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SN children

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Original poster

Am I wrong to not tell everyone about dd?

21 replies

Blossomhill · 15/03/2007 21:26

I have had a bit of a row with a friend who has a dc similar to dd. My dd is 7 and has ADHD and asd.
She thinks I should tell people in the playground dd's dx and I don't agree.
I will tell who I think needs to know but at the end of the day why should my dd's personal details be made available to all in sundry?
She felt I should tell people and that I was wrong to be selective in who I tell.
Does anyone else understand why I am being like this?

OP posts:

Aloha · 15/03/2007 21:28

Why does she think you should tell everyone? I tend to feel like you. It's not their business, and I want to protect my child's privacy.

2shoes · 15/03/2007 21:43

I agree why should you tell people. bit different for me as dd's is obvious. but I don't go around telling people.

mymatemax · 15/03/2007 21:54

I totally agree with you.
Firstly the most important thing about your dd is NOT her dx & she is entitled to privacy.
We live in a very small town & ds2 won't thank me in years to come when he's out on the pull (I hope) & all the girls have grown up knowing his personal/medical details??

nulnulcat · 15/03/2007 21:56

my dd has a number of quite bad health issues including epilepsy but i hardly tell anyone, mainly because i dont want the sympathy, how do you manage conversations which i hate! but also because i dont want everyone knowing and treating her differently from any other 3 year old

Original poster

Blossomhill · 15/03/2007 21:58

Over the years people have been very unkind about dd and I just feel why should I tell people?
I don't know if there child has issues so why should my dd's sn be public knowledge.
Infact too many people know already for my liking.
Every time I tell people I feel like I have betrayed dd. I know it sounds dramatic but it's how I feel.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/03/2007 21:58

Why does she think you should tell people?

Original poster

Blossomhill · 15/03/2007 22:01

Because her problem affects her socially????

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossomhill · 15/03/2007 22:02

Thing is I am not sure if she thinks I am ashamed (which I am not). if I need to tell people I will and all the relevant people know, which is all that matters to me really.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 15/03/2007 22:05

I think your friend is saying that if people were aware of her dx they would understand more the elements of her behaviour that they don't at present understand. And both those conditions I would imagine cause your daughter to display some challenging behaviours.

People who do not understand do not give any leeway in their judgements IME .. people may be more understanding and accepting if they understand

It is totally your decision of course, and I don't have personal experience of this, and I don't understand why a dx has to be a secret

but you are entitled to your feelings and beliefs and of course should do what you see fit

coppertop · 15/03/2007 22:07

Personally I only tell people about ds1 and ds2's ASD if I feel that they need to know. I suppose I want them to see my boys as and rather than define them by their SN, IYKWIM.

Original poster

Blossomhill · 15/03/2007 22:11

Twiglett it's not a secret at all. It's just as coppertop says I want people to see my dd before the disability.
If she did something and I thought I needed to explain I would.
It's weird really. I almost feel like I am giving a piece of dd away when people know.

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 15/03/2007 22:21

my ds1 is 5 with as and i told all the staff at school because everyone of them including admin and dinner supervisors care for him. but mums are another matter - some of the mum's that i talk to who have children on his table know because we discuss them and i'm not ashamed of him, but on the other hand i'm hardly going to announce it in the playground, just as the mum of the kid who fights loads won't or the mum of the kid who can read novels won't. their kids accept him for him at the moment and maybe when they won't their teacher will talk to them, but the mums have no impact on him. i do tell mum's of birthday parties because his as traits shine at these and i would't want anyone trying to prise him away from the loo!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/03/2007 22:39

So, you feel like your friend is suggesting you "excuse" your dd's behaviours then?

I can see why you dont want to.

coppertop · 15/03/2007 22:45

I just can't see why other parents in the playground would need to know unless something had happened and you wanted to explain why your child had done something or behaved in a particular way. Obviously if a parent wants to tell people then fair enough but I think your friend is wrong to try to put pressure on you like this.

MrsPhilipGlenister · 15/03/2007 22:48

I used to go around telling lots of people about DS1's DX (this was back in the days when he was Mr Bite Everybody!) but I rarely mention his DS anymore and even with DS3, who is much more obviously not quite on a par with his peer group, I am playing my cards pretty close to my chest. Whatever you feel comfortable with, which may change with circumstances and as time goes on.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/03/2007 22:49

Agree coppertop.

Original poster

Blossomhill · 16/03/2007 16:54

I think coppertop is so right. If people want to tell that's fine. I just don't feel I want to.

OP posts:

caroline3 · 16/03/2007 17:33

I would never suggest someone discusses their childs medical diagnosis with others.

I have chosen to tell lots of people as I feel it helps DS for people to be aware of his problems. However that is a matter for me and every situation is different. Don't feel pressurised about this one at all. It all depends on how you feel and what is going on.

2mum · 16/03/2007 19:47

Blossomhill, i feel exactly the same way as you feel. Although with ds2 you can tell right away he has Autism as he is nonverbal and has a lot of stims. With Ds1 people automatically assume he is spoiled or bad when they see him playing up. I dont tell people about Ds1 unless i want to, i am not the sort of person in rl to tell people everything about me and i am not ashamed of Ds2, im just a private person. Not everyone will agree but its up to you who and when you tell people.

2mum · 16/03/2007 19:59

Also one time when i was getting a bus a good while ago when my ds1 was 4, i met someone i know. I was hanging onto ds1 to make sure he didnt run out on the road, and i said to the woman i have to hold on to him tight as he has adhd and would just run away. She said he cant be that bad or you wouldnt have taken him! Sometimes i think people who dont understand think you are critisising your child for no reason or something.

Honeyblue · 17/03/2007 11:09

Hi all, I haven't posted on here before. I can fully relate to this dilemma as my child has a number of additional needs including epilepsy, adhd and speech and language delay. I never used to explain when he lashed out or something similair in the playground but did spend an awful lot of time apologising for his behaviour until he went to a holiday playscheme and his worker told me there had been an incident on an outing and a man had grabbed my child to tell him off for jumping on a trampoline whne it wasn't his turn (people amaze me with their intolerance soemtimes, he was only 5 at the time!) and she rushed over and told him he has a medical condition and how dare he not take this into consideration. Since then I have been a little more open and a little less apologetic but only because I wanted to, maybe for mine and my child's self esteem sake, apologising lots can be pretty damaging to your confidence!
I would say its totally your decision Blossomhill!

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