at witts end.

[mylittlephoney]

Ok. So my ds is almost 7. He is on the waiting list for a diagnosis. He started showing signs for autism about 18 months/2 years old and every day since has been a struggle. He is violent. Unpredictive. Refuses to do what anyone asks him to do ect . In all this he has had a best friend let's call her Julia. He has known her since pre-school and for the best part they get on well. As he's getting older his rages have started to get more violent and he is already on half days in his main classroom. He has a major melt down on Monday and attacked a teacher and a student.
So tonight while at work when I can't reply I get a txt from Julia's mum. She is someone I would call a friend (coffee and a chat but not besties) saying that she is frightened of ds and his obsessive behaviour has made her come to the conclusion that it would be for the best of they cut their friendship off.
Now the grown up me understands that of course she is right to do what is best for her daughter. But the mum in me is absolutely gutted that his Only best friend is now going to be cut off. I don't know how he is going to react tomorrow when she is kept away from him. My heart could break at the injustice of it all. My Ds is my life. The only child I could have. He is my little gift. And now I have to tell him to stay away from his best/only friend in this very confusing world. .
Life with him is hard enough but now I'm feeling so alone.

That sounds really tough! I'd also be devastated by this. On the other hand this mum has communicated with you - many people would cut things off and not say anything. She's probably not feeling great about this either. What it does do is give your DS a chance. My DS made some social mistakes last year and his classmates showed their displeasure. He was really upset about it. So was I! But we talked it through and for certain key people he's motivated for he's now realised he has to attend to their needs more/not have his own way all the time/let them talk etc. It's far from perfect but do you think if you explained that his temper might mean he can't see his best friend anymore, would he be able to learn from it? I'd love to wrap my son up in cotton wool but it's actually the painful times when he learns new things - the self motivation is there. Please ignore all that if irrelevant- I know temper isn't so easy to control - although there are some good kids anger books out there which might help. Otherwise could you negotiate with the other mum and offer to support your DS so he doesn't get to the point of being angry?

Sorry I'm rushing off to work now so apologies if that's all garbled! 2 other things - google "illegal exclusion" - does that apply to your DS? Also consider whether you have enough evidence to start an EHCP (or ask the school to apply for top up funding in the meantime) to get your son a 1-2-1 aide in class?
Lashing out is a sign of "un met needs". A friends son had the same bother and it can be helped by giving the child a helper... good luck .... back later

Thank u for replying. I have had a chat with her mum. And the senco at school and I feel like it's being delt with at least on her side of the problem. He had a huge meltdown before school when we quietly said that maybe he would like to play with other children as Julia may want to play with others. She is his one constant friend and is very protective over her. It remains to be seen if today goes well. Fingers crossed. Still makes me feel shit though.

that sounds really tough

If you read these boards regularly you've probably seen The Explosive Child book recommended - if not I really recommend giving it a read.

My DS (8) of very explosive - he's ASD with a PDA profile.

PDA strategies could be very helpful for you (and school) - my DS can become quite obsessional about other children - in a positive / possessive way, or a negative, wants to attack them way.
However, it's all anxiety based and by decreasing his anxiety he's much less likely to get like that.

I know you are awaiting diagnosis but the school can still be accessing support for your DS, plus I would want them to be doing post-incident reports to try and identify triggers.
Have they done a sensory assessment - a lot of my DS's meltdowns were sensory related, and then with the added demand of school on top it was all just too much for him.

With adult supervision and structure DS can absolutely have successful friendships, but he needs more support and guidance than the average child to navigate through. It feels like school could and should be doing more to support your DS.

If he is on half days in the main classroom where is he the rest of the time?