Some advice regarding my son please

[mummy2three2014]

My son is 5, just going into primary 2. I am concerned about him, but mainly i am worrying that i am failing him by not getting him help.

He has always been 'different' to my other kids, he has always had more challenging behaviour and to be honest his launguage is awful, i dont mean speak i mean bad words.

Nursery was pretty much a nightmare, he struggled to settle, was supposed to be there for 3 hours 10 min a day over 5 days in the end we had to settle for an hour for a few months before he settled.

His frustration is terrible and also his temper, i had to finish him early from nursery as other parents had made it clear their kids wouldnt be returning until mines left :-( he once topples a waist height book case within the nursery. I was getting a phone call dailiy to collect him. the nursery swayed with him back and forth mentioning adhd one week and the next how good he was just to forget it.

He grows frustrated with lots of things which then turns to anger and everyone gets it.

Sadly i have realised there are certain places which he seems to struggle with, soft play being the main one close behind is a busy play park, we can only really go at the end of the day once others have left.

At school he struggled to settle at first, once hitting his teacher within the first three weeks. I have been extremely lucky that his teacher is an absolute diamond and i trully believe without her and the deputy head he would have been disqualified, the work they have put in with him has been amazing.

they have in place a task card which he holds at his desk, it is broken into four boxes and has interchangable velcro stickers so changes wich each section of the day ie, writting reading, numbers, break then after reak the teacher has changed it to what happens in the next section of the day and so on.

He doesnt handdle outside play very well, to many kids running around and he always ends up in trouble.

he is in top reading and writing group in his class

doesnt like anyone touching his stuff at all, gets very regimental in his ways of thinking, for example at a caravan holiday recently we decided to take part in some swimming lessons and brought along his younger sister but he was determined she was not to join in to the point he became so distressed we had to leave.

sometimes his sisters just talking in the car gets him upset, to the point he screams and cries. has issues with his socks and shoes, as soon as he comes home at night from school before he has even made his way through the hall he has stripped to his boxers for comfort. would happily become a recluse indoors, sometimes having to force him to leave the house for fresh air.

there is so much more that concerns me, but with him getting bigger it is becoming harder to reason with him at times.

I know people are going to think that i am jumping on a bandwaggon here but my neice has recently been diagnosed autistic, she is 3 and the similarities between the two of them are scary, everything that my sister is explaing to me i am having the same issues with my son, some of which other family memebers have mentioned to me.

any advice would be appreciated

What does the school say? It's great they're being supportive so far. If you are concerned, which you obviously are, go to the GP and ask for a referral. Make sure you mention your niece. Don't be fobbed off as it will probably be a long drawn out process to get him seen or assessed by the appropriate people - may as well start now. Take a list of behaviours, much as you've written here. Good luck!

From your post it does sound like your DS has sensory issues and is a rigid thinker. That might be ASD or PDA. You sound like you are in Scotland - do you have a SENCO in your school? Ask the SENCO and last year's teacher if they think ASD might be a possibility. They may think not but don't let that put you off (we waited for 3 years for someone at our school to mention something but they never did and they were vague when I finally asked outright!). If they support your thoughts they can help start a referral for ASD - warning it can take quite a long time if this is the first time you've had contact with services about this so don't give up. If they don't help try to find out if you can self refer to your speech & Language therapy service and ask them if they can help with his speech and also in to the Social & Communication assessment pathway. There is a different route in different areas but maybe sister can explain how it worked for your niece. Once you have got the diagnosis you can think about asking for a Statement of SEN at school. Again that takes ages but it might mean he can choose a school who have specialist ASD provision rather than go to your closest school for secondary. Getting into an autism friendly school environment is the best thing you can do for him - otherwise his "bad" behaviour will attract more negative attention as he gets older. Also brace yourself for suggestions that it is your parenting - so just make sure you have lots of examples (like u typed above) ready to show how he's a bit different. Good luck

Thanks MoMandaS and tartanterror,
Yes we are in Scotland, to be honest School havent really said much apart from what is working for them. He always seems to get worse in the lead up to christmas, for example there was a vast difference in his behaviour at nursery once the christmas tree went up and all the singing started, I know this sounds silly but it is true.

At nursery I put it down to being young but then a decline came in his behaviour in the lead up to christmas last year too, so i explained what had happened at nursery and told them that he doesnt seem to cope when its all buzz buzz buzz, so they tried to tame things a little in the class and made sure he had plenty of quiet time, which really seemed to work. With regards to the playground enviroment when he's struggling sometimes they alow him to ask a friend if they want some ipad time instead of outside, not always but i think they can sence when hes having a difficult time.

