This is my worst nightmare - violent child

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I'm sorry this is such a negative post but I am in such a low place. This post is about me but the background: my just turned 9 year old has HF ASD and ADHD. We started a trial of medication almost three months ago as he is considered severe at home and was doing ok but getting difficult in school. Last year we had about two long drawn meltdowns a week, now it's five. He has always been really demanding. Every evening is difficult with sleep issues. The medication is really good, while it lasts. However the rest of the time I just feel we have entered a fog as a family at this stage. I am afraid of him in the evenings, we all are. I dread six o'clock when it wears off he is explosive, demanding, banging doors, shouting the house down, screaming at me to fuck off, up late sorting books or making demands we can't meet in order to kick off. He's climbed out windows. Broken remotes, two broadband routers, lovely things I had. The mornings are the same, he is rude and demanding, he delays on purpose getting out the door he seems to really get a kick out of it. He seems to get a kick out of upsetting me in particular. He behaves perfectly for our childminder. I TRY SO HARD to do that calm thing all the books say but I am worn down. This is not right, I never in my worst nightmare imagined my own child cursing and spitting at me and throwing things at me and telling me I am lazy and fat. I feel like I gave birth to my own personal bully. He has gotten worse over the past two years and I feel close to a nervous breakdown. I have support too, I just can't accept this is my life. None of my friends or family have any idea how bad he is or how bad I've gotten dealing with it.

I cannot over emphasise how much attention this chid gets. His father is amazing plays football with him all the time, they do loads together. We are doing OT but he just rips up the charts and tells me to shut up.

Last night because what he wanted to eat wasn't in the fridge he took a glass and smashed it on the kitchen floor. My small baby was in the room. I was hysterical and dragged him up the stairs and threw him onto his bed. I felt like I could actually hurt him. This morning wouldn't get into the car and shouted fuck you loud enough so the neighbours might hear and laughed at me. I shoved him into the car really roughly. I am anti-smacking but I've smacked him in the past a few times and felt really guilty about it, even though I'd been pushed beyond what most parents have to deal with. But lately I find myself constantly having to restrain him from hurting himself or others in the evenings. And last night after he smashed the glass and could have really hurt the baby I just couldn't stand it, I felt so out of control with anger myself.

I am at the end of my rope. I am so angry. Where is my boy going? What have I become feeling like I can't stand my own child. I know the obvious thing is maybe I'm depressed but I am happy when I am away from him. How bad is that? I know this reads like I am a monster but WHERE do people get the patience to deal with this day in day out in a calm and measured manner. My DH says I am a brilliant mum and he's provoke a saint. But that's not good enough an excuse. I need to find patience, can anyone help me?

I am not in the UK so I cannot avail of any of the great supports I read about here, I've got all I can get here which isn't much.

I've no advice, my DS is 7 and same diagnosis as yours. I guess we are a little further behind on the journey, but Ican see and dread that we could easily follow your pattern. He's already violent and aggressive, we are using a PDA anxiety reducing approach. The book "the explosive child" has helped, though I've never bothered with the actual paperwork it recommends. for you. Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thank you SophieOSB, I dont' feel like I am doing a good job at all at the moment. I am snappy and angry with my other children now too from being so worn down but thanks I will look at that PDA info. I am on my second read of the explosive child book but find it hard to get going on it as I am fire fighting so much lately.

Feeling very similar this morning. I have been told I'm very patient but I am pushed to my limit. We are also a few years behind and under assessment at the moment. We have similar behaviours, this morning was awful.
I have the explosive child book but haven't started reading it yet.

I have a pure adhd same age. I give meds when I wake him, let him stay in bed for 30mins watching ipad then get him up as meds have kicked in. So he will then get dressed, eat breakfast wih out a screaming battle.

I'm off to see his pead and get an evening top up as his long acting meds wear off around 4pm and then we are getting a bad come down. I think a short acting top up may help. Ds finds being alone in his room helps on a nightime

That is interesting allthewaves, I would be tempted to do that for all our sakes, even if just for a short break from the fury.

My DS wants to be near us all the time. He goes crazy if my DH goes out to the shops. It's ridiculous. In the mornings he gets really angry if DH has already left for work. He is so rigid.

It's the medication. Hope it can be reviewed asap! This happened to our son when he tried stimulants

See in the Dr in two days. It's so hard though as DH thinks it was a combo of the fact he was out for hours in the sun too, not eating enough. I find it so hard to know what's the same old stuff versus what the medication might be causing.

I also recommend the explosive child book. If it is of any consolation my son was much like this a few weeks ago. We have 'agreed a few' boundaries concerning trigger points (coming off xbox, going to bed etc). It has taken a few weeks and we have been consistent to make him feel the decisions are his choice and now his behaviour is slowly starting to improve because he is less anxious and has more certainty of what to expect.

You will get there. It is fine to tell him that you do will not tolerate violence towards you , your family or your property.

Also try not to shout or react to negative behaviour. It's really really hard but ignoring it takes the flame out of the situation. So long as he is safe try to leave him to cool down himself.

Thank you for the replies it is good to talk. Consistency is good, I need a reminder of that and to try broker a deal with him on some things when he is in a reasonable mood. It's good to hear it may improve.

We've tweaked meds and got better results but the psychiatrist says I need to develop coping mechanisms for the anger he has in the mornings and evenings.

I am not coping. I hate being around him. This morning was hellish, he exploded and I exploded. I am not depressed because I am not like this with my other children or when away from him.

I am just so exhausted and worn down and utterly sick of having such an angry child. I am finding this life unbearable at the moment.

HOW do people stay calm with this stuff. I just don't know I've read everything I've tried so much but I feel like I am being bullied by my own child.

Going running once or twice a day for 10 or 20 minutes helps me feel less angry and irritable with my children and has improved my mood. Its the last thing you might feel like doing when you're so tired but it might be worth it. It won't sort your child's behaviour out but it boosts your serotonin levels and takes some of the edge off the stress. I'm a bit calmer now since I took up running and less anxious. I'm a better parent now to my children, not perfect though.

Thanks imaginosity, a family member mentioned that. I'm going to just start running this evening, maybe it'll be the godsend others find. Much calmer part of the day now thanks to the wonders of medication.