Feeling isolated due to ds's Aspergers. What, if anything, can I do?

[Aloha]

Am finding the whole school thing a bit hard atm. His teacher and the learning support staff have been great recently - really taken stuff on board and are helping him and recognising his many talents as well as his difficulties etc and he is doing well.
However, I feel really out of the loop because of his Aspergers and I feel really raw and hurt because of it.
For example, he went to a party on Sunday. That was great, he enjoyed it a lot because there was an magician, which he loves, so it was very structured. I was delighted he was invited, though I suspect a lot of it is because he has a September birthday and I had a party at my house right at the beginning of reception to which I invited all the children in his class at the time, so ensuring reciprocal invitations. However, there is a very active going back for tea/to play circuit in his class from which ds is emphatically not included. As all the other parents arrived to pick up from the party there was a big flurry of 'Oh, we must get Sam and Joe together this week!' 'Yes, great, Friday?' etc and I just stood there blinking away tears! Ds never gets invited and when I pluck up courage to ask someone (three times so far) and said, 'I know ds would love it if X could come and play one day, maybe next weeek?' I have got, 'Oh, yes, lovely. It would be nice to arrange something sometime', but nothing else is ever said or arranged. I don't want to force some poor unwilling kid or even an unwilling parent to pitch up at our house, so I don't know what to do. I feel under HUGE pressure because the paed who diagnosed ds said to me something like, 'It will be your job to create a social life for your ds'.
SO please, parents of other children who are dyspraxic, aspergers etc in mainstream, how do you cope? Does it get better as they get older, or - heaven help me - worse? Or do I just need a rhino hide?

oh aloha

I didn't mean that as a criticism of you.

I think you need to bite the bullet and say 'Hello, Ds would love to have X round to play. Wednesdays are good for us - how are they for you?' and that way you've mentioned a day and put the ball in their court.

don't cry sweetheart

oh, don't cry. I know lots of mums at my children's school who hate playdates with a passion & do anything to avoid them. I'm not mad keen myself.
So please don't feel that its only your DS who isn't round at Joe & Jimmy's house every other day of the week.

Re girls, there are a couple of girls - one is part of a big girly network, very popular - the other is the naughtiest girl in the blooming class, the one with 'challenging behaviour' that his teacher is worried about his copying the whole time!

Aloha my ds doesn't have aspergers but I well remember the reception play dates and the fact that my ds seemed to be a late starter (he started school knowing only one other child in his class). Just remember that:

-some of the children may have known each other for years and the mums are friends too so playdates are often more of an opportunity for them to drink tea together

• some of what looks like playdating is in fact reciprocal child care
• people do have really busy lives, especially if they have more than one school age child - there is no way I could make a date at the school gate - I have to be next to the calendar on the wall at home! Perhaps a better strategy is to get a phone number and pin them down in the evening.

I think also that you could speak to the teacher/ ISA and say you want to encourage friendships, it's incredibly important and could they help you - if your ds plays with everyone maybe they know a child who has similar interests that you could start to cultivate.

If you want to start getting people round I think you probably just have bite the bullet and ask for a specific date and time - at least once and just see what happens. Tbh at that age, half the fun for a lot of children is the chance to give the other one's toys a good going through so I don't think you will have to do too much arm twisting .

But I think you should also bear in mind that your Ds might just not be ready for this yet and if he isn't too worried I might be inclined to leave it.

Sorry that probably sounds harsh now, I posted it before I saw you say how upset you were feeling - didn't mean to make it worse.

oh darling. It is hard, the whole playdate business, even when you don't factor in AS. Please don't cry. I really really think that this is a solvable thing. I think you are getting het up and worried about it because you feel it's all about ds's social skills which are part of the reason for his diagnosis so you feel like he's doomed to fail in the friendship stakes. But social skills are not the only thing in friendship, bizarre as that may sound. I'm not saying he won't need a bit of extra help when a kid comes over. But you, i have heard, are great with kids. That will give ds kudos. Ds will have loads of toys, as bink says. That will give him kudos. The fact that he is bright will give him kudos at this age too. And he sounds like a very sweet, good natured little boy. Other kids will like that even if his interests are different from theirs. And people don't spend as much time thinking about other people and their kids as you think sometimes. If you or dh ask them in a specific way it will happen and it will be fine. i really think so.

I really feel for you over this one. If it's any consolation I feel like this wrt ds1 who is NT but a bit square-peggish in a round hole. When asked he will say that he has people with whom he plays at break time but no friends per se (but x is friends with y and a is friends with b etc). We're so out of the playdate loop because we came into the school in P2 and pick-up time is a huge melee of all parents from P1-3 so I don't know who the parents are of the children in his class... It's a tough one. Much sympathy.

the other option is to phone the other parents rather than catching them in the playground (have you got a class list?) and that way you avoid feeling miserable if you feel they are palming you off (which I'm sure they aren't)

I find just about anything to do with ds makes me feel as if I've been peeled.

