No party invites

[Areyoufree]

Two of my daughter's (5 year old, suspect ASD, but they won't refer here without a letter from the school) friends are having birthday parties this weekend. She has been invited to neither. I understand that she can be quiet in school so won't get invited to everything, but she has been invited to two parties so far since she started school - one was a boy who invited the whole class, the other was a girl whose parents we are friends with. Yet the school tell us that she isn't struggling socially. Am not knocking the school at all - they have been wonderful, have put her in a nurture group, even though they haven't seen a problem - but this doesn't seem right to me. One of the parties in particular, as it is one of the girls I thought she was close to - she was one of only 6 girls we invited to my daughter's party. It's so hard trying to explain to her why she can't go to her friend's birthday party.

I don't know what I am asking really - just feel a bit miserable about it all. I guess I could be projecting a bit on her - I was excluded as a child too, and never knew why. But she's only 5 - I find it hard to believe that she could be being left out already, but her friends seem to be going to parties almost every weekend. We are trying to be more proactive with playdates, but she can be a little 'emotional' at the weekend, and I worry that if she kicks off in front of her friends it will just make the situation worse!

I am afraid I haven't got much to say apart from you are not alone.

My 9 year old (ASD and LD) never gets invitations and my 6 year old (referred, no DX yet but fits the Aspie mould) had 1 since starting school almost 2 years ago. I am afraid this is fairly standard for DC with social/communication issues

Am sorry you are dealing with this too. It's so hard to see them upset and confused. I love my daughter - I wouldn't want to change her for the world, I just wish I could make this easier for her. Nobody seems to be able to see how much she is struggling - she is so good at pretending everything is fine. I had noticed the lack of party invitations, but like I say - she can be quiet at school. I think this weekend has just hit home a bit harder because it's one of the girls I thought would have been a definite.

Thank you for your post - it does help to know I'm not alone in this.

I'm sorry OP. It is really hard I know . It gets easier as they get older as there are fewer big parties. My DS now has two close friends at school and seems happy just to go to their parties. But it does upset me to think of all the kids we had to his parties over the years who never ever invited him

DC1 is on the spectrum, older than yours but at secondary now. I share your experience from primary school. DC2 (nt)is now at school at when the kids have parties the whole class is invited.

I remember feeling so hurt at the time and I feel really angry now looking back, seriously who treats a child like that, I think some people are just ignorant and lack empathy, what difference would it really make your dd being invited. It says so much about them imo.

This thread is so depressing - I honestly thought people would post saying that it was more likely to be a mistake, or that it could just be bad luck. I can't believe that this happens with children so young!

Obviously the support is hugely appreciated, and that aspect is not depressing at all! I find this forum so helpful - not having a diagnosis makes it tricky for me to talk about this with friends/family. They don't see a problem - but there obviously is something going on! Anyway, thank you for all your posts.

We once invited the whole class to a party for one of my DSs. They all came, had fun, apparently it was the talk of their year the next day. DS didn't get one single invitation back, even when I know some of those kids have had parties not long afterwarsd.

Friends of mine with similar aged children have talked about how stressful it is having to take their kids to parties every weekend (rolling their eyes up). They have absolutely no idea how heartbreaking it is for my kids to be the ones left out every single time.

Yes, it is pretty standard for ASD kids I'm afraid

ds2 once said to me I don't get disappointed when I don't get a party invite any more because I know I'm not going to get one anyway. It is really difficult especially if they are aware they are not being invited.

We have this here too. It's heartbreaking.

Dd (6) - same here too. :-( Worse now in Year 1. Reception Year wasn't too bad.

Is it more the parental influence or the children not interacting/socialising/being a little "different", do we think?

I think it is parents. all my friends with children one by one cut us off once DD'd issues became very obvious. at least in the early years it is parent driven. later I think children just pick their best friends which by nature usually aren't usually the ones with complex special needs

I'm in the same boat. Only party my reception class son was invited to was 2 of my family members who have children in the same class. He is leaving mainstream for special school in September. My son has no understanding of the world and none verbal so I can see that it doesn't bother him at all. It hurts the most waiting at the gates hearing other parents talking about party arrangements or how good the last party was.