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SN children

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Original poster

my sisters son is hitting her but she's keeping quiet

27 replies

duke · 19/03/2007 21:24

I don't know what to do. My sister has a severely autistic son who has started hitting her when he doesn't get his own way. He isn't violent at school, his social worker knows about him hitting her, she has been told to ignore him and not give him a reaction, he wants her to cry as he knows this is when she gives in. The problem is he is hitting and really hurting her, more now than ever, but she won't tell her husband because she knows he will say it time they thought about residental care for him. He's 13 and she isn't ready to think about that yet. He has hit one of the other children but she didn't tell the social worker. I'm concerned for her, she is like a battered wife she covers her bruises, I'm the only person she has told, but I know she's not telling me everything. Can I do anything? I feel like talking to her social worker, but is this the right thing to do? I am concerned about her and the other children.

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 19/03/2007 21:59

just wanted to respond - i know little about this subject, but i do know that restraint techniques can be taught - i have heard of this from a centre that you would visit like bibic and from the autism outreach team that the social worker would know about. Also there is a thing i have heard of called a'safe place' which i think is a place to safely put a violent sn child to calm down. Also it could be attempted to alter the the child's behaviour through some sort of behavioural training - his special school may know about this or again oother outside professionals that are involved in his care. i am sure there are lots of people on mnet who have personal experience of this - i just didn't want you to go unanswered. hth

Original poster

duke · 19/03/2007 22:07

She struggles to restrain him as he is all ready taller than her and when he is angry it's like and awkward 5ft.11 toddler erratically hitting out. She puts him in the bedroom and closes the door but there's no lock on it so she holds it shut as he slams himself against it.

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wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 22:10

'I am concerned about her and the other children.' I would be too, so sorry, no advice here though as no experience of this.

Please bump tomorrow am for others.

AitchYouBerk · 19/03/2007 22:11

and would putting a lock on the door be a bad thing, send out the wrong message or something? it's not an area i know anything about but i just wanted to respond. you must be very worried about your sis and her boy.

Mamazon · 19/03/2007 22:12

To be honest there is little you can do until she finally starts admitting what is happening. even if you tried to speak to her SW she wouldn't be able to discuss you sister with you as it would breach confidentiality...you could of course make a call to inform her of what you know but she wouldnb't be able to discuss anything..ifswim.

i think maybe your sister should contact NAS or Bibic about techniques to help control these outbursts. hopefully JJ will be on soon as she is the oracle of all things autism.

Original poster

duke · 19/03/2007 22:17

I'm not too sure why she doesn't lock him in. Might ask her tomorrow. He seems a different boy at school, his key worker saw him hit my sister at home and was so shocked that he did it. My sister feels like she is lying/exaggerating when she writes in his diary about behaviour at home. She has made them aware that he can be violent but it is the last 2 weeks where things have escalated that she is keeping quiet about.

OP posts:

Original poster

duke · 19/03/2007 22:28

How do you 'bump' the thread?

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 19/03/2007 22:31

you just did bump it!

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 22:31

it goes to the top when you post, so simple type

bump

and others will know why.

AitchYouBerk · 20/03/2007 10:40

let me do it for you...

bump.

wotzsaname · 20/03/2007 12:32

bump time again

Original poster

duke · 20/03/2007 13:38

She had said if he was to hit one of the other children she would think about residential care for him. He hit his sister to the floor, she got a black eye. My sis said it was a one off occasion that could of been prevented, he had found some thing that is usually locked away, and again she kept quiet. She is really scared of the thought of resedential care for him. If he does hurt the other younger children, i think he'll have to go. She has got into her head he will be treated badly if he goes into a home. I don't know anything about this and I'm finding it hard to find out the facts.

OP posts:

AitchYouBerk · 20/03/2007 13:44

did you ask about the lock?

Original poster

duke · 20/03/2007 13:51

Yes, she did use one a while ago, but he has such a problem with closed doors when she locked him in the room it made things worse. So she took it off. Although the way things have escalated I think she is going to try again. She has been working hard on getting him to close the door when he gets dressed etc so he may ok about that now.

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AitchYouBerk · 20/03/2007 13:54

i can see that, from his POV. it sounds absolutely desperate, duke.

