I think my son has autism

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I believe my son may be autistic, he was tested 2 years ago and received a negative result he was then tested last year for ADHD which was negative also(I already thought it would be negative). As he gets older things are going from bad to worse and when I think it can't get any more worse it does. He started off being violent in school against other children and in after school care which he was put out of due to an incident where he was restrained at 6 years old(which I never condoned) he is now at the stage of refusing to go to school he tries to control me and his dad who live seperatly(especially his dad) he won't sleep and is obsessed with the internet. He has started refusing also to have baths, brush teeth and even get haircuts. I feel he is getting worse and don't know what to do, he's violent and constantly defiant he will try to control every situation. As if he is the adult. I feel I'm loosing my child in a sense as he is getting worse as time goes on there is so much more to the story too much to write. He has poor motor skills and slightly delayed physical development, is there anything that can give me a sign of what may be going on with him as it's breaking my heart and I am so worried about his education and future anything would help.

I believe my son may be autistic, he was tested 2 years ago and received a negative result he was then tested last year for ADHD which was negative also(I already thought it would be negative). As he gets older things are going from bad to worse and when I think it can't get any more worse it does. He started off being violent in school against other children and in after school care which he was put out of due to an incident where he was restrained at 6 years old(which I never condoned) he is now at the stage of refusing to go to school he tries to control me and his dad who live seperatly(especially his dad) he won't sleep and is obsessed with the internet. He has started refusing also to have baths, brush teeth and even get haircuts. I feel he is getting worse and don't know what to do, he's violent and constantly defiant he will try to control every situation. As if he is the adult. I feel I'm loosing my child in a sense as he is getting worse as time goes on there is so much more to the story too much to write. He has poor motor skills and slightly delayed physical development, is there anything that can give me a sign of what may be going on with him as it's breaking my heart and I am so worried about his education and future anything would help?

Hi, I'm an autistic adult and I specialise in supporting autistic kids in mainstream school.

If your child is autistic he is trying to control you and his father because he feels he has no control in other areas of his life. He's living in a world not built for him and it causes pain and confusion so he's desperately trying to control anything he can because he's scared.

The problem with getting a diagnosis is that if your child isn't 'textbook' autism you may not get the diagnosis. I should know, I wasn't diagnosed till I was 23!
You don't say how old your son is so it's hard to offer ideas.
My suggestion would be to treat him as an autistic child regardless of whether or not he has a diagnosis.
Try implementing a visual timetable. It can be as simple as a strip of card with images of his morning routine Blu tacked to it, it'll be reassuring for him to see what to expect between waking up and going to school. Have another one for after school too. If you can get his school to do one too then fantastic!
You have to be extraordinarily consistent, which is obviously more challenging when you don't live with his dad. A lack of consistency leads to confusion and fear which in turn results in that controlling behaviour.
If he refuses to brush his teeth that's fine, but for every minute he refuses he loses a minute of his free time. And stick to that!!
As for his Internet obsession, it makes sense from an autistic view point. You are totally in control of your interactions with other people, if something goes wrong you can make them go away with one click, if only real life was that easy!

Obviously you would have more support with a diagnosis but there are fabulous resources out there such as the National Autistic Society (ignore anything by autism speaks, they are a hate group)

Can you get a second opinion on his diagnosis? I know it's stressful but a different person might have a wider understanding of the many different ways autism can present itself.

His school are using things that they use with austicic children as they believe it may be autism the problem is he just refuses now for the past few months he's 8 years old and it's so difficult to try and get him to do something if he doesn't want to. He's fallen behind the other children due to his attendance and not having a diagnosis of any sort makes it more difficult as there's no help available. His school are applying for extended nurture im sure it's called if you know of that I'm in Scotland so not sure if you know of that he was in nurture in school meaning half the day in a small class of 6 and 2 teachers and mainstream in the afternoon. I don't think it helped him we also tried a part time time-table in school and didn't work. The point you made on consistency it's so difficult as my son controls his father more so and he gives in easier I don't know if I punish him because in my head I'm saying it's not his fault it's really confusing knowing what to do for the best I have heard of the national austicic society not really sure what they offer etc . My brother is autistic but we are estranged since childhood so I have no experience in autism only what I've researched, I have read it can run in family's his father also has a cousin who is autistic so we have it on both sides.

Although it's not proven there is a lot of anecdotal evidence for autism running in families. I'm convinced both my mother and grandfather are autistic!

I don't know how bad the situation at school is but I've just had a quick glance over the National Autistic Society website and they offer help for people who are worried their child is going to be excluded from school.
There's contact details on this page: www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/school-exclusions.aspx

Is it possible to get together with your sons father to establish matching routines and expectations? I know imposing more structure on a child fighting for control sounds like the opposite of what would be helpful but I'm actually currently working with a child who sounds a lot like your son, while progress has been very slow I've found that when everyone who looks after him are all singing from the same hymn sheet he's so much more settled.

I will have a look at that site thank you for looking at that for me any help would be great. My sons father is difficult to deal with when I try to offer advice he takes offence he tends to argue back with my son when he's having a meltdown whereas I try to say as little as possible as it only makes the situation last longer and get worse his dad can't seem to do that he just tells me his behaviour is a disgrace he knows my concerns and even accepts my son may have autism but I don't think he has researched it at all so it's really hard even trying to have a discussion with him as his dad will get angry and just hang up so he's not really helping the situation x

Hi, I am so sorry that things are really hard right now. My son is 11 and is autistic. I've also worked as a 1:1 learning support assistant for children on the autism spectrum. I agree with PurplePanda, consistency from everyone involved has been the key to my boy's progress, as well as to that of the children I worked with. It is hard, but so worth it.

It sounds to me that your son could have PDA, which is a behaviour profile within the autism spectrum. Basically, extreme anxiety leads to the child needing to exert control, sometimes through prolonged meltdowns and lashing out. The meltdowns are effectively panic attacks.

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

Sometimes the strategies for PDA might differ from those for autism, in that they can require more flexibility. If you are pushing for another assessment it may be worth asking about PDA as well.

I hope this helps - I am by no means an expert but I've been in a similar situation. Hang in there!

On reading the original post my first thought was PDA too. Might be worth looking into.

It soubds like pda. Loow onto the nas website for it, for strategies used for classic autism wont work as well for children with pda i'm afraid. They try everything in their power to avoid demands,hence the aggression,

I have always said my son was autistic. his teacher rang me and said she will request a test as she was a cover teacher and picked up Adams problems in 1 week, now at 15 he was tested and he is autistic.
My son has suffered so much struggling at school One teacher told me I had convinced my self there was a problem and sent away, I am so mad I am taking the school to court for failure to educate my son at his educated level. apparently the school as the best autistic program SO WHY WAS HIS PROBLEMS OVERLOOKED THEN YOU INSIST on a test don't back down like I did go to the doctors and health visitor every day if you need, good look