I have no idea about a school SENCO, or if im honest what one is. I do know that my daughters friend in primary 5 is autistic and he has an assigned classroom assistant who helps him when he is struggling, is this along the same lines?

other little things i have noticed, which might just be me over analizing now but if he has some ipad time at home (he gets 1 hour in the evening on school nights) if it is something exciting or really funny he does this thing waving his hands. He also finds it difficult to sit at peace and you often find him running the length of the couch.

I feel these things are becoming more noticable now, simply because my neice has an OT who is saying alot of her stuff is classic and i find now me and my mum are looking at each other whispering my sons name.

Am i being rediculous, is it just coincidental?

Thanks again for taking the time to write to me

None of those things are ridiculous to anyone who knows how autism can manifest. My son can't cope with Christmas either, for example, because everything's too different. When you ask for referral, tell them what school says is helping, because that can give them an idea of his difficulties, if you see what I mean. SENCO means Special Educational Needs Coordinator and in England (don't know about Scotland) every educational setting has to have one. They don't tend to give assistance in the classroom but they help with strategies, funding etc.

Look up sensory processing disorder - most or all autistic children have sensory issues, I think.

To see if anything fits your son, I mean - running the length of the couch sounds familiar and can be to do with getting the right kind of sensory input for him.

Sounds very similar to our daughter who is 4. She cant cope around lots of people and noise. She was diagnosed at 2 with autism and sensory processing disorder. She cannot spoon feed herself and has medication for sleep. You are at the beginning of a long road ahead and you will learn like we all do to fight for everything. If you can afford it maybe consider some private assesments which will help you as the waiting lists can be forever and it sounds as if you all need some help and understanding now. We too spend our days mostly at home as she feels safe and refuses to go anywhere some days. She left nursery after 6 months as was becoming violent and that was even with a 1-1 support worker. She is meant to be starting school in sept but we are currently having to fight to get her a special needs school placement, its never ending so know exactly what your going through and the stress and pressure it puts on the whole family. Best of luck

ok so sorry to re-start this post but i need advice on how to deal with the school.

My son has come home upset from school last night. It was pretty much raining all dy yesterday and they had wet play, in his school this means that they remain in their class at morning break and kids from primary 7 (year just before high school) come and monitor the class.

A primary 7 boy, who would be around 10/11 years old greated my son with 'oh no its you' to be fair this could have been a joke and was not what got my back up. But my son then went on to take a drink from his water bottle and the primary 7 boy squezzed the bottle in his face whilst my son was drinking it, which resulted in my son getting covered. He retaliated and sprayed the boy with water.

The primary 7 then reported my son but failed to mention he started it, he was then sent to the head teacher and was told she was making a note of his behaviour on her computer and that she would be texting me. I never received any communication from the school.

my son has adamantly said that he tried to explain to his own class teacher and to the head and that noone would listen to him, he said they ignored him, he has now lost time from his golden time on friday.

i went to the office this morning to ask about what happened as i understand little ones dont always give full/accurate stories. the head was in a class teaching as a teacher had called sick so she is phoning me at home now.

the girl in the office said that my son went on a 'mini crime spree' and that he soacked someone and stuck his middle finger up.

i told her what he had told me and imediately she said oh so the primary 7 started it?

how do i address this with the head when she calls?

I would tell her your son's side of the story first. Then ask why they are leaving children unsupervised (have I understood this right?) by any adults. Who saw him smack someone/ make rude gesture? Was it an adult? If not, how can they prove it happened?

Hi MoMandaS,
Thanks, yes you are understanding right, they get a 15 minute break in the morning just after 10am, where they usually go outside, however on a wet day they are kept in their classroom to colour in, draw or other fun tasks, teacher goes to staff room and 2 primary 7 pupils are brought to monitor the class whilst the teacher has her/his tea break, this seems to be common practice in primary schools in this area.

My son did not tell me about making a rude gesture and it is all very well possible that he did, I know myself my son is no angel, but i fel so upset that he has been picked on by a pupil much older than him who thought it was funny to abuse his position of authority over a 6 year old, and when it back fired on him he shopped my son and failed to mention that he had instigated it.

The head teacher has still not phoned yet, I actually have the gut feeling the call will not come, should i speak to his teacher at home time if the head does not call?

I'm sorry for being a pest but im really quite troubled by how upset he was last night x

sorry just noticed, that shouldnt have said smacked it was supposed to read SOAKED :-) typing whilst upset doesnt work with me

I'm amazed by that, to be honest! Yes I would speak to the class teacher asking for clarification and ask how they will prevent such a situation arising again. I would avoid blaming the older boy, as such, while at the same time refusing to accept any blame on your son, because the blame lies with the staff for failing to adequately supervise the children in their care. I would keep calmly making this point rather than discussing the nitty gritty of the incident, because actually anything could have happened - it could have escalated and older boy could have hit your son, or vice versa, or similar.

 that all sounds very familiar to my experience when my DS was younger.

If I was you, I would write a list similar to your original post and ask your GP for a referral to a development paediatrician.
I would also add on the extra things school are doing to support him too.

For immediate discussion with school - you could say you have a few concerns about his development and are going to ask for a referral through your GP.
Say you are aware that he's finding unstructured times like playtimes and wet play quite difficult and is there any thing else they could be doing to support him.

If he's like my DS at that age he was constantly misinterpreting social situations / being stealthily goaded, but was unable to explain or understand why to school so he was often getting into trouble; when what he needed was far more guidance and support, and understanding.

Oh there should have been some at the start there

Im judging by the older kids comment on entering the room that he has issues with my son and possibly vice versa so i think it would be in everyones interest and in the interest of safety that this kid doesnt monitor his class again

That's really well put, mummy. Say that to the head if you didn't/don't get anywhere with class teacher.

Ok, so went to the school at 3pm and hung back so as to speak to his teacher after everyone had left. She told me that she was not in the class at the time of the incident, which i already knew.

She said that both her and the head had a meeting with my son today and her words were 'it became clear that he had not told you about him swearing or raising his middle finger'

she said that on the monday she had been told that a primary 7 child squeezed his bottle and that my son then sprayed him back but also caught a monitor and the blinds in the classroom then he swore and raised his middle finger.

I asked was this all in retaliation to the older child and she said yes, i then told her exactly what my son had told me the night previous. Only then was he called back and she asked who the primary 7 was who started the incident.

it now appears to me that they are emphasising on the swearing and middle finger and the water which my son sprayed in retaliation to the older child.

I did state that I didnt think it was now appropriate for this older child to be monitoring younger children now. she has told me that there was an adult present in the classroom also.

I am totally gobsmacked.... I have now emailed the head teacher as when i got home i have a missed call on the house phone at 2.51pm, my children come out of school at 3pm, she was obvioulsy not on for any sort of a discussion :-)

i have made it clear that i do not have issue with my child being diciplined at all when it is appropriate and fair. I have always backed the school when dicipline has come into play, always. I am not a mother that is under faulse illusion of my child being perfect, they are all far from that but i dont think the way this has been dealt with has been fair, am i wrong?

I have asked why when an adult was present was the primary 7 allowed to conduct himself in that mannor? why was the situation allowed to escalate to that stage?

I wait with baited breath, unfortunately this is a new head teacher and i had become confident in the last one with dealing with issues with my son. i feel now that i have got off to such a bad start in the new term already.

i appologise, i know i am ranting :-)

Well exactly, why didn't the adult step in immediately? I think it being a new head gives you the chance to kind of assert your authority, so chase them up and ask them to assure you that this child won't be monitoring yours (or anyone) again and insist on answers to your questions.

Hi MomandaS,
Just wanted to thank you for keep coming back to me, youve been a great help for me to voice my concerns and for someone to listen to my rant ha ha. She has just emailed me back, I've to go into the school tomorrow at 10.30am, kind of dreading it if im honest but really feel that things havent been carried out fairly.
Wish me luck, I'll keep you posted tomorrow
xx

No problem! It's awful when it's just going round in your head. Don't dread it, you'll be fine. Try not to get emotional or anything, just keep calmly insisting on the answers you want. If you were paying them to educate your son, you would be the customer here. You kind of are paying them anyway (in as much as we all are), so they are paid to provide a service and they should be doing what it takes to reassure you this won't happen again. Good luck! X

Once you get this sorted then you need to get them to address his additional needs.

Did the preschool call in ed psych when they were throwing around ahhd comments?

Has he an iep - individual education plan.

Had ed psych seen him at the school.

He sounds like a little boy that's struggling and needs support.

From the other side I'd be heading to gp immediately with list of all your concerns and push for a referral

Thanks everyone, heading to the school just now, wish me luck. As it is another parent has approached me today and told me that a primary 7 soaked my son in class on Monday. So I suppose from that I know, which I already did, but I now know 100% that i have the correct story from my son.

Allthewaves - no nursery didn't get anyone in, they kind of toyed around with it until his last year there and then said that they would leave it to the school as by the time any referral went through it would be too late.

I'll post an update once home thanks everyone