Problems with 10 year and no idea what to do next - Help please

[AnotherLegoBrick]

Sorry this is going to be long and disjointed and I will probably miss out vital bits of information.

DS is 10 (just finished year 5) middle of three children and was diagnosed as moderately dyslexic in year 3 (this was a full, private Ed Psych assessment).

Despite lots of support he is finding school hard, but the last few months have been awful. He's at a fairly academic prep school and is clearly to him (and the rest of the class) right down there at the bottom.

He's always been fairly challenging at home, but his behaviour has been terrible for a few months at home (tantrums, arguing, running off, struggle to get him to school, struggle to get him home again, constant fights with siblings) and has deteriorated at school too.

Every day there is a battle and then he becomes in a blink the gorgeous, funny, helpful boy we know he can be. We are all treading on egg shells and trying to avoid conflict, but the smallest thing causes an almighty tantrum that most of the time we are left wondering what the hell was that all about.

We understand that school is hard for him and that entrance exams are looming and he is anxious about this. The school is heavily focussed on getting children in to the top schools and are doing practice paper after practice paper and he is not coping well with them. We have a nice school that we are hoping he will get in to for year 7, it is less academic than most because it does take some children with educational needs, but it is not guaranteed he will get a place, and is seen by his friends as the school not to go to.

My DH has spent several hours with the head teacher over the last few weeks of term trying to come up with ways of supporting him, but she has been pretty useless and didn't even manage to speak to the class teacher before the end of term - we will try again in September, but I am not hopeful.

He is always angry, fails to accept that any of it could be his fault, when it sometimes is and we don't know what to do next. His Ed Psych report showed Dyslexia, but no attention issues, said he was a pleasant boy (he can be absolutely charming, in fact most people don't believe it when I tell them what he is like at home) who concentrated well through his test etc - I am not sure he has it right - he ticks some of the boxes for PDA, but not all of them; we can't afford to keep paying for assessments in the hope we get a different answer and some idea of a strategy to help.

Does this sound familiar to anyone please? I'd be interested to know if any of you have had a second Ed Psych Assessment done and if it showed anything else?

I am really struggling with it all, can't give the time I need to his siblings and tearful far more than I should be.

Thank you.

Is it worth changing school rather than spend a year preparing for tests he's not going to pass and feel like rubbish? Esp.since he's aware he's at the bottom of the class

Hello

I'd really recommend reading The Explosive Child book - this helped us so much with DS at home. I can't recommend it highly enough.
Also even though he doesn't tick all the boxes for PDA if you feel any of the strategies would work for you then there's nothing stopping you from using them (the PDA society is a good source of strategies that help).

It does sound as if he's under a lot of pressure from school - it's not encouraging that they haven't been supportive so far. Definitely push for a meeting in September with the SENCO. Be prepared to be firm and persistent - you will need to be his advocate as schools aren't always great at understanding and supporting, especially when you see most of the fallout at home and not at school.

I would change schools. I think he is feeling under immense pressure to "perform" academically and this is coming out in frustration and meltdowns. I would look at state schools, where there will be a very good mixture of academic and less academic pupils and more with special needs (and incidentally state schools are much, much better at helping those with special needs as they do not have the academic pressure in the same way independent schools do).

You've paid for an EP report - did it you include recommendations for how to help and also medium and long term targets? If not that's what your school needs to understand how to help your son. Without it they may have no clue what to do. If necessary you need to get the report extended to include advice. E.g. Use of voice to text software, text to voice reading apps, keyboard use in class/exams, etc.

Find your local Dyslexia society and join it! Read as much as you can. You will need to work out what the issues are and advocate for your son. School's are not good at doing this so don't rely on them! Consider getting a PATOSS tutor to help him and advise you.

If your son is finding things difficult, has no support and is aware he's struggling (and that everyone knows about it!) then I'm not surprised that he's upset and trying to refuse school. What you describe doesn't sound convincingly like PDA - more like a seriously upset child.

Consider, that If you continue your current actions, with test papers and pressure you'll possibly drive him into serious mental health problems. You need to stand back, remove all pressure, let him have a break and spend some "quality time" with him. Let him know about the dyslexia and that lots of people have it and that it's usually associated with creativity and lateral thinking. The downside is that things that's other people take for granted will be tricky for him. Reassure him that he's not stupid and that he just needs the right support. Tell him you'll make sure he gets that and it will take time for you both to figure it out. Protect his self esteem!

