angry dd 9 thinks she has asd

[sunflowerblue]

Hi, I'm really struggling with my dd at the moment. Tbh I suppose I always have. She seems to carry so much anger. And now she is 9 I think hormones have been thrown into the mix, she can just explode at any moment, she's so rude to me, and I feel ungrateful too. I'm trying to stay calm, consistent, and be fair. But I'm feeling more and more hurt and desperate. Every evening ends with a pointless showdown over something simple like moving a cushion.

My other child has asd (an older son). I know plenty of children (including girls too) with autism, and I just don't see it in dd. I sometimes wish I did, it would be an explanation for her 'meltdowns'. Recently she has started saying she thinks she must have autism, too, cos she feels so angry and she can't control it.

I'm at a loss where to go now. In our area unless the child is causing themselves serious physical harm camhs wont see them. I've done the parenting programmes etc due to having my son. I feel like there must be something really obvious staring me in the face, so close I can't see it. The only thing that relates to autism with her that I can see is the anger and difficulty regulating her emotions, and she's also becoming increasingly controlling with her food.

AS in gp referral for asd assessment? There's not much to go on.
I've got a feeling it may look like more written down, but when you meet her, nothing 'feels' asd about her if that makes sense? Clumsily worded sorry, not my intent to upset anyone.

I'm really trying to think of anything. There's no language issues, no stimming or tics, no sensory issues, happy with changes to routine and the unexpected, very creative (which I realise is often the case for girls). Very socially aware and emotionally mature (with everyone except me it seems!). I know the food thing should ring bells, but it makes sense with the anger, it's a protest of some sort.
I just wish I could find out what she's protesting about. Tonight she said "it's because I just want my own way all the time".

I know I've posted on sn rather than behaviour. Because I'm trying to see if I'm missing something. Knowing my son/her brother has asd, I think we automatically look to that. But my instincts are telling me no, whereas for him I always knew there was something.

"moving the cushion" I meant as in move over on the sofa, or pick something up of the floor, or asked if she's brushed her teeth....she couldn't care less about a cushion being moved. Bad example I chose there I think.

I know what you mean zzzzz. If I read my posts I'd be nodding to myself and thinking, yep asd.

It just doesn't feel like the right fit though. I wondered if there was something else I hadn't heard of.

It's certainly possible.

My instinct is that she struggles with anxiety. Which is largely due to having to be so responsible at such a young age, and living with her brother's outbursts her whole life. A lot of the autism behaviours that are so recognisable are a manifestation of anxiety and I believe that's why there's a common ground.

But I'm definitely going to keep my mind open. I've struggled a lot with anxiety at stressful stages of my life, and sadly she probably inherited that from me. I really don't believe she has asd. But I still wanted to ask in here, as I know sometimes the parents are the only ones who can't see it.

thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me

I've heard that many girls with an asd are able to understand the social norms and therefore work hard to mask and control the stimming, copy social exchanges and appear sociable. But the resultant behaviour is this anxiety and anger they can't control.

That's not to say she is autistic just to provide another POV.

I think polters idea of her explaining is a great one. It'll give her an outlet and way to communicate things she perhaps hasn't up til now.

Fwiw my ds saw Camhs and was referred for asd assessment. He knew they were looking to see if they could help him.
Whilst sat in the waiting room for Ados he read a massive board presentation on asd.

He looked up and said - "That's me - I have that"
35 minutes later Camhs said the same thing

Sunflowerblue have you heard of Elaine N Arrons book Highly Sensitive Persons? Well worth a read! I came across it by chance and recognised myself and also my granddaughter who have never had diagnosis for asd etc

I recognised i had ASD after watching a TV documentary about a man with aspergers who was really into CB radio, He'd drive up and down the country testing out how far the certain frequencies transmitted....

It all sort of clicked into place, even though it wasn't the same as me it just matched, it's hard to explain.

I was about 11, It took about 4 more years for Doctors to take me seriously and do an assessment as they'd oftern shut me down, especially after i got an ADHD diagnoses.... my mum thought professionals knew best instead of fighting my corner, which didn't help, but i did eventually find a doctor who listened to me rather than telling me.

My dd asked to see someone for her anger issues when she was 12, I had always suspected ASD. Her teachers said she had no social problems at all but was just a little shy.. when tested at 12 they said no to ASD and basically I saw ASD in everyone as DS has it, eventually got diagnosis at fifteen. After they first tested her she even said herself that she had ASD.

I have had similar with my Dd, no answers I'm afraid but she has a dx of anxiety which doesn't fit however I don't think asd fits either. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm still with camhs. Her anger is one of the main problems although she does have a few sensory sensitivities. She is very sociable and popular wherever she goes and I have read about being so bright she is masking and copying however I can see she is not masking this at all. So can a child who is geniuely sociable and can be intuitive be autistic ? I don't know?
My Dd anger can come from things being different, not getting her own way (normally stemming from rigid thinking when she has something in her head she has to do) tiredness amongst other things.

I have been looking st being gifted and highly sensitive which fits a lot as she is very creative but it's hard to know is t it.