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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

So in general, does it seem to be the Mums that ....

20 replies

anniebear · 07/03/2007 07:26

want to know every detail about their childs disability/ future etc

whereas the Dads don't want to know too much ?

Just read similar on another thread and I know my DH and me are the same

I used to read up so much (not saying that was good to do that) I knew too much really!!

But DH didnt want to know anymore than the basics the Dr told us

Is it like that for you?

OP posts:

lourobert · 07/03/2007 07:27

I can say thats very true of us.....Ive done loads and loads of readin etc and im the one who emails docs and dp seems to take it all in his stride.....!

eidsvold · 07/03/2007 07:27

I know a lot about dd1 and her appts etc BUT dh is wider read on the whole down syndrome topic than I am.

But given that I am the one that takes her to appts etc and dh makes the appts he can when work commitments allow - that is understandable.

Hope that makes sense.

eidsvold · 07/03/2007 07:28

should have read dd1 and where she is at rather than her appts.

eidsvold · 07/03/2007 07:28

dh seems to do more research than I do on any topic - eg when dd1 was having adenoids, tonsils out and grommets in etc - I just know how having them out has affected dd1 personally.

Okay enough raving now.

magsi · 07/03/2007 08:47

Its exactly the same for me and my dh. I have always tryed to educate myself by reading everything available about my son (he has cp, a severe right sided hemiplegia). Sometimes I think I read too much and you start to loose sight of the fact that it is your child and not a book!! if you see what I mean. I thing sometimes it is a bit of being lazy on dh's part and as long as one of us is reading up, dh won't bother. I don't think we can hold it against them though and confuse it with not caring. I just think that women tend to analize everything we possibly can. I am even reading a medical book on Hemiplegia at present, and can't understand a flippin word!!.

mymatemax · 07/03/2007 10:22

Yep, deffinately the same here.
DH although a fantastic dad in may ways NEVER comes to any appointments, infact even when he was born & in scbu for months he coped better not spending hours at the hospital he said he felt someone should be at home with ds1.
Whereas I hated being away from ds2 & the hospital.. I think this pattern has followed on for 4 years now.
I'm sure the physios/OT's/paed etc think I have an imaginary husband!

macwoozy · 07/03/2007 10:38

Same here too. My dp needs encouragement to even read reports about his son. He doesn't generally go to hospital appts neither, but that's more down to work commitments. But I do feel very alone when it comes to supporting and helping ds. He's never helped with any written reports that I've had to compile, even though I've asked time and time again I could do with his support.

mymatemax · 07/03/2007 10:51

I have felt overwhelmed on occasions & I remember having a huge tantrum & insisting he helps more with appointments. I his usual laid back style he said well you only have to ask! Just tell me what I need to do & say!
In the end I did it myself, I think I'm a bit of a control freak really, I just couldn't bear to think I wasn't at the appointment to have an input... I guess we'll carry on as we are & I'll just moan about it.

crimplene · 07/03/2007 11:07

I just made DP go to a doc's appt this morning as he also ties to stay out of things - I just make him go to appts or I'd feel like I am on my own with this. And then I get stroppy when he won't talk/think about it. I've been doing all the reading and chasing appts - he's been doing lots of displacement DIY. I'm not really sure that one's a better response than the other - at least the house is looking better! We were told DS needs an op and he's so surprised that he's said that he doesn't want him to have it - so now we have to go for a second opinion to convince him that DS really should have this done.

Socci · 07/03/2007 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Saker · 07/03/2007 11:15

Similar here. Dh works and I don't so it is natural that I take Ds2 to appointments, phone up etc. And I have always done more reading, research etc. However Dh is always willing to let me talk about it to him (although I suspect he thinks I go on a bit ) and usually willing to give things that I suggest a try.

I have found that if he is not involved in something at the start, then he is a bit more reluctant to be involved because he feels out of touch. However if I involve him from the beginning he is much more confident and happy to remain involved. So with school he took Ds2 into school most days when he first started and has always attended the IEP meetings, knows the staff etc. Equally with RDI, we watched the dvd together and went on the course together and he has always been equally supportive with that.

I think in general women tend to be more proactive - I know that my first reaction is the "something must be done" one , but I'm not sure that's always the best way.

