An Explanation, of sorts, for cat64,Socci, Colditz, Stifflers Mum, Magsi, Jimjams, Attila and Cristina...

[WetLettuce]

You all posted on a different thread I started last night and were really concerned about something I said on there about a child I know. Well, I've finally worked out how to do name change (would have helped if I'd done that before last night's post) and I've also had that thread deleted, as I was just so concerned that the parents concerned might see it, recognise themselves, and work out who I am. I still don't know that they haven't over the last 24 hours, and I guess the fall out could come anytime in the next few weeks. Honestly, my stomach has been churning all day at what you all said.

I think my gut instinct was that it wasn't substantial enough to report, and I still wouldn't want to do that, not immediately anyway. There are some fairly odd parenting methods all over the place and it's not right to jump to conclusions. My poor gut instinct is now shot to bits though and confused, because it partly thinks that these people are ok, partly is concerned for the child, and all round wanting to do the right thing by everyone. Also, my comments were based on just a couple of hours of contact over about six months so I do know that's not very reliable. We're going up to stay for a weekend soon and believe me, I'll have my eyes open this time. If I feel that there is a real issue, and it wasn't just a particular incident, I'll be remembering what you've all told me. Before it was deleted, I saved that thread as a word document so I can go back to it.

I'm sorry if I seem like a wet lettuce and that that this is all a bit cryptic. Am feeling pretty crap actually. I hope I've made some sense somewhere...

Ok. I understand what you are saying, and certainly your reluctance to wade in.

But, you know, reporting something to Social Services isn't like calling the Police to have someone arrested. It's like...

If you knew of a little old man who wasn't looking after himself properly, then you didn't see him for a bit, would you feel like you were calling the police on him if you tried to get him some help?

Or .... a woman who was feeding her baby just cows milk at 3 months old, because she thinks it's the same, she needs help, not punishment, and if you got her some help, the people who were sent to see her would understand this.

So, the chances are that if you reported it, and it was looked at, the most that would happen is that the parents would be sent on some courses to help them manage this particular child. I have heard than the SS tend to 'Dump and Run' with long term foster care arrangements - because they don't want to upset something valuable that appears to be working.

But if it is brought to their attention that it isn't working very well, it is in their best interests to fix it, not break it.

Do you see where I am going with that?

Hi wetlettuce,

Well you keep an eye on things when you visit with them and at the same time ask your husband about how he feels re their treatment of this girl.

As mentioned before social workers do not automatically make good parents; far from it.

If a couple of hours contact made you feel uneasy and you continue to feel uneasy on this next visit then I would have to say you are duty bound to report these two to their council long term fostering service. Long term foster carers are often left to fend for themselves without adequate support and it is in these circumstances that potentially abusive situations can arise. It is also correct to surmise that special needs children can be particularly vulnerable in such circumstances.

Think as well you are worrying totally unnecessarily about being recognised. The chances of them reading this particular section and then recognising you are virtually nil.

Another thing you could consider is to talk to the NSPCC; you could outline your last visit to these people.

Your primary concern on your next visit certainly needs to be this young lady and their treatment of her.

Thanks for bearing with me, you're all right of course. Colditz, thanks especially for that explanation because I really did feel like I'd be reporting to them to the police. I can see that's not the case now, thanks to you lot. I was worried the poor child might be taken away from them again, when the first few years of her life have been so ropey and it's so good that she's now got someone who's committed to giving her a stable home until she's 16. She was making her own toast when she was five because no one really fed her properly.
I also hadn't thought about how social services really leave you to cope on your own, and it may be that they just need some guidance This is going to be tricky though and I don't envy social services since they have three older children of their own, and I think the wife's opinion, certainly, will be that she knows what she's doing, especially given her work background (part of her job used to be taking kids into care).
I know they're not impressed with their social worker either, which doesn't help. I know my husband was equally horrified last time we visited, but he'll be wary of "grassing his mate up" (and he doesn't much like MN either - says I spend far too long on it) so I think I won't mention the whole reporting thing to him, just get on with it quietly on my own (Look out for me on the Relationships threads...)

The only thing I would disagree with is the being recognised bit. She's now a SAHM, and I know uses her computer a lot, it's perfectly possible that she does MN and it would seem reasonable that she'd look at the Special Needs threads - after all, I read the camping threads almost word for word...

Thanks all though, I'll see how it goes next month when we go up, and before that, check out the phone numbers for their area social services so I've got no chance to procrastinate any further when I get back convinced that there's a problem.

Oh knickers...

Oh dear. Maybe get MN Towers to help out with this little discrepancy..

Can I ask what is supposed to happen to her when she is 16? Do they plan to put her back into care?? It's just that at 16 she will still be a child.. and an SN one at that Don't they see her as part of the family?

And then I went back to Active Convos and top of the list read "Do you ever worry that someone could find you in RL from your postings on here? Or are you more careful than that?"

I don't know what will happen when she's 16. I did ask and that was one of the conversations that started me thinking...

have no idea of the original conversation but just wanted to say that if you are worried about anyone, particularly a child then you shouuld call your local SS dept.
YOU aren't getting the child removed you are simply raising your concerns. in most cases it just means an extra sw visit and some closer supervision.

I am guessing that the parent is a socia worker? i can just say quite catagorically that this does not make an ideal parent...NOT AT ALL.

I know of at least 3 SW who have had care proceedings taken against them.

always trust your gut.