What 'rules' do you have in place for your ASD child?

[TieGrr]

DD is 6 and I've noticed recently that I seem to be 'coaxing' her and bribing her to do things a lot of the time, rather than telling her what we need to do. Obviously, with an ASD child, there has to be some leeway as to what they can manage but I seem to avoid telling her 'no' if I can help it, especially in public, because I'm worried she'll have a meltdown (or a tantrum - sometimes it's hard to tell the difference).

I'm wondering if I'm doing her a disservice by not working harder to manage her behaviour - am I just taking the easy option by organising the world for her?

For example, I don't insist she sits at the table when she eats. If I want her to stay at the table, I'll give her my phone to play with or let her watch television. Sometimes I'll even feed her myself - it's important to note here that she doesn't have any issues with food or texture and is capable of feeding herself.

There's times she doesn't want to sit in her car seat. On those occasions, I'll usually give her a snack or something - often my phone - to distract her.

She has issues using the toilet. I'll often give her a Haribo or my phone (again) to get her to use it.

She can go for days without a meltdown but looking more closely, it's usually because I've bribed her to do what I want her to do.

She's a lovely child and most of the time, she's happy as anything. But I don't know if I should be firmer about some things rather than presuming she can't do something because of ASD.

Can anyone relate? Do you push (for want of a better word) your children to obey certain house rules? How do you know what's ASD and what's caused by lax parenting?

I can soo relate! I find it hard to know when to discipline vs to give in and like u wonder what actual favours we are doing for our kids in the long run! It's so so hard to know what battles to pick, when to give in and not....

Thanks, Sel. I thought I was doing fine, then spent a week with the ILs and they told me I was being too lax and cautious around her. It's made me completely doubt myself.

I'm going to look into some kind of parenting course, I think.

But it's weird coz different professionals say different things. For example the peadritician who we saw said to definitely accommodate and to pick battles but on the whole she said to accommodate. But then you have schools saying no you have to be firm etc.. so it's confusing as conflicting advice is given!! What's ils?

In laws.

We were staying with them so I was really conscious of DD being out of her routine and probably a little over-cautious in trying to keep her happy.

It sounds like you understand your DD very well and are able to minimise her anxiety about certain things and therefore avoid a meltdown due to distress. Not lax parenting at all; don't let your in laws comments wobble you too much.

I remember telling the paediatrician I was worried I was bribing DS when he was younger, and she told me to look at it as positive reinforcement and reasonable adjustments, rather than bribery.

If you feel like you are using screens / sweets too much as tools you could look to introduce a different kind of positive reinforcement? I wouldn't just take everything away at once tho - maybe concentrate on the one thing for now that you feel you'd like to change a bit.

We use screens a lot for DS and they relax him far more than anything else.

Other parents might frown but they are not parenting my child, I am - plus they are very probably viewing if through a neurotypical lense and how they parent their children wouldn't work with mine (and vice versa).

So I just wanted to say your know your DD best and what works for her (and you) to keep your family happy and relaxed.

I really appreciate that, Marshmallow.

MIL's point was that the world won't be set up to accommodate DD when she's older so if I don't push her now and be firmer with boundaries, she'll struggle then.

But she's not the one who has to listen to DD screaming for an hour if I do push her boundaries. She's not the one who has to hold her back while she tries to kick and hit and bite.

Ah Tie* if I had a penny for every time I had heard someone say that...

Trust your instincts. Nod politely at your inlaws suggestions but do what you know is right for your DD.

My DS is 8, nearly 9 now, and things have got easier. He's learning to navigate the world but it's been through us meeting him where he is, rather than forcing him to capitulate - that never ends well and he doesn't 'learn' by it for next time. He learns through compassion and understanding. Hang on in there.

Oh also, if you haven't already read / heard of it, I thoroughly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that book changed our lives.

Only my middle has asd (6yrs). Older has adhd (8)and youngest is troublesome 4.

We have house rules. Everyone sits at the table until meal is finished. They have to pit their plates in the sink when getting down from the table. Then one helps me wash up (rota)

We have visual timetable and stick to same routine daily for meals. So dc know what to expect. I also have timer when I'm about to serve tea set to 10mins so dc know they have to finish up what they are doing

Middle dc after meal moves his meal card and puts up his tv card or ipad card on his timetable.

Breakfast we have cartoons on tv in the kitchen.

I thoroughly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

It's been on my radar for a while, but haven't got round to buying it yet. I'll take a look - thanks for the recommendation.

The point about meeting our kids where they are strikes a chord with me.

Allthewaves

Thanks for sharing. So it seems like you have a good compromise between 'rules' and making accommodation for your DCs - with timers, visual timetables, etc.