Becoming a single parent when you have a SEN child

[KateLennard]

DS1 has high functioning ASD, ADHD and about 5 other diagnosed issues. We are currently a year into fighting the council for an EHCP. They are blocking us at every turn.
DS2 had recently been diagnosed with a specific learning difficulty and may well have an auto immune disease as well (waiting on tests).

I sadly think my marriage has broken under the strains of all these issues, plus how H is behaving.

He has mentally signed out of everything. I carry the entire mental load for everything from who our gas supplier is, to attending all appointments, and then him saying "doctors always say that" about DS2, without attending a single appointment about this issue, or even googling it.

They don't all say that btw, its potentially very serious, could effect the rest of his life and it's something they are incredibly reluctant to diagnose, especially in young children. The average time from first symptoms to diagnosis is 13 years.

I gave up work after DS2 was born and have been totally unable to return due to DS1's issues and appointments. I therefore have no earning power, plus don't see how I could possibly work going forward, as DS1s issues aren't going to magically go away.

I have tried to google about benefits but while I can find several links to what I could receive, I can't find anything about how long I would receive it for, when I would be expected to go back to work, what would happen if, god forbid DS1 stopped receiving DLA.

We live near London, so housing is incredibly expensive. We have a house with a mortgage.

There is no way H would be able to support two households. In fact, a single room in a shared house around here costs more than our mortgage. So I am not sure he could support himself, never mind a place where our children could stay overnight.

I don't know what to do. It's not just that H isn't making it easier, he's actively making it harder, but I can't see that we, any of us, can survive financially apart.

Emotionally I am at my wits end and don't knock w what to do.

Any suggestions, advice, experience?

I've been a single mum since my autistic DS was 3. Financially we have managed OK. DS gets HRC/HRM DLA, and I get carers allowance and income support. Council tax support covers most of the council tax. We get child tax credits with disability premiums. I also get some PIP for myself due to my own health issues. Our total income is above the benefit cap but we're exempt due to the DLA and PIP.

You can stay on carers allowance and income support indefinitely for as long as your DS1 gets DLA (mine has an indefinite award so he'll get it until he's 16). If you didn't get DLA, you could stay on income support if your youngest DC was under 5 and they'd expect you to prepare for returning to work. For various reasons, we don't get maintenance from ex and we were given priority for a council house which means our rent is low enough that housing benefit covers our full rent. We are in London so rents are incredibly high here. Plus we get free prescriptions, free school meals, charity grants etc, which all helps. We also got legal aid for EHCP issues, which paid for private reports and a solicitor for our casework.

You can put your details into entitledto.com to see what you would get. I would get a face to face appointment with CAB, or try calling Carers UK, for a detailed calculation based on your circumstances. If you get the house, you'd have to pay the mortgage out of your benefits instead of getting housing benefit, so you might end up with less disposable income than someone renting, but then again you'd have the advantage of your own home. Financially it would be best if you can maximise your benefit income, so that your H has enough money to pay for at least a place big enough for the dc to stay in overnight. He needs to pay maintenance of course, but he won't be able to afford to cover all your living costs, and the combination of income support/tax credits/carers allowance should help cover a fair bit.

Thank you very much summerlodge, that is really useful.

I will definitely make an appointment to see either CAB or carers to find out exactly what I can get, how long it would take me to apply etc, but you have really helped with all those things I couldn't fine, like how DLA effects the cap etc.