Hi Aloha, my ds is in year 2 and has AS and ADD.

I really understand what you are going on about here and I have got very upset about this in the past (and still do I'm afraid). I think the main thing to remember is that all this is happening because your ds has got special needs so try not to take things at all personally.

My ds has got one friend in the class and luckily they are very close and go to each others houses. However he does not get any other invites and TBH I would be quite nervous of him going to other kids houses because of his strange behaviour. It would be easy for him to get into an argument and then he would have even more problems thatn he already has at school. However there are a couple of mums who understand ds's problems and I have arranged with them to have ds round. They have kept an eye on him and then I come round for a glass of wine/coffee later. I have found it helpful to be totally upfront and honest about ds's problems with people. Obviously quite a lot of people don't want anything to do with ds/can't be bothered to get involved. However a few have been very nice and that has made up for the others. I have actually asked these nice mums - can you have ds round for a play? Its a bit artificial but at least it keeps ds being semi involved in class life. You don't say whether ds has any siblings? I have also found it helpful for ds to go round to my dd's friends houses perhaps at the pick up stage? He loves that and dd's friends are usually very kind to him.

Aloha-If its any consolation, I think it can get better as they get a bit older. As you know, my DS5 is 8 and has AS; in reception and year 1, he had no friends (and would tell you so, vehemently, when asked!) It became a bit better in year 2, and now in year 3 he does have a couple of friends. He even went on a sleepover with one a few weeks ago! I have to say, though, that they are two boys who are very similar to him-I would go so far as saying they are AS but undiagnosed!
Are there any children in your DSs year who seem similar to him?

He has a little sister of two, and they simply adore each other. I am so, so glad he has her, tbh. She thinks he is fab.

But she's not much cop at introducing him to her mates, because she hasn't got any!

oh aloha - I think we all experience that social pain through our kids don't we.

Do the other mums know that he has AS?

Well, she is right to think he's fab, I'm sure.

I think the peeled feeling is the crux of the problem. It sounds like a horrible feeling.

Does dh feel the same way? I think handing over playdate arranging duties to him is a good idea and hopefully a fab playdate or two will follow and you'll be at the start of feeling a bit better.

Oh God, telling other parents, it's a hideous dilemma. On one hand, it might explain him a bit, on the other they might think 'ooh, autistic weirdo, don't want my kid having anything to do with him' (not in those terms probably but subconsciously people are prejudiced/scared). I don't want to make him the subject of gossip with other parents either. I have mentioned his dyspraxia to a couple of people, and told one that he had Aspergers to explain why I was only one of two parents staying at a party, though felt v uncomfortable about saying it.
I do feel peeled. Sometimes I just stand there feeling as if I have no skin on at all.

Well, I for one know of two boys who are really looking forward to meeting your boy.

I'm sorry it makes you feel so bad - wish I could stand with you in the playground and make you feel better.

Do they do social drinks or coffee mornings in your class? Perhaps you could suggest one to your class rep and then go along and get to know the other parents (without the children being involved).

Aloha, understand your protectiveness about ds. However most people will have noticed he is different anyway. If you say he has AS then at least people understand that he has a learning disability and needs care and understanding. Horrible people will not want anything to do with ds anyway.

TBH I'm not saying that the parents who ignore me and ds are horrible, its just that they can't be bothered/too many problems of their own to cope with. However I like to think that if their kids says "oh ds is weird" they might say "yes he has a few problems, you need to try and be nice to him". This especially works with a few maternal type girls!!!

I can't BEAR the thought that people are gossiping about him though! And the thought that as he gets older their kids could taunt him about it.....aaaagh!

yes, I agree with caroline and you'll probably find, if there are any ignorant/prejudiced parents, that you wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them anyway.

Hon they really, really might not be. caroline3's ds's experience won't necessarily mirror you own son's.

I think it's worth telling people. It's hard at first but you only need to tell a couple of people then the word will go round. I know that is partly what you are dreading but it is easier than having to tell everyone yourself and mostly people try to be understanding and it does help to explain differences. Also remember your Ds is unlikely to be the only one with difficulties. You don't know what other problems other children have got and maybe their parents are standing there also wishing they could help them make friends. For example, there is a little girl in Ds1's class who is very shy and has epilepsy and so is very scared to be invited to anyone else's house. It might be good for a child like that to be invited to an understanding house where her mum could come along too.