his issues can be explained by hypermobility.

It depends what professionals you have assess your ds. We were referred to a paed that did a multi disciplinary assessment over the course of 5 two hour sessions. I think if you don't get anywhere with the dyspraxia assessment, it would be worth asking for. Our multidisplinary didn't include a physiotherapist, so I had to get that referral seperately, and now the physio wants him to see an occupational therapist and his paed is hoping that will throw some light on his dyspraxic tendancies. Sorry if this is totally confusing!