Original poster

duke · 20/03/2007 14:16

The most wretched thing about it is she is the one that loves him and cares for him the most and yet she is the one he hurts.

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AitchYouBerk · 20/03/2007 14:25

poor lad. he mustn't know which way is up, iykwim? i'm being dense, i know, but i take it that it isn't a matter of disciplining him? what is his level of understanding of his behaviour with regards to her?

AitchYouBerk · 20/03/2007 14:25

jenk1 · 20/03/2007 14:37

Hello duke, only just seen this.
My DS isnt severely autistic, he has AS so i dont know if what i say will be of any help.

BUT,
DS has taken to hitting me a lot of the time now, especially when we are on our own (he hardly ever does it to his dad), i went on an NAS Anger management course a few weeks back and we were basically told that if a child with autism, severe of High Functioning is hitting out its a sign that they are trying to communicate something and finding it difficult.
With DS he hits me if someone has said something that upsets him, and he holds it in or if he wants something and i say no or various other things.
With HF children we were advised to use the "if you do that again you will lose XXX" , IIRC with the children that were more severe, reinforcers (sp) were to be used and one mum there said she would put her hand up in front of her sons face and say loudly "NO HIT", after a few times he got the message.
Now this is only what i heard on the course that day, Jimjams is the expert on this and im sure she will be around soon to give you her advice.

Original poster

duke · 20/03/2007 14:44

This is the problem, she used to be able to say to him 'no' and if he didn't stop, 'give me your twiddle then',a piece of plastic he flicks in front of his eye, and he would usually stop but he has realised that if he hits her he gets what he wants. The other day it was over a chocolate he had taken, she told him to put it back, he didn't want to and that was it, she ignored him hitting her, trying to not to react to it but then she couldn't take it any more so gave in to him. He now thinks he has to hit her 8 times before she gives in.

OP posts:

jenk1 · 20/03/2007 15:20

its sooo hard, i know.
DS ran away last week off into the woods at the back of our house because he didnt want to do something we wanted him to.
In the past i would have been so upset i would have given in, but even though i was upset i had to stand my ground, yesterday he threatened to do it again, i said if thats what u want to do -do it but you will HAVE to do what i say.

Because your sister has given in, he will think that she will give in again, its going to be very hard, but she will have to stand her ground.

thats not very helpful, i know, i dont have any experience cos DS is AS.

Original poster

duke · 20/03/2007 16:17

This is it. Sis has been soft on him in the past and given in, but when you are trying to be relaxed and breastfeed a baby who isn't going to give a child a piece of chocolate to keep them from going on and on. She now wishes she had been hard on him from day 1 but she wasn't to know that what she did with him age 2 was going to have such a dramatic affect to his behaviour at age 13. She is also the main provider of food, one of the only things he is interested in. So he relates her to food and when he wants to eat asks over and over and over until he gets what he wants, he often wants things she hasn't got. She is trying not to give in but she said it's like a full grown man punching her and how much of that can she withstand? I am so worried about her I think she is going to crack and it will be her carted off to a home.

OP posts:

mum24boyz · 20/03/2007 22:15

sorry hun, i have no advice, you know the answers really i suspect, and i have no idea how you can intervene, just wanted to show my support, my ds is as but has just started hitting out at school, not so much at home yet, but i am lucky, he is only 5 and a small 5 at that, i know now not to give in, and even then its hard, because they are totally relentless when they get something in their heads that they want, i hope your sister asks for some help soon hun, all you can do in the meantime is be there i suspect, good luck.x

Original poster

duke · 21/03/2007 09:32

Thanks, I know I've got to stand by and be there for her when she needs me. It's so hard to watch what's happening, her family is falling apart because of his behaviour. Her dh said he can't take it anymore.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 21/03/2007 09:40

i'm sorry I know nothing about ASD but I DO knwo about SWs and parenst with violent children. SW will do nothing AT ALL to help her. If she tells then she is even thinking about locking him in anywhere they could report her for abuse. I dont knwo where she will get help but it wont be SW - they will make it much worse. please PLEASE do not approach them yourself - you could stir up a lot of trouble for your sister

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