I think in general it's a shame that men have less opportunity to talk about how they feel about their child's disability etc. I have noticed a few times that if I get talking to a man with a disabled child, and I mention that Ds2 has special needs they are very keen to talk about it. The other day a tree surgeon who came to give me an estimate spent about 1/2h telling me about his daughter having Asperger's.

KarenThirl · 07/03/2007 12:01

Definitely. I also think that men generally have difficulty projecting into the future - women can see problems up ahead and will plan for them, but men seem more likely to plod along just expecting everything to turn out OK.

My dh is much more supportive now than ever before, will come to meetings and read reports etc, but doesn't do any additional research or preparation or anything like that. It makes it difficult when I have what he sees as a revolutionary idea about how we should proceed next and he does tend to think I'm being extreme at times. It doesn't help that it's we women who spend time together (either in RL or online forums such as this) discussing our children's issues and are therefore more informed about the obstacles ahead in their futures - our chaps just aren't aware of these things and that lack of awarenss/interest seems to be self-perpetuating.

Dh is lousy at remembering strategies as well, so all the discipline and managing of J falls to me as well.

God love them. We can't expect them to put up shelves AND see into the future as well, you know!

Original poster

anniebear · 07/03/2007 12:08

when I was upset recently saying Ellie will never have a boyfriend, no children of her own etc etc

DH got all cross with me for daring to think like that! Then my Dad was the same!!!!

I just think I am realistic!

OP posts:

magsi · 07/03/2007 12:37

I think us gals are just more emotional and complicated in general. We have to know the ins and outs of things to the last full stop. Its all about being mentally prepared to handle any situation that rises. Maybe our chaps just don't have the same desperate longing to find out everything there is to know about our childs sn like us mums do. I purchased a story book the other day about a child who had the same sn as my ds1 and her experiences and obsticles she faced at school (mainly to read to my ds1 when he is older). I got it home and immediately read it from cover to cover (cryed aswell). I thrust it into my dh's hands when he got home from work and proceeded to pester him all night to read the book. He still hasn't two weeks later. He doesn't come and see the paed appointments with us anymore either, expecially when you need another extra pair of ears!!. I am sure this is just all the difference between being a mum and a dad (or maybe I am just making excuses for him Its just so frustrating isnt it that they don't feel this urgency like we do.

Original poster

anniebear · 07/03/2007 12:44

sounds right!!!

You know when dh comes off the phone or you are waiting to hear about it and you say "go on, tell me"

He has been on the phone for 30mins and tells it you in about 10 seconds!!

yes but what she she say? he say?, were did she go? what did he look like? what was she wearing?

OP posts:

tobysmumkent · 07/03/2007 13:05

Message withdrawn

sphil · 07/03/2007 13:11

Saker - are you sure we don't share a DH? I could have written your post! Dh is really clued up about PECS because we went on the course together but much less so about ABA/Growing Minds.

His eyes have been known to glaze over when I'm expounding my latest theory or describing something I've read...

Saker · 07/03/2007 13:22

Sphil, I wondered where Dh was for half the week . It's useful to know how they work because then if you want them to be more involved you can get them there. When Ds2 changes school, I shall make sure Dh is there at the beginning again so that he keeps up his school involvement because it's been good for him and me. (and Ds2).

mum24boyz · 07/03/2007 13:25

yep def same here, i have spent hrs online looking up about my boys condition, and hubby just says oh yeah that sounds right lol, he comes to appts with me a lot of the time as he doesnt work too, but i still have to explain what they are talking about afterwards as he isnt anywhere nr as clued up as me, but i know for a fact that it doesnt mean he cares any less, he is just lazy and happy to leave all that side of things to me, oh and if we have appts he has to ask what for and who for lol, he never ever remembers, even though its usually written on the calender lol.

coppertop · 07/03/2007 22:10

Back when we were going through the is he/isn't he stage with ds1 I deliberately chose to have some of the appointments without dh being there. This was because he was still very much in denial back then and was convinced that ds1 was going to start talking at any moment. It wasn't very helpful to sit there and list ds1's difficulties while dh was denying that there was a problem. Fortunately he was more realistic by the time ds1's Paed appointment came around and has been much more of a help. Now that we have more than one child it's generally easier if, when dh can get time off work, he stays at home with the other child/children while I go to the appointment with either ds1 or ds2.

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