At the same time you need to think about what you really want - yes your original plan had been a competitive entry school but maybe that's not the best plan any more. There are indie schools which specialise in dyslexia for example - why not look into them? Go back to the drawing board with your plans and think about what might be best for your son.

Best of luck

Sorry I re-read your post. If you think it's PDA then the Elisabeth Newson (?) centre in Nottingham would be the place to go. Alternatively ASD might be worth looking at if you have issues around writing and English work. Read up on how Central Coherence, Mind Blindness (you don't have to be 100% mindblind to get a diagnosis of ASD) and motor issues affect access to the curriculum. Retained reflexes might be worth a look too

Just catching up - on holiday in a very different time zone at the moment. It was losing DS mid-tantrum on the underground yesterday that triggered me writing this thread in the first place - all over not being able to eat his cake (the rule is no food or drink on the underground and this has been explained many times this week).

I am really not sure what it is, but PDA fits some of his behaviour, but not all the criteria. I've ordered a copy of The Explosive Child to read when we get home - hopefully that might help with some strategies.

He doesn't appear anxious on the outside, but I do think that is some of the problem. Especially with regard to senior school - our local comp does not have great results for boys (less than 50% get 5 GCSEs grade A-C), the girls do much better - I really don't want him to go there and we have no chance of with the other schools as we are not church goers.

With regard to changing school, they do put in support for his Dyslexia, but are not managing his behaviour at all, despite me warning them that I could see problems ahead and giving them ideas of how to help. The pressure for entrance exams next year will be high (we've been through it before and know what is coming) and DS knows it too.

I did try to move him in Year 4 and got a place at the local state school, but the SEN support was not as good as it is at the current school, so we stayed put. I tried again in year 5 to move him to the school we want him to attend until he is 16 (or 18) - this would make the entrance to the senior school much easier, but he begged to stay where he is and we gave in. Now he doesn't want to move as they have several trips that he is looking forward to after exams (school make a really big thing out of it) and I am not sure the school still has a space. With hindsight we made a mistake.

The school we would like him to go isn't a specialist Dyslexia School (we don't have any nearby - near Manchester), but it does take children with a wide range of needs and get a wide range of results. The really do get the best from every student. One of my other children is already there and is thriving - he has mild dyslexia and has had loads of support. We made the best decision for him, despite him getting places at more academically selective schools.

I do need to go over his report again, before he starts his new class and I will have a look for the local Dyslexia Society - thank you for the suggestion.

I will also have a look at your other suggestions Tartanterror.

I think you have to pick your battles... what's the worst that would have happened if he ate his cake on the underground? IF he does have a form of pda or autism then it's all about reducing stress and anxiety and confrontation. My son has asd and we allow him to do a lot of things that are out of the ordinary or things we wouldn't normally think are okay because it avoids a meltdown (having two large milkshakes at McDonald's for example as we go to McDonald's very rarely as it is and otherwise he won't let anyone else eat!) We only really say no to things that are dangerous.

I understand your concerns about the local school but I think worrying about the academic results shouldn't be on the agenda here - at this stage I would be looking to see purely what kind of approach and support they offer to pupils with special needs, particularly look at how they support those with more severe needs than your son as this is a good indicator of the kind of school it is. Even if a school has the majority of children attaining 10 Gcses at grade A it can be the worst place for a child with Sen and can mean they would come out with far worse results than going somewhere where they are in the "middle" achievement wise.

I really do agree about picking battles and it is a constant discussion I have with my DH as we tend to be bothered by different things. I should have been clearer it wasn't our rule on the underground, it was the underground's rule and came with a pretty hefty fine.

I will be looking at the state school for secondary - DH went with DC1 and I do need to go myself and have a chat with the SENCO. We have discussed if we are better at the state school and putting the money we would have spent towards extra tuition - I am not sure what the right answer is.

DS is very practical, not sure what he will do long term, but I imagine it will be vocational. We just need to make sure he has the basics covered to get the grades he